Tuesday, December 15, 2009
More on the Christmas truth
Sorry to all of our friends that I've now offended, but I had been trying to write that song myself. In the spirit of the song, I'd like to publish our family letter now:
Dear Friends,
This year has just been so much fun and action packed. We're sorry that we haven't been able to see you as much as we would like, but we've been really busy being a happier and more productive family than yours. Of couse, we'll fill you in on the all of the details.
Will, our hardworking breadwinner, not only impressed his boss and earned a major promotion and raise, he also discovered a cure for 3 types of cancer. And while that was a source of personal pride, he feels like his real accomplishment was rescuing 64 orphans from an orphanage in Mongolia. You see, he was able to teach the local Mongol famers how to produce a larger crop, so now those farmers can raise enough crops to feed their entire families and keep their children. But you'd hardly know it (unless you visit his Facebook, MySpace, Blogspot, or Twitter feeds...).
Melissa, our domestic diva, has been a busy housewife and mother. First, she was able to expand and include a small field of wheat, so we now can GROW and GRIND our own wheat. Next year she hopes to add a crop of quinoa. After that, she took some time to complete her PhD in astrophysics--it's been a hobby that she just wanted to put to bed for once and for all. Thanks to some self study, she made some discoveries and made some real progress on our geneaology. We're now tracked back 31 generations; not where she wants it to be, but she's confident that she'll get farther after she makes her visits to Ireland, Romania, and Iran to visit geneaology and antiquities libraries.
Ethan turned 8 and was baptized. He is really enjoying school. He has taken a likening to mathematics and after a little effort, was able to provide the proof for the Poincare Conjecture (it earned him a nomination for the Nobel Prize for Mathematics). Instead of a birthday party, he asked if we could donate a bunch of toys to a local shelter.
Madeliene really out did herself this year. Not only was she accepted to the National Ballet Academy, but she earned early admission to BYU, Yale, and Stanford. How she ever found time to volunteer to clean wild fowl who have been harmed by oil spills is beyond us!
Ashley turned 3 and really blossomed. After she finished reading Charlotte's Web all by herself, she informed the family that we are no longer eating pork--what a cutie! After her piano recital at Symphony Hall in Phoenix (where she played a Mozart and an Ashley-composed concerto), she led the family down the local blood bank for a family donation. She gave a whole pint!
Jacob may be the last in the family, but he is not the least. This year he learned to walk, play the Wii and become a Guitar Hero star. He enjoyed the music playing so much, we bought him a tiny violin and set him loose. While he can read music, he prefers to play by ear or compose his own songs...
We hope that all is well with you. You know that it will be well for us!
Dear Friends,
This year has just been so much fun and action packed. We're sorry that we haven't been able to see you as much as we would like, but we've been really busy being a happier and more productive family than yours. Of couse, we'll fill you in on the all of the details.
Will, our hardworking breadwinner, not only impressed his boss and earned a major promotion and raise, he also discovered a cure for 3 types of cancer. And while that was a source of personal pride, he feels like his real accomplishment was rescuing 64 orphans from an orphanage in Mongolia. You see, he was able to teach the local Mongol famers how to produce a larger crop, so now those farmers can raise enough crops to feed their entire families and keep their children. But you'd hardly know it (unless you visit his Facebook, MySpace, Blogspot, or Twitter feeds...).
Melissa, our domestic diva, has been a busy housewife and mother. First, she was able to expand and include a small field of wheat, so we now can GROW and GRIND our own wheat. Next year she hopes to add a crop of quinoa. After that, she took some time to complete her PhD in astrophysics--it's been a hobby that she just wanted to put to bed for once and for all. Thanks to some self study, she made some discoveries and made some real progress on our geneaology. We're now tracked back 31 generations; not where she wants it to be, but she's confident that she'll get farther after she makes her visits to Ireland, Romania, and Iran to visit geneaology and antiquities libraries.
Ethan turned 8 and was baptized. He is really enjoying school. He has taken a likening to mathematics and after a little effort, was able to provide the proof for the Poincare Conjecture (it earned him a nomination for the Nobel Prize for Mathematics). Instead of a birthday party, he asked if we could donate a bunch of toys to a local shelter.
Madeliene really out did herself this year. Not only was she accepted to the National Ballet Academy, but she earned early admission to BYU, Yale, and Stanford. How she ever found time to volunteer to clean wild fowl who have been harmed by oil spills is beyond us!
Ashley turned 3 and really blossomed. After she finished reading Charlotte's Web all by herself, she informed the family that we are no longer eating pork--what a cutie! After her piano recital at Symphony Hall in Phoenix (where she played a Mozart and an Ashley-composed concerto), she led the family down the local blood bank for a family donation. She gave a whole pint!
Jacob may be the last in the family, but he is not the least. This year he learned to walk, play the Wii and become a Guitar Hero star. He enjoyed the music playing so much, we bought him a tiny violin and set him loose. While he can read music, he prefers to play by ear or compose his own songs...
We hope that all is well with you. You know that it will be well for us!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Truth #5 about dating and marriage for YM
There are about 184 reasons not to get married...
there are also about 34 reasons why you should get married (you're waiting to hear them, aren't you; well, I will reveal all 218 in another post). Today we will discuss one of the more useful reasons for getting married, although you may not be able to appreciate it until you're much older. Basically young man, this post is coming from your older, future self, visiting from 40 or 50 years down the road. I'm going to channel the best advice from your older self (I'll force him to stay on topic, not use "mission" stories to illustrate his point, etc.).
Your future self wants you to know that you need to get married to help you shut up (at least sometimes). The unfortunate highly likely truth is that because you have are a male, you have an innate ability and strong desire to say stupid, offensive things. You feel compelled to make asinine comments about others; you want to blurt out objectionable and innappropriate comments (usually involving sex, sex organs, sexual innuendo, the other guy's mother, etc); you can't seem to stop yourself from egging on some one you are fighting with--if it was up to you, you'd keep arguing with that other guy even though it might very well result in you having a bunch of kidney bruises and a broken jaw. Heck, when you're really mad, you want to keep making inciting, infuriating comments even though you know that you may end up in the local prison lock-up next to a mexican drug lord that muled some kilos of crack across the border in some poor illegal immigrant's colon. Somewhere, deep within the folds of your brain there is some spot that generates this idiotic behavior and for some reason, it all seems like reasonable behavior (due to whoreosterone, perhaps?).
Sure, through some training (primary and young mens program), self mastery, and some healthy fear of pain and humiliation, you've learned how to control yourself to a generally respectable degree. But like drug addict, you're always just one bad line away from getting into trouble. When you're a youth or early teenager, this problem isn't much of a problem. You generally spend your time with other stumbling, bumbling kids who aren't much of a problem/threat and incidents are usually quickly forgetten.
But now you're starting to enter into real adulthood. Some very important things are starting to happen and these things have much longer term consequences. You're trying to find a mate. You're trying to start a career. You're trying to create circle of friends and acquaintances who will form the community in which your children will be raised.
You need to realize that getting into a fight now involves terms like "battery" and "assault", and means possible jail time (not suspension from junior high school). You need to realize that teasing your friend's sister with she is a "fat cow" when you're 11 is much different than making the same remark to Sister Warner. It's one thing to make a comment like, "man, you're girfriend is hot"; it's totally different when you say "man, you're wife has nice legs". You need to appreciate that you'll be living among adults who can choose to alienate you...
there are also about 34 reasons why you should get married (you're waiting to hear them, aren't you; well, I will reveal all 218 in another post). Today we will discuss one of the more useful reasons for getting married, although you may not be able to appreciate it until you're much older. Basically young man, this post is coming from your older, future self, visiting from 40 or 50 years down the road. I'm going to channel the best advice from your older self (I'll force him to stay on topic, not use "mission" stories to illustrate his point, etc.).
Your future self wants you to know that you need to get married to help you shut up (at least sometimes). The unfortunate highly likely truth is that because you have are a male, you have an innate ability and strong desire to say stupid, offensive things. You feel compelled to make asinine comments about others; you want to blurt out objectionable and innappropriate comments (usually involving sex, sex organs, sexual innuendo, the other guy's mother, etc); you can't seem to stop yourself from egging on some one you are fighting with--if it was up to you, you'd keep arguing with that other guy even though it might very well result in you having a bunch of kidney bruises and a broken jaw. Heck, when you're really mad, you want to keep making inciting, infuriating comments even though you know that you may end up in the local prison lock-up next to a mexican drug lord that muled some kilos of crack across the border in some poor illegal immigrant's colon. Somewhere, deep within the folds of your brain there is some spot that generates this idiotic behavior and for some reason, it all seems like reasonable behavior (due to whoreosterone, perhaps?).
Sure, through some training (primary and young mens program), self mastery, and some healthy fear of pain and humiliation, you've learned how to control yourself to a generally respectable degree. But like drug addict, you're always just one bad line away from getting into trouble. When you're a youth or early teenager, this problem isn't much of a problem. You generally spend your time with other stumbling, bumbling kids who aren't much of a problem/threat and incidents are usually quickly forgetten.
But now you're starting to enter into real adulthood. Some very important things are starting to happen and these things have much longer term consequences. You're trying to find a mate. You're trying to start a career. You're trying to create circle of friends and acquaintances who will form the community in which your children will be raised.
You need to realize that getting into a fight now involves terms like "battery" and "assault", and means possible jail time (not suspension from junior high school). You need to realize that teasing your friend's sister with she is a "fat cow" when you're 11 is much different than making the same remark to Sister Warner. It's one thing to make a comment like, "man, you're girfriend is hot"; it's totally different when you say "man, you're wife has nice legs". You need to appreciate that you'll be living among adults who can choose to alienate you...
This is especially true in your dating relationships and marriage. As you grow comfortable with you're partner, it's easy to relax and let the full force of your natural personality come out. But that's when you need to exercise even more restraint, otherwise life will be not so happy. Let's look at a few helpful examples:
1) You're watching the 2nd game of a double header of college football. You're wife asks you if it would be all right for her to leave the kids with you and go to a Pampered Chef party. After she finally gets your attention, your first thought is to say something like, "Hey that sounds like a good idea; an equally brilliant idea would be for me to insert an ice pick in my eye and spend $70 buying decoupage for the garage. Either way, I'll be more poor and still hungry..." While you are congratulating yourself on remembering the word "decoupage" (although you still don't know what it is), you're wife is quietly making a mental note to "have a headache" for the next 2 months.
2) Your girlfriend takes you to a clothing store. She wants to find some new pants. In an obvious attempt to get a compliment and be a little flirty, she asks you how her butt looks in a particular pair of jeans. Unfortunately, she picked the wrong pair for this analysis. Your natural inclination may be to say something like "You know, I appreciate the fact that you're not trying to attract other men now that we are dating. Really, I think that you look more and more like the mother of my future children every day now." Before you can get out "I was just making a joke" your girlfriend is texting your roommate to see if he wants to go out next weekend.
Both of these situations had easy responses--"Yes dear. That's great." True, not very creative and definitely not very witty, but very effective and safe. You have to realize that you are highly likely to ruin a good thing with your mouth. Your wife won't mind you buying the NBA package on DirectTV when you choose to not mock her Pampered Chef party. You won't have to go to "Twilight" or "New Moon" to meet girls and hopefully get a girlfriend if you can hold back the sarcasm (warning--there are a lot of married moms at those types of movies, so be careful who you choose to sit next to...).
But let's get to the fact of the matter. Your wife is pretty forgiving. You're likely to be on good behavior while you're dating. But you're highly likely to say something stupid to another grown up. That's why you need to get married. You need to have a help meet you can elbow you just before you tell Julie Healy "Well, if my wife doesn't keep me happy, if you know what I mean, then I'm gonna find me a little sugar somewhere else" because, even though you don't know it, Julie's husband just told her 2 months ago that he had an affair. You need to have someone to help you filter your anger and frustration. Before you march on over to So-and-So's house and tell them off, you can have her listen to your "brilliant" insult and then direct you to the couch and TV remote. A good wife knows when you to coax you out of a conversation and room (using her feminie wiles, if necessary) to prevent you from making some incredibly stupid remark. Having your wife present at the church softball game will make you much less likely to tell the opposing ward's bishop that "your momma's like a vacuum cleaner..." after he tags you late but insists you're out.
Heck, she may even be able to convince you not to post your stupid ramblings in a blog...
Friday, October 2, 2009
Truth #5 for YW about dating & marriage
…or are you just happy to see me?
Hopefully dears, your mothers have already had the "Birds and the Bees" talk with you; if not, then you need to find a friend or relative that has “known man” to give you the 411. This infamous discussion—how it might have happened to you, what you should do for your daughters and sons—deserves its very own post. Today, we’ll give you some insight into your love life as a married woman, and more specifically, your lover.
Ahhh intimacy—it’s a delicate matter. Don’t worry, I’m not going to get into anything nasty. Just some basic biology you should know. During this post, I’ll usually reference the subject matter as “intimacy” instead of “sex”. I like the word “sex”; I like the way it sounds; I also like how the word makes my fellow mormons uncomfortable (there are adults who have “known” the opposite gender and spawned many children yet are made uncomfortable by the word “sex”). But I’m here to educate, so we’ll use “intimacy” so we don’t get distracted!
The highly likely truth about your husband-to-be is that he is a whore. No, he’s not a prostitute who works a street corner in a shady part of town. But he has a one-track mind and he’s willing to do just about anything in exchange for “intimacy”. Ok….so maybe he’s a monogamous slut with a firm commitment to family values. Anyways, he’s a machine, a simple computer program no “0”, just lots of “1” (had to slip in at least one Freudian euphemism!). But fear not, he isn’t depraved or kinky, he hasn’t been molested as child, etc. He just has a very strong, natural intimacy drive—and it’s the result of biology. It’s even part of the Plan of Salvation!
You see, the man you will marry has an X and a Y chromosome (you are hopefully XX). What that means is that he has a whole half of his brain dedicated to being creative (the right half). The male right half of the brain is very good at being imaginative—his brain thinks about ways to woo you, he can envision how you might look in certain underwear, he can dream endlessly about things to “do” with you after said wooing, etc. He is so good at being creative, that he is able to be creative all the time, he never tires of it—when he’s awake, when he’s asleep, when you’re pregnant, even when you’re enjoying the fruits of your monthly cycle. He will be creative even when he’s dead (or you’re dead, too).
This half of the brain is so effective and powerful that it has the will power necessary to get him to overcome many aspects of his rational left brain. It can get him to ignore the rational left brain’s pleadings of “For the love of all things manly, either turn off Grey’s Anatomy or walk out of the room now!!! You're becoming sensitive and maybe gay!!!” Even when his rational brain is screaming, “There is no right answer. Yes, these pants do make her butt look fat and she knows it, but you can’t win because if you say that it doesn’t make her butt look fat, then she’ll know you’re lying to her. But if you say yes, then you’re an insensitive jerk. WHY ARE WE CLOTHES SHOPPING? Isn’t there some athletic event on one of the 26 ESPN channels? HOW DID YOU LET US GET INTO THIS PREDICAMENT? Don’t frown, don’t frown, STOPPP!—you’re giving your thought away!!! Oh crap, we’re going down in flames!!!!....”
While his left brain is panicking, his right brain is exerting a powerful calming influence. It makes him realize that while he hates doing certain things, he needs to do them to keep you happy, and as a very important side benefit, makes him much more likely to get lucky sometime soon. It’s a symbiotic relationship that keeps the universe in harmony. You may be frustrated to learn that his “desire” to go shopping with you or watch a chic flick is a calculated decision. Sorry, it’s highly likely that he doesn’t really like watching High School Musical (you know that stupid grin he gets on his face when he tells you that movie was a lot of fun? That's him being “creative” about Vanessa Hudgens or Ashley Tisdale). You may feel deceived that he didn’t really like going to Hobby Lobby with you. Don’t feel this way. He’s not lying to you, he’s just internally conflicted and I’m letting you in on the secret. Without the two halves of the brain working in this fashion, happy marriages as we know them would not be possible.
Compounding the brain issue, your husband has some body parts (ask your mother) that produce whore-osterone. It produces great quantities of it, all the time. While you have your monthly friend that comes and goes, your husband’s hormone cycle last 25/8, 366. The whore-osterone causes him to operate like an animal (like we told you in a previous chapter, he is a mindless predator—think great white shark like in the movie Jaws). Whore-osterone is the force driving this powerful cycle= Eat, poop, sleep, procreate, eat, poop, sleep procreate, etc… Whore-osterone is also the juice that powers his right brain activity.
Now, not all men have brains and bodies developed exactly the same. Some of more right brain than others, some have less whore-osterone. That means that you can find a man whose personality and intimacy needs fit with yours. You have to think long term. So, part of your courtship should involve investigating your boyfriend’s intimacy proclivities. I’m not saying you need to have “intimacy” prior to marriage or that you should ask him directly (see the paragraph above about left brain-right brain negotiations). As a Molly and Normon, who are highly likely to not have real physical intimacy prior to marriage, you’ll have to do some guess work. But you should get a sense of what he is like. Because remember, like a shark (a mindless predator that hasn’t evolved mentally in millions of years) you’re husband is not highly likely to change after you get married. He may never change.
So what are you driving at, you ask? You see, you’re highly likely to think like this about intimacy during your courtship and early marriage: “Wow, this guy is great and he thinks that I am great. He wants to grab me and kiss me every time we’re together and this is exciting so I’ll happily kiss him all the time….Wow, we’re married and we can be “intimate” now and he is sooo looking forward to this and I want him to be happy, so I’ll be intimate with him lots…Ok, being intimate is so overrated, I really thought that he’d get over it, it’s been 13 months…Thank heavens I’m nursing and can use that excuse to get him off of me….Maybe if I get really fat he’ll finally leave me alone, I mean we’re forty and he’s still after me like we just got to the hotel after the ceremony…”
See? He’s never going to change. So you should find a partner who has an intimacy level that is compatible. If you want a happy husband, you’ll need to find a good match. Don’t just figure that you can lure him in with the steamy girlfriend bait and then turn into the ice queen after you have a ring on your finger. Besides being cruel, you could cause him to have a psychotic break. Remember, he’s constantly having right brain—left brain negotiations and having that work out to some degree keeps him sane. Making him a “monk” will cause his brain to go haywire. You could crush his soul and drive him into the arms of another woman. He might decide to hunt year round. He might become so effeminate that he develops breast cancer. He might turn gay. Can you really ignore these dangerous side effects by trying to defy a biological reality? It’s highly likely to be bad for your marriage.
Hopefully dears, your mothers have already had the "Birds and the Bees" talk with you; if not, then you need to find a friend or relative that has “known man” to give you the 411. This infamous discussion—how it might have happened to you, what you should do for your daughters and sons—deserves its very own post. Today, we’ll give you some insight into your love life as a married woman, and more specifically, your lover.
Ahhh intimacy—it’s a delicate matter. Don’t worry, I’m not going to get into anything nasty. Just some basic biology you should know. During this post, I’ll usually reference the subject matter as “intimacy” instead of “sex”. I like the word “sex”; I like the way it sounds; I also like how the word makes my fellow mormons uncomfortable (there are adults who have “known” the opposite gender and spawned many children yet are made uncomfortable by the word “sex”). But I’m here to educate, so we’ll use “intimacy” so we don’t get distracted!
The highly likely truth about your husband-to-be is that he is a whore. No, he’s not a prostitute who works a street corner in a shady part of town. But he has a one-track mind and he’s willing to do just about anything in exchange for “intimacy”. Ok….so maybe he’s a monogamous slut with a firm commitment to family values. Anyways, he’s a machine, a simple computer program no “0”, just lots of “1” (had to slip in at least one Freudian euphemism!). But fear not, he isn’t depraved or kinky, he hasn’t been molested as child, etc. He just has a very strong, natural intimacy drive—and it’s the result of biology. It’s even part of the Plan of Salvation!
You see, the man you will marry has an X and a Y chromosome (you are hopefully XX). What that means is that he has a whole half of his brain dedicated to being creative (the right half). The male right half of the brain is very good at being imaginative—his brain thinks about ways to woo you, he can envision how you might look in certain underwear, he can dream endlessly about things to “do” with you after said wooing, etc. He is so good at being creative, that he is able to be creative all the time, he never tires of it—when he’s awake, when he’s asleep, when you’re pregnant, even when you’re enjoying the fruits of your monthly cycle. He will be creative even when he’s dead (or you’re dead, too).
This half of the brain is so effective and powerful that it has the will power necessary to get him to overcome many aspects of his rational left brain. It can get him to ignore the rational left brain’s pleadings of “For the love of all things manly, either turn off Grey’s Anatomy or walk out of the room now!!! You're becoming sensitive and maybe gay!!!” Even when his rational brain is screaming, “There is no right answer. Yes, these pants do make her butt look fat and she knows it, but you can’t win because if you say that it doesn’t make her butt look fat, then she’ll know you’re lying to her. But if you say yes, then you’re an insensitive jerk. WHY ARE WE CLOTHES SHOPPING? Isn’t there some athletic event on one of the 26 ESPN channels? HOW DID YOU LET US GET INTO THIS PREDICAMENT? Don’t frown, don’t frown, STOPPP!—you’re giving your thought away!!! Oh crap, we’re going down in flames!!!!....”
While his left brain is panicking, his right brain is exerting a powerful calming influence. It makes him realize that while he hates doing certain things, he needs to do them to keep you happy, and as a very important side benefit, makes him much more likely to get lucky sometime soon. It’s a symbiotic relationship that keeps the universe in harmony. You may be frustrated to learn that his “desire” to go shopping with you or watch a chic flick is a calculated decision. Sorry, it’s highly likely that he doesn’t really like watching High School Musical (you know that stupid grin he gets on his face when he tells you that movie was a lot of fun? That's him being “creative” about Vanessa Hudgens or Ashley Tisdale). You may feel deceived that he didn’t really like going to Hobby Lobby with you. Don’t feel this way. He’s not lying to you, he’s just internally conflicted and I’m letting you in on the secret. Without the two halves of the brain working in this fashion, happy marriages as we know them would not be possible.
Compounding the brain issue, your husband has some body parts (ask your mother) that produce whore-osterone. It produces great quantities of it, all the time. While you have your monthly friend that comes and goes, your husband’s hormone cycle last 25/8, 366. The whore-osterone causes him to operate like an animal (like we told you in a previous chapter, he is a mindless predator—think great white shark like in the movie Jaws). Whore-osterone is the force driving this powerful cycle= Eat, poop, sleep, procreate, eat, poop, sleep procreate, etc… Whore-osterone is also the juice that powers his right brain activity.
Now, not all men have brains and bodies developed exactly the same. Some of more right brain than others, some have less whore-osterone. That means that you can find a man whose personality and intimacy needs fit with yours. You have to think long term. So, part of your courtship should involve investigating your boyfriend’s intimacy proclivities. I’m not saying you need to have “intimacy” prior to marriage or that you should ask him directly (see the paragraph above about left brain-right brain negotiations). As a Molly and Normon, who are highly likely to not have real physical intimacy prior to marriage, you’ll have to do some guess work. But you should get a sense of what he is like. Because remember, like a shark (a mindless predator that hasn’t evolved mentally in millions of years) you’re husband is not highly likely to change after you get married. He may never change.
So what are you driving at, you ask? You see, you’re highly likely to think like this about intimacy during your courtship and early marriage: “Wow, this guy is great and he thinks that I am great. He wants to grab me and kiss me every time we’re together and this is exciting so I’ll happily kiss him all the time….Wow, we’re married and we can be “intimate” now and he is sooo looking forward to this and I want him to be happy, so I’ll be intimate with him lots…Ok, being intimate is so overrated, I really thought that he’d get over it, it’s been 13 months…Thank heavens I’m nursing and can use that excuse to get him off of me….Maybe if I get really fat he’ll finally leave me alone, I mean we’re forty and he’s still after me like we just got to the hotel after the ceremony…”
See? He’s never going to change. So you should find a partner who has an intimacy level that is compatible. If you want a happy husband, you’ll need to find a good match. Don’t just figure that you can lure him in with the steamy girlfriend bait and then turn into the ice queen after you have a ring on your finger. Besides being cruel, you could cause him to have a psychotic break. Remember, he’s constantly having right brain—left brain negotiations and having that work out to some degree keeps him sane. Making him a “monk” will cause his brain to go haywire. You could crush his soul and drive him into the arms of another woman. He might decide to hunt year round. He might become so effeminate that he develops breast cancer. He might turn gay. Can you really ignore these dangerous side effects by trying to defy a biological reality? It’s highly likely to be bad for your marriage.
Friday, September 18, 2009
New Rant--I'm guessing this will provoke some conversation
I have a little gripe to get off my chest. It has to do with the sacrament prayer. No, I don't mean the prayer itself, but the way that we manage the blessing of the sacrament. Perhaps we could discuss bread choice another day...
I hate it when the priest makes a slight mistake with the sacrament prayer and we make them repeat it over and over until they say it exactly verbatim with no slips, stutters, or juxtapositions. It seams like so often the poor boy has simply added a "the" or missed a "that". Hardly a major mistake, hardly an intentional effort to wander from the dictated prayer. It's just an accident. Most priests kneel down in fear of messing up, worrying that they might let down the ward, their family, and themselves. Ever notice how some seem to start to shake and quiver, praying within themselves, "Dear God, give me the power to read and the power to speak so that I may not repeat." (isn't that neat how it has rhythm and rhyme--maybe it will get printed in the Ensign!...)
Look, the essence of the prayer has not been violated. I'm gonna bet my savings account that when the prayer isn't uttered perfectly and isn't corrected that Peter, James, and John are not groaning in heaven, saying "Damn, a whole congregation doesn't get credit this week..."
I imagine that many of you reading this have witnessed (or at least heard about) some sacrament meeting where they crucified the young man by having him repeat the prayer 5 or 6 times. The poor kid is usually frustrated and many times devastated. At some point, we all just want to either strangle the kid or have him get relieved like a pitcher in a baseball game. You know the congregation is thinking "Come on Bishop, bring in the relief pitcher--let's close this game" or they might be thinking "We need to put him down like a lame horse...who has a gun and some bullets?"
Here's my thing, I think that as long as the priest corrects himself in sentence, I think that we should just let it go. As long as he isn't missing any important words, good to go. As long as he isn't inserting stuff (beyond "a", "and", etc), pass it out. Now, missing a whole phrase--do not pass go, do not collect $200.
I hate it when the priest makes a slight mistake with the sacrament prayer and we make them repeat it over and over until they say it exactly verbatim with no slips, stutters, or juxtapositions. It seams like so often the poor boy has simply added a "the" or missed a "that". Hardly a major mistake, hardly an intentional effort to wander from the dictated prayer. It's just an accident. Most priests kneel down in fear of messing up, worrying that they might let down the ward, their family, and themselves. Ever notice how some seem to start to shake and quiver, praying within themselves, "Dear God, give me the power to read and the power to speak so that I may not repeat." (isn't that neat how it has rhythm and rhyme--maybe it will get printed in the Ensign!...)
Look, the essence of the prayer has not been violated. I'm gonna bet my savings account that when the prayer isn't uttered perfectly and isn't corrected that Peter, James, and John are not groaning in heaven, saying "Damn, a whole congregation doesn't get credit this week..."
I imagine that many of you reading this have witnessed (or at least heard about) some sacrament meeting where they crucified the young man by having him repeat the prayer 5 or 6 times. The poor kid is usually frustrated and many times devastated. At some point, we all just want to either strangle the kid or have him get relieved like a pitcher in a baseball game. You know the congregation is thinking "Come on Bishop, bring in the relief pitcher--let's close this game" or they might be thinking "We need to put him down like a lame horse...who has a gun and some bullets?"
Here's my thing, I think that as long as the priest corrects himself in sentence, I think that we should just let it go. As long as he isn't missing any important words, good to go. As long as he isn't inserting stuff (beyond "a", "and", etc), pass it out. Now, missing a whole phrase--do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Now, I know that some will say, but the scriptures have the wording there and we have been told to use the prayer as is. We insist on the baptism prayer being said and getting them under the water entirely, etc. I am not disputing that. I am disputing the need to start over just because somebody makes a mistake. I'd like to point out that in the temple, where ceremony and wording are very important, they don't ever make you start over--just correct yourself in sentence and continue onward (and upward to heaven!).
I've heard and read some suggestions including a "slaughter rule" similar to mercy rules used in youth sports. Once you get to three attempts, the emblems go out no matter what. Maybe a congregation vote? Would we signify by the raising of the right hand?
When it does happen, I think that the person conducting the meeting would do well to offer some brief explanation as to why the prayer might have been repeated. If you have converts or investigators, they might be a little puzzled. Such a gesture I think would be enlightening.
Thoughts? Comments?
Aditional note: I hate it when people use the "I once heard" and the "some general authority said" as the basis of their argument or point. But I found this at a website where the writer said he was there (but take it with a grain of salt). He wrote that Elder Tingey said something to the effect that the leadership needed to loosen up with the prayer monitoring and allow the priest to correct themselves in sentence and call it good. Apparently he also advised the leaderhsip to avoid always repeating the cliche “We’d like to thank the aaronic priesthood for the reverent manner in which they bless and pass the sacrament..."
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Top Tidbits of Mormon Culture
Which is the most Mormon?
Ok I've seen this type of thing on the internet and email forwards before but I think that they are a lot of fun. The question is, of course, what cultural item would you identify as the most mormon? Here's a list of possibles to choose from:
Jello salad--seriously, can you think of an official mormon function that didn't have a Jello Salad? (ok, if you haven't lived in Utah or Idaho at some point in your life, this may not apply). Nothing like green jello with little bits of fruit inside!
Church basketball--lots of other churches sponsor teams from their congregations, but few actually host their own events (perhaps they've had some revelation that we haven't? Maybe this is one of those truths that exist outside of the church that we're are supposed to bring into the chruch). All I know that there is nothing like destroying brotherhood by inviting a bunch of wanna-be jocks to play ball!
"with every fiber of my being"--Let's put it this way, if you met someone anywhere in the world and heard them say, "I know it with every fiber of my being" would you have ANY doubt they were mormon? Nuff said.
White dress shirt--perhaps Utah just didn't have any natural dyes to work with when they settled the west, but can't they move into the 21st century? I know many a mormon male who own nothing but white dress shirts. Some may have 1 light blue shirt. But deep red? Black? Striped? Never! And here's a challenge--can anyone find a picture of a general authority wearing anything but a plain white dress shirt? I am almost willing to bet my boat you can't find one...
CTR rings worn by adults--I get the idea, but seriously do you know of any other adult population that wears kid jewelry? Grow up. Same thing for adults who pick "I am a Child of God" as they favorite song. Nice song and sentiment, but seriously have you not grown and matured just a little bit?
Delivering meals to the sick and afflicted--this is one of those not-specific-to-mormon things that we've been able to twist into something very mormon. I'm quite confident that a family could come down with a stomach virus disease that features lots of vomiting and the ward would still bring them a meal. A family could have a hole in their roof during the monsoon season and instead of helping to patch or cover the roof, the ward would probably bring in meals. Can't we find some other way to help others besides making a casserole???
Funeral potatoes--egad. I think that these things are the worst. And they are just everywhere. It's making me morose and suicidal, so I'm moving on.
J. Golden Kimball--seriously, does anyone know anything about this guy OTHER than the fact that he would throw in a few "damns" and "hells" and didn't mind throwing out an insult or two? This guy is so overrated.
Wedding receptions with basketball hoops in the background--ah yes, there is nothing quite like being able to "shoot your bouquet" instead of tossing it to your bridesmaids. I have never been inside another church or banquet hall that has basketball rims inside... Hell, we even put them up in our churches in countries where the natives don't play basketball!
Euphemisms for swear words (Hack, Fetch, Flip, Shiz, etc.)--I can't say that I don't do this, but this is another one of those things where if you hear a stranger saying "Give me the friggin' remote" you know the guy is mormon. It's just so obvious, shiz!
Food Storage--do you know of anybody else in your neighborhood (non-mormons) who are hoarding wheat, water, and other canned goods in their garage? If nobody else is doing it, it must be very momon...
Saturday’s Warrior--sadly, too many people's doctrinal understanding of the pre-mortal life and the purpose of this life is informed by this play/movie. Even if you have never seen it, one of your primary leaders or young women's leaders watched it and uses it as the framework of their understanding. It's not true folks!!!!!!
Cheerios in Sacrament meeting--next Sunday, you should stop by and visit another church and take a peak at their "chapel" just after they finish services. How many Cheerios do you think that you will find? Zero--just like a Cheerios...
Pyramid Schemes--I think that mormons are so drawn to pyramid schemes for two reasons. First, pyramids are prominent in Egypt and Nephi wrote using "reformed Egyptian" characters so... The second reason is that in order to be successful in pyramid schemes you have to have a list of people you can sell to and all mormons have the ward list--it's a match made in heaven?
I don't know if I can pick just one as the most mormon, but I can name my top three (in no particular order): "with every fiber of my being", Saturday's Warrior, and Euphemisms for swear words. What's yours?
Ok I've seen this type of thing on the internet and email forwards before but I think that they are a lot of fun. The question is, of course, what cultural item would you identify as the most mormon? Here's a list of possibles to choose from:
Jello salad--seriously, can you think of an official mormon function that didn't have a Jello Salad? (ok, if you haven't lived in Utah or Idaho at some point in your life, this may not apply). Nothing like green jello with little bits of fruit inside!
Church basketball--lots of other churches sponsor teams from their congregations, but few actually host their own events (perhaps they've had some revelation that we haven't? Maybe this is one of those truths that exist outside of the church that we're are supposed to bring into the chruch). All I know that there is nothing like destroying brotherhood by inviting a bunch of wanna-be jocks to play ball!
"with every fiber of my being"--Let's put it this way, if you met someone anywhere in the world and heard them say, "I know it with every fiber of my being" would you have ANY doubt they were mormon? Nuff said.
White dress shirt--perhaps Utah just didn't have any natural dyes to work with when they settled the west, but can't they move into the 21st century? I know many a mormon male who own nothing but white dress shirts. Some may have 1 light blue shirt. But deep red? Black? Striped? Never! And here's a challenge--can anyone find a picture of a general authority wearing anything but a plain white dress shirt? I am almost willing to bet my boat you can't find one...
CTR rings worn by adults--I get the idea, but seriously do you know of any other adult population that wears kid jewelry? Grow up. Same thing for adults who pick "I am a Child of God" as they favorite song. Nice song and sentiment, but seriously have you not grown and matured just a little bit?
Delivering meals to the sick and afflicted--this is one of those not-specific-to-mormon things that we've been able to twist into something very mormon. I'm quite confident that a family could come down with a stomach virus disease that features lots of vomiting and the ward would still bring them a meal. A family could have a hole in their roof during the monsoon season and instead of helping to patch or cover the roof, the ward would probably bring in meals. Can't we find some other way to help others besides making a casserole???
Funeral potatoes--egad. I think that these things are the worst. And they are just everywhere. It's making me morose and suicidal, so I'm moving on.
J. Golden Kimball--seriously, does anyone know anything about this guy OTHER than the fact that he would throw in a few "damns" and "hells" and didn't mind throwing out an insult or two? This guy is so overrated.
Wedding receptions with basketball hoops in the background--ah yes, there is nothing quite like being able to "shoot your bouquet" instead of tossing it to your bridesmaids. I have never been inside another church or banquet hall that has basketball rims inside... Hell, we even put them up in our churches in countries where the natives don't play basketball!
Euphemisms for swear words (Hack, Fetch, Flip, Shiz, etc.)--I can't say that I don't do this, but this is another one of those things where if you hear a stranger saying "Give me the friggin' remote" you know the guy is mormon. It's just so obvious, shiz!
Food Storage--do you know of anybody else in your neighborhood (non-mormons) who are hoarding wheat, water, and other canned goods in their garage? If nobody else is doing it, it must be very momon...
Saturday’s Warrior--sadly, too many people's doctrinal understanding of the pre-mortal life and the purpose of this life is informed by this play/movie. Even if you have never seen it, one of your primary leaders or young women's leaders watched it and uses it as the framework of their understanding. It's not true folks!!!!!!
Cheerios in Sacrament meeting--next Sunday, you should stop by and visit another church and take a peak at their "chapel" just after they finish services. How many Cheerios do you think that you will find? Zero--just like a Cheerios...
Pyramid Schemes--I think that mormons are so drawn to pyramid schemes for two reasons. First, pyramids are prominent in Egypt and Nephi wrote using "reformed Egyptian" characters so... The second reason is that in order to be successful in pyramid schemes you have to have a list of people you can sell to and all mormons have the ward list--it's a match made in heaven?
I don't know if I can pick just one as the most mormon, but I can name my top three (in no particular order): "with every fiber of my being", Saturday's Warrior, and Euphemisms for swear words. What's yours?
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Truth #4 for YW on dating & marriage
Some apples don't fall very far from the tree...
Many women like to say that the thing they most look for in a guy is a sense of humor. Many women also lie about their weight... I don't know why, but many women are uncomfortable admitting that they hope to date and marry a man whose best feature is his looks (perhaps they are afraid to find someone better looking than them?--you know that idea actually has legs... Imagine waking up years from now...you look yourself in the mirror and see the bags under your eyes, the dull hair...then you look back at the bed and think to yourself..."at least I don't look as bad as he does...man, is he ugly, fat, and pasty white..." You know, maybe you should marry an ugly guy!).
Anyways, you should try to find a man that you find attractive--this may seem rather obvious, but hear me out. Not only will you have to wake up next to this guy for the next 50 years and possibly for eternity, but marry an attractive man because he will contribute to the look of your children. For many women, having a family and cute little kids to care for is the major part of their life plan. You're going to have to love those little buggers through the good times (when their learning to walk and talk) and the bad times (at the end of your day at Disneyland and they are screaming bloody murder). And one highly likely truth is that it is so much easy to love cute kids. How could you do something as cruel as marry an ugly guy and therefore short-change your children?!?!?
Listen to your ovaries when you're meeting men. Make sure that the spawn inside your womb will be happy getting half of their genetic material from your dating partners. Imagine your fiance as a 6 month old in a onesy (ok, that's not helpful but damn funny). The official highly likely truth of this chapter is that your husband will eventually grow to look like his father (for better or for worse). And so will your children! You need to check out his dad to see what the future likely has in store for you. Your boyfriend may have a good shape and all of his hair at 18, but his dad will give you a view to what he will look like for most of his adult life. Don't be fooled by the glow and gleam brought on by the rushing testosterone. See what you're going to be cooking in your oven for 9 months.
Now, of course, marrying someone you find physically attractive is important for you as a person. You'll want to be with someone you like to look at and take pictures with. But it's also important because your physical attraction to him has consequences for your kids. You see, it will be easier to want to do the thing to make the babies you want if you find him physically attractive. I know that on TV and in movies they tell you that lots of women fake enjoying sex but have sex anyways to keep their man happy or to get pregnant. But faking enjoying sex gets old real fast, like after week 2 (and remember, if you are going for a temple marriage, you are agreeing to have sex with this dude for eternity...yowwwzer!). And if you want to have a large, mormon pioneer style family of 12, that's a lot of sex to fake enjoying (especially if you and your man are not fertile like Napa valley). So, not only will this man help make your kids cute or ugly, but the man you marry will also make your "making babies" fun or hell. A sense of humor will not help you much with either of those things.
Now, before you get worked up--a sense of humor and other suchs skills and characteristics are very important--I'm just helping you to stop pretending that what he look likes doesn't or shouldn't matter to you. Believe me, if they guy has a bad sense of humor it can nearly kill you and the marriage (note: if he really enjoys fart jokes, or watching MTV shows like "Jackass", etc you are in big, big trouble!). We'll get to those other good traits later.
Many women like to say that the thing they most look for in a guy is a sense of humor. Many women also lie about their weight... I don't know why, but many women are uncomfortable admitting that they hope to date and marry a man whose best feature is his looks (perhaps they are afraid to find someone better looking than them?--you know that idea actually has legs... Imagine waking up years from now...you look yourself in the mirror and see the bags under your eyes, the dull hair...then you look back at the bed and think to yourself..."at least I don't look as bad as he does...man, is he ugly, fat, and pasty white..." You know, maybe you should marry an ugly guy!).
Anyways, you should try to find a man that you find attractive--this may seem rather obvious, but hear me out. Not only will you have to wake up next to this guy for the next 50 years and possibly for eternity, but marry an attractive man because he will contribute to the look of your children. For many women, having a family and cute little kids to care for is the major part of their life plan. You're going to have to love those little buggers through the good times (when their learning to walk and talk) and the bad times (at the end of your day at Disneyland and they are screaming bloody murder). And one highly likely truth is that it is so much easy to love cute kids. How could you do something as cruel as marry an ugly guy and therefore short-change your children?!?!?
Listen to your ovaries when you're meeting men. Make sure that the spawn inside your womb will be happy getting half of their genetic material from your dating partners. Imagine your fiance as a 6 month old in a onesy (ok, that's not helpful but damn funny). The official highly likely truth of this chapter is that your husband will eventually grow to look like his father (for better or for worse). And so will your children! You need to check out his dad to see what the future likely has in store for you. Your boyfriend may have a good shape and all of his hair at 18, but his dad will give you a view to what he will look like for most of his adult life. Don't be fooled by the glow and gleam brought on by the rushing testosterone. See what you're going to be cooking in your oven for 9 months.
Now, of course, marrying someone you find physically attractive is important for you as a person. You'll want to be with someone you like to look at and take pictures with. But it's also important because your physical attraction to him has consequences for your kids. You see, it will be easier to want to do the thing to make the babies you want if you find him physically attractive. I know that on TV and in movies they tell you that lots of women fake enjoying sex but have sex anyways to keep their man happy or to get pregnant. But faking enjoying sex gets old real fast, like after week 2 (and remember, if you are going for a temple marriage, you are agreeing to have sex with this dude for eternity...yowwwzer!). And if you want to have a large, mormon pioneer style family of 12, that's a lot of sex to fake enjoying (especially if you and your man are not fertile like Napa valley). So, not only will this man help make your kids cute or ugly, but the man you marry will also make your "making babies" fun or hell. A sense of humor will not help you much with either of those things.
Now, before you get worked up--a sense of humor and other suchs skills and characteristics are very important--I'm just helping you to stop pretending that what he look likes doesn't or shouldn't matter to you. Believe me, if they guy has a bad sense of humor it can nearly kill you and the marriage (note: if he really enjoys fart jokes, or watching MTV shows like "Jackass", etc you are in big, big trouble!). We'll get to those other good traits later.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Truth #3 for YW about dating & marriage
It's all about having a point of reference
I'm not going to bore you with another analogy about maps, compasses, directions, etc. I'm sure that you've been introduced to a number of these by now--if not, then you either did not go to Girls Camp, missed out on EFY, never read the New Era, never went to a fireside, didn't listen in your Young Women's lessons--basically, you were absent.
You know that it's so easy to get lost if you don't have a point of reference (either from which you are leaving or are headed to). It's also very difficult in life to be happy without having a point of reference. How do you know what "hot" is if you don't know what some exposure to "cold"? It's not just about opposites, but rather about filling in the spectrum of experience so that you have a complete picture and point of reference.
Too many girls are getting married without any points of reference--they are living lives that are empty and shallow. Their lives empty and vapid, they are focused on silly, trivial things. This certainly doesn't apply to all or even most girls, but it does apply to too many. And much too many are living lives that fail to meet their potential; their lives are devoid of any personal growth and development. They are "Barbie" incarnate--little more than a plaything (some, however, come with shiny, attractive accessories!). (Note: if you had to look up the words vapid, devoid, and incarnate, I might be talking about you...ouch, huh?)
Sadly, you are being inundated with message from media sources and society in general that your primary value is in the shape of your body, the color of your hair, how in style your clothes are. You're being told that your aspiration in life is to be provided for, sheltered, luxurious, and leisurely. MTV tells you simultaneously that you're a princess at 16 who deserves to be pampered to the extreme and that the best way to be hot is to dress like a whore and "shake that ass" for a rapper's posse in a music video. You, too, can make on the cast of the Real World if you are willing to dabble in bi-sexuality and mate multiple partners within hours of one another.
Let's see who some of your top icons and role models are (according to the media): Paris Hilton (bimbo playgirl heiress with a sex tape); Lindsey Lohan (bimbo bi-sexual actress with a drug problem); Britney Spears (bimbo deliquint single mother with too many problems to list); etc. Even many of the good girls have lots of issues--they're applauded just because they remember to wear panties when they go out for a night on the town! Do you remember your panties?
Even your LDS boyfriend or the boys you want to date are reinforcing the message that you are only as worthwhile as you are physically attractive. Sadly, YM are mindless predator sharks hungry for an appetizing meal--they're not doing it maliciously, but the fact remains. I'm working on them, too (see the other chapters for YM).
One day it will be worth it to you to be more than an object, more than a Cosmo girl who "like, totally, like, completely, is on the down low." You need to build yourself a life and give yourself the points of reference that will give your existence meaning and richness. You need to do this for you and you need to do it for your husband to be if you want to be happy and fulfilled. That's a very important distinction to make--I'm trying to help you be happy AND fulfilled. You can be a very happy housewife whose primary activites are caring for children, eating bon-bons, picking out hair color, and reading the Twilight series (or Harry Potter). That doesn't mean that you're having an enriching experience that takes advantage of your natural talents and the resources available to you. You have potential and "girl we gonna work it!"
What you need to do as a young woman is get yourself some education and/ or life experience. You have the time, energy, resources to acquire these while you are young. It's not impossible to get education or life experiences when you're older but it is much harder. Your free time is limited as your age (until you're what you would call "old"). It's kinda of like dancing--much easier when you can bend in most directions (try doing a latin-style dance when you're 50--egad!!! Which brings to a tangent--wasn't the old lady Cloris Leachman on Dancing with the Stars freakin' scary? It was like a bad freakshow-when they had her do sexy routines it was akin to watching your parents having sex--not a good thing).
Anyways, you are what you make of yourself. You need to acquire some knowledge of how things work in the world. You need to discover the great treasures of wisdom and learning that mankind has amassed. You need to expose yourself to beauty and truth (no I'm not talking about getting beauty tips from Oprah or Tyra Banks). You need to find paths to wander down (not shopping ailses); you need to find meaningful daily activity (other than choosing an outfit); you need to find a reason for being. If you weren't sure by what I meant without reading the quips in the parentheses, then you're in trouble--as in, are you suffering from a lack of oxygen? Are you reading this or do you have to have it read to you?.. Education and life experiences are the gateway to finding fulfillment.
Note: being a housewife and mother can be a VERY fulfilling and purposeful activity/role. While some (many, most, or even all) of the housewifey and mothery duties can be unfulfilling, mundane, and dull--they are only the functional means to a very good end--producing healthy, stable, productive citizens. Don't jump to conclusions that I'm gonna say burn that bra and get in the workplace. If you become a mother, wear a bra. Please.
Education and life experiences can be acquired in a variety of manners. Not everyone has to go to college; not everyone has to go to work. Those are two very effective and well traveled paths, ones you would do well to consider. You can also serve a mission, do volunteer work, self study, pursue interests that expand your horizons. You need to assert yourself and do things for yourself. Those are two wonderful things that come from getting an education or from working or doing other worthwhile things .
The third benefit is that you become your own person. As a child you are dependent on your parents and teachers and other adults to point the way, to tell you what to think, and what to do. Part of your maturation into adulthood is learning how to identify the way, thinking for yourself, choosing what to do. Having an education (formal or informal) and/or life experiences makes you an unique individual and gives you some substance. You'll be able to stand on your own and have worth in your own right.
Note: You don't get credit for your spouse and their education or life experiences. You don't get vicarious credit for what your husband does or might have experienced. Just in the same way that you are not a Returned Missionary because your husband is an RM, you are not an engineer because he is an engineer. If your husband owns or operates a business, you are not a business owner (helping out with some office duties or supervising the receptionist does not count--you have to spend equal time and have equal involvement day-in and day-out.).
Two of the women that I know personally and respect very much are very smart (my mother and my wife)--they have graduated from college and worked, but more importantly, they have continued to grow after the fact. My mother is one of the brightest people I know and I think that it would be safe to say that much of what she has learned she learned after getting married. Certainly, going to college probably taught her something about how to learn on her own. Gaining education and life experiences is a life long pursuit. You'll have to read non-fiction and the news, watch good TV programming, go places, do things (going places and doing things do not include going to get a manicure--yes you'll get your manicure from a little Korean man, but that's not really going international. Oh, I can't help myself. Ok, say the following with your best Korean accent: "You have very bad cuticles! Very ugly. You want flower? I make you very sexy flower for $5"). If you can name all of the characters from Grey's Anatomy but can't name more than 2 of the 9 Supreme Court Justices or both your US senators, then you're misplacing your focus (yes, you can still have guilty pleasures btw). Hey, Grey's Anatomy fans--hate the play, not the player!
This is starting to get very long so let's get to some summary points: First and foremost, education and/or life experiences will make your life more fulfilling and enriched. You'll have the benefit of knowing what life offers and what you can achieve. You'll be able to better appreciate the high and lows, beauty and ugliness, truth and falsehoods. You'll know who you are and what you can become. You might even get to be in my circle of friends (I mean, if you want to be friends...Check the yes or no box at the bottom of this note...No, I haven't grown up past 7th grade and I just want someone to check yes because nobody would check yes in the 7th grade and it scarred me and I wasn't able to kiss a girl until I was almost 18, ok, I was able but didn't get to and I think that it all had to do with the notes in 7th grade--what the hell is happening, I can't stop typing and revealing personal secrets, kill me now, somebody stop me pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!!!).
Having some education and/or life experiences will make motherhood more fulfilling because you'll appreciate the consequences of your role and will have maybe have a better idea of how to do it.
Having some education and/or life experiences will make you a better wife and spouse because you'll be an equal partner and he'll treat you like it. You'll be a confidant he can turn to because you'll be able to think out situations with him. You'll be a source of information, insight, and ideas. He'll be proud of you and will think of you as more than just an object and staff member in his household.
Having these will also have the benefit of pushing your husband to be a better person. He'll want to keep up with you. He'll want to do more than just watch sports and Sportscenter. He'll want to talk to you about stuff (always a tough one)! Anything you can do to help him be better, is good for you, too. That's a point to remember.
I'm not going to bore you with another analogy about maps, compasses, directions, etc. I'm sure that you've been introduced to a number of these by now--if not, then you either did not go to Girls Camp, missed out on EFY, never read the New Era, never went to a fireside, didn't listen in your Young Women's lessons--basically, you were absent.
You know that it's so easy to get lost if you don't have a point of reference (either from which you are leaving or are headed to). It's also very difficult in life to be happy without having a point of reference. How do you know what "hot" is if you don't know what some exposure to "cold"? It's not just about opposites, but rather about filling in the spectrum of experience so that you have a complete picture and point of reference.
Too many girls are getting married without any points of reference--they are living lives that are empty and shallow. Their lives empty and vapid, they are focused on silly, trivial things. This certainly doesn't apply to all or even most girls, but it does apply to too many. And much too many are living lives that fail to meet their potential; their lives are devoid of any personal growth and development. They are "Barbie" incarnate--little more than a plaything (some, however, come with shiny, attractive accessories!). (Note: if you had to look up the words vapid, devoid, and incarnate, I might be talking about you...ouch, huh?)
Sadly, you are being inundated with message from media sources and society in general that your primary value is in the shape of your body, the color of your hair, how in style your clothes are. You're being told that your aspiration in life is to be provided for, sheltered, luxurious, and leisurely. MTV tells you simultaneously that you're a princess at 16 who deserves to be pampered to the extreme and that the best way to be hot is to dress like a whore and "shake that ass" for a rapper's posse in a music video. You, too, can make on the cast of the Real World if you are willing to dabble in bi-sexuality and mate multiple partners within hours of one another.
Let's see who some of your top icons and role models are (according to the media): Paris Hilton (bimbo playgirl heiress with a sex tape); Lindsey Lohan (bimbo bi-sexual actress with a drug problem); Britney Spears (bimbo deliquint single mother with too many problems to list); etc. Even many of the good girls have lots of issues--they're applauded just because they remember to wear panties when they go out for a night on the town! Do you remember your panties?
Even your LDS boyfriend or the boys you want to date are reinforcing the message that you are only as worthwhile as you are physically attractive. Sadly, YM are mindless predator sharks hungry for an appetizing meal--they're not doing it maliciously, but the fact remains. I'm working on them, too (see the other chapters for YM).
One day it will be worth it to you to be more than an object, more than a Cosmo girl who "like, totally, like, completely, is on the down low." You need to build yourself a life and give yourself the points of reference that will give your existence meaning and richness. You need to do this for you and you need to do it for your husband to be if you want to be happy and fulfilled. That's a very important distinction to make--I'm trying to help you be happy AND fulfilled. You can be a very happy housewife whose primary activites are caring for children, eating bon-bons, picking out hair color, and reading the Twilight series (or Harry Potter). That doesn't mean that you're having an enriching experience that takes advantage of your natural talents and the resources available to you. You have potential and "girl we gonna work it!"
What you need to do as a young woman is get yourself some education and/ or life experience. You have the time, energy, resources to acquire these while you are young. It's not impossible to get education or life experiences when you're older but it is much harder. Your free time is limited as your age (until you're what you would call "old"). It's kinda of like dancing--much easier when you can bend in most directions (try doing a latin-style dance when you're 50--egad!!! Which brings to a tangent--wasn't the old lady Cloris Leachman on Dancing with the Stars freakin' scary? It was like a bad freakshow-when they had her do sexy routines it was akin to watching your parents having sex--not a good thing).
Anyways, you are what you make of yourself. You need to acquire some knowledge of how things work in the world. You need to discover the great treasures of wisdom and learning that mankind has amassed. You need to expose yourself to beauty and truth (no I'm not talking about getting beauty tips from Oprah or Tyra Banks). You need to find paths to wander down (not shopping ailses); you need to find meaningful daily activity (other than choosing an outfit); you need to find a reason for being. If you weren't sure by what I meant without reading the quips in the parentheses, then you're in trouble--as in, are you suffering from a lack of oxygen? Are you reading this or do you have to have it read to you?.. Education and life experiences are the gateway to finding fulfillment.
Note: being a housewife and mother can be a VERY fulfilling and purposeful activity/role. While some (many, most, or even all) of the housewifey and mothery duties can be unfulfilling, mundane, and dull--they are only the functional means to a very good end--producing healthy, stable, productive citizens. Don't jump to conclusions that I'm gonna say burn that bra and get in the workplace. If you become a mother, wear a bra. Please.
Education and life experiences can be acquired in a variety of manners. Not everyone has to go to college; not everyone has to go to work. Those are two very effective and well traveled paths, ones you would do well to consider. You can also serve a mission, do volunteer work, self study, pursue interests that expand your horizons. You need to assert yourself and do things for yourself. Those are two wonderful things that come from getting an education or from working or doing other worthwhile things .
The third benefit is that you become your own person. As a child you are dependent on your parents and teachers and other adults to point the way, to tell you what to think, and what to do. Part of your maturation into adulthood is learning how to identify the way, thinking for yourself, choosing what to do. Having an education (formal or informal) and/or life experiences makes you an unique individual and gives you some substance. You'll be able to stand on your own and have worth in your own right.
Note: You don't get credit for your spouse and their education or life experiences. You don't get vicarious credit for what your husband does or might have experienced. Just in the same way that you are not a Returned Missionary because your husband is an RM, you are not an engineer because he is an engineer. If your husband owns or operates a business, you are not a business owner (helping out with some office duties or supervising the receptionist does not count--you have to spend equal time and have equal involvement day-in and day-out.).
Two of the women that I know personally and respect very much are very smart (my mother and my wife)--they have graduated from college and worked, but more importantly, they have continued to grow after the fact. My mother is one of the brightest people I know and I think that it would be safe to say that much of what she has learned she learned after getting married. Certainly, going to college probably taught her something about how to learn on her own. Gaining education and life experiences is a life long pursuit. You'll have to read non-fiction and the news, watch good TV programming, go places, do things (going places and doing things do not include going to get a manicure--yes you'll get your manicure from a little Korean man, but that's not really going international. Oh, I can't help myself. Ok, say the following with your best Korean accent: "You have very bad cuticles! Very ugly. You want flower? I make you very sexy flower for $5"). If you can name all of the characters from Grey's Anatomy but can't name more than 2 of the 9 Supreme Court Justices or both your US senators, then you're misplacing your focus (yes, you can still have guilty pleasures btw). Hey, Grey's Anatomy fans--hate the play, not the player!
This is starting to get very long so let's get to some summary points: First and foremost, education and/or life experiences will make your life more fulfilling and enriched. You'll have the benefit of knowing what life offers and what you can achieve. You'll be able to better appreciate the high and lows, beauty and ugliness, truth and falsehoods. You'll know who you are and what you can become. You might even get to be in my circle of friends (I mean, if you want to be friends...Check the yes or no box at the bottom of this note...No, I haven't grown up past 7th grade and I just want someone to check yes because nobody would check yes in the 7th grade and it scarred me and I wasn't able to kiss a girl until I was almost 18, ok, I was able but didn't get to and I think that it all had to do with the notes in 7th grade--what the hell is happening, I can't stop typing and revealing personal secrets, kill me now, somebody stop me pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!!!).
Having some education and/or life experiences will make motherhood more fulfilling because you'll appreciate the consequences of your role and will have maybe have a better idea of how to do it.
Having some education and/or life experiences will make you a better wife and spouse because you'll be an equal partner and he'll treat you like it. You'll be a confidant he can turn to because you'll be able to think out situations with him. You'll be a source of information, insight, and ideas. He'll be proud of you and will think of you as more than just an object and staff member in his household.
Having these will also have the benefit of pushing your husband to be a better person. He'll want to keep up with you. He'll want to do more than just watch sports and Sportscenter. He'll want to talk to you about stuff (always a tough one)! Anything you can do to help him be better, is good for you, too. That's a point to remember.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Truth #4 about dating and marriage for YM
Better check your Kelly Blue Book Value
Sometime in your adult life time you will own and car and want to sell it or trade it in for something else. You'll begin by searching out the car that you want. Maybe you're going to move up in the world--4 doors! Finally, you think that you might be able to afford a new car, or at least one that came off the assembly line within the last 5 years. The sticker price seems to be something within your price range--you don't have much for a down payment, but with the right interest rate and trade-in value on your current wheels you'll be in business.
So you go and get the Kelley Blue Book to find out what the value of your current car--just to make sure before you go to the dealer; you want to know what to expect. You think that it’s probably worth about $10,000 because that’s just a little bit less than what you paid for it 2 years ago (and that’s what you still owe on it). You open the pages and discover that your prized 1999 Honda Accord is only worth $3,000. Ouch!
You see, it’s hard to see what we really are sometimes. This is especially true when we try to evaluate ourselves and our readiness for marriage. You, my young, naive friend, are the automobile in question (and your bride-to-be, too). You think that you’re ready to get married, start a family and provide for children, etc--but I would like to offer a highly likely truth for your consideration: No, you are probably not ready.
Let’s review your resume. You highly likely to be a recently returned missionary who 1) has never had to provide shelter and food for himself (on his own dime! not Daddy's); 2) lives with several roommates now to pay the rent (maybe up to 5); 3) lived with a companion on your mission because you couldn't be trusted to behave on your own (hell, they didn't even trust you to own an emergency frequency radio for heaven's sake!); 4) oh, you probably haven’t had a real job yet (a real job is one that didn’t get from your dad or uncle, provides real benefits, and you wouldn’t be embarrassed to announce at sacrament Meeting at a normal ward--not at a singles ward or BYU married ward). Being a waiter at Olive Garden is an ok job if you’re single. Most kids don’t say, “I want to be a grocery bagger when I grow up.” 5) and you probably aren’t ready to get a real job in the next week or two.
Before you're girlfriend/fiance gets all bent out of shape and drags out some quotes from some GA, let me clarify some things. I’m not saying that you have to be financially secure, have a career going yet, etc. to get married or have children. Church leaders have said otherwise and I agree with them. But you do need to be aware of your real worth as a husband and father. You have to have a plan of how you’re going to become financially secure. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that just because you served a mission you can now take on the obligations of a wife and children. RM doesn't just stand for Returned Missionary, it also stands for Really imMature economically (ok, so I couldn't come up with anything).
Sadly, many of your friends and peers are struggling because they were unaware or ignored the highly likely truth we're covering in this chapter. Also, many of them became a bit delusional as a result of Mission Related Ego Inflation Disorder (MREID for short). MREID causes RMs to have a sense of self that is unreal and disconnected from reality. They think that there isn't anything that they can't do and that there isn't anything they aren't entitled to because they served an honorable mission and their mission president told them that they had all sorts of blessings coming their way. There are other causes but let's move on. RMs suffering from MREID will challenge this chapter by proclaiming that they have lots of skills to offer and people who want to hire them. Unfortunately they don't get it--The CIA and States Department aren’t going to hire them and if a mission is all you got, just hope the employer doesn’t think Mormonism is a cult (highly likely outside of Utah, Idaho, California, and Arizona). Because you lived in a foreign country and speak a foreign language (Spanish most likely), you're now well qualified to be the assistant part-time shift manager at McDonalds helping to translate orders to the mexicans working the fryers. Or if you speak something like Korean, you can be the parts clerk at the regional KIA dealership who calls in special orders to the home factory in Seoul, South Korea. Wow! What career prospects! Serving a mission is a good thing (and very good for learning skills that will help you be a breadwinner one day) but it is not an internship at Microsoft or General Electric.
What can you do to remedy the situation? I'll share a couple of tips. If you are in college, pick a major and get going on it. Don't study something like art history or marine biology. Pick something that actually has a career track (moving from "Seal Pool Cleaner" to "Seal Feeder" to "Seal Trainer" to "Seal Show Performer" at Sea World is not a career track). A degree in Art History will only help you to appreciate the artistic elements of your struggle with poverty in a market economy that produces great wealth. Studying Forest Managment is great preparation for living in a van by the river...
Establish contacts and relationships with people who can actually help you. Your roommate who is great finding out about parties should no longer be the most important person you keep tight with. Brother Samuels, who is a regional manager for Johnson & Johnson should be the person you speak with on a regular basis.
Get a timeline going. Have a plan that has some security coming in the near future (meaning in the next 18-24 months). If you are a recent RM who still has 3 years of college left to go and your bride-to-be is 18 going on 19, you have no near term security in your future. Date for a while and milk your parents for a while longer. While you want to get married right now (see truth #2), you don't have to; you have some time to prepare yourself properly. The same is true for having kids. To be honest, I'm not sure why we let anyone under the age of 21 do anything important--vote, drink, marry, procreate (outside of Mormon-dom the last three usually go: drink, procreate, marry...). You're just too dumb until you get a wee bit older.
And last but not least (always the controversial point at the end!)--don't make "the Lord will provide" a part of your wedding and economic plan. Yes, you'll get some help and blessings for righteous living, but that doesn't mean that He will make a rich chocolate souffle from ramen noodles. He will help you improve what you create and supply. Remember on your mission the story about the missionary who couldn't speak the language but suddenly could for some occasion? What's common in all the stories? That the missionary studied his butt off trying to learn the language. He got divine help recalling his study--he didn't get new information magically planted in his head. The same goes for your welfare as a breadwinner--you'll get help if you prepare and put forth effort. I know that somewhere in the Old Testament is says something like, "For behold, prepare a full feast and harvest by the sweat of thy brow, but a warning to my people for when thou givest crap for an offering, crap shall be thy blessing and heritage..." (that's the New English Translation version)
You may be asking, well when will I know that my Blue Book Value is high enough? That's a difficult answer to quantify, but let's look at some likely factors: You should be able to pay for a place to live, transport yourself from place to place, eat, meet your other bill obligations, pay tithing, and have a little in savings--without getting any financial help from your parents, bishop, or the government (and you shouldn't have to use student loans to meet any of these expenses). If you have a car that's paid for (either by you or Dad), you need to factor in a car payment because one day you'll need to buy a new one (or make repairs to the current wheels). You also need to factor in car insurance since you'll be kicked off Dad's policy when you get married. The same goes for health insurance. Now, you can factor in income from both you and the wife-to-be but if you think that $1,300 a month is plenty, then you have another thing coming. If you can do the things listed above and are on the verge of having some good prospects near term, then you're much more highly likely to be ready to say "I do."
Sometime in your adult life time you will own and car and want to sell it or trade it in for something else. You'll begin by searching out the car that you want. Maybe you're going to move up in the world--4 doors! Finally, you think that you might be able to afford a new car, or at least one that came off the assembly line within the last 5 years. The sticker price seems to be something within your price range--you don't have much for a down payment, but with the right interest rate and trade-in value on your current wheels you'll be in business.
So you go and get the Kelley Blue Book to find out what the value of your current car--just to make sure before you go to the dealer; you want to know what to expect. You think that it’s probably worth about $10,000 because that’s just a little bit less than what you paid for it 2 years ago (and that’s what you still owe on it). You open the pages and discover that your prized 1999 Honda Accord is only worth $3,000. Ouch!
You see, it’s hard to see what we really are sometimes. This is especially true when we try to evaluate ourselves and our readiness for marriage. You, my young, naive friend, are the automobile in question (and your bride-to-be, too). You think that you’re ready to get married, start a family and provide for children, etc--but I would like to offer a highly likely truth for your consideration: No, you are probably not ready.
Let’s review your resume. You highly likely to be a recently returned missionary who 1) has never had to provide shelter and food for himself (on his own dime! not Daddy's); 2) lives with several roommates now to pay the rent (maybe up to 5); 3) lived with a companion on your mission because you couldn't be trusted to behave on your own (hell, they didn't even trust you to own an emergency frequency radio for heaven's sake!); 4) oh, you probably haven’t had a real job yet (a real job is one that didn’t get from your dad or uncle, provides real benefits, and you wouldn’t be embarrassed to announce at sacrament Meeting at a normal ward--not at a singles ward or BYU married ward). Being a waiter at Olive Garden is an ok job if you’re single. Most kids don’t say, “I want to be a grocery bagger when I grow up.” 5) and you probably aren’t ready to get a real job in the next week or two.
Important note: I am all about making the best of your situation. If you are out of work or between jobs or just down on your luck, being a waiter at Olive Garden or being a grocery bagger is something you should do. There is absolutely no shame in that. The only shame in life is giving up in your role as breadwinner and doing nothing. I'm just saying that if your plans in life include supporting a family of more than 1, you had better make efforts and plans to be able to secure a regular income that will fulfill that goal. One more thing: there are lots of jobs that are just fine as second income sources (including being a waiter) that maybe don't pay a whole lot. Those are good, honorable jobs. But I am figuring that most of you YM are hoping to do the traditional breadwinning route where you can have the wife stay at home with the kids.
So, we've established that your economic Blue Book Value is less than optimal. That's ok. We can fix that and now that you know that we can help you make good choices before you make a mistake. Know is half the battle.Before you're girlfriend/fiance gets all bent out of shape and drags out some quotes from some GA, let me clarify some things. I’m not saying that you have to be financially secure, have a career going yet, etc. to get married or have children. Church leaders have said otherwise and I agree with them. But you do need to be aware of your real worth as a husband and father. You have to have a plan of how you’re going to become financially secure. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that just because you served a mission you can now take on the obligations of a wife and children. RM doesn't just stand for Returned Missionary, it also stands for Really imMature economically (ok, so I couldn't come up with anything).
Sadly, many of your friends and peers are struggling because they were unaware or ignored the highly likely truth we're covering in this chapter. Also, many of them became a bit delusional as a result of Mission Related Ego Inflation Disorder (MREID for short). MREID causes RMs to have a sense of self that is unreal and disconnected from reality. They think that there isn't anything that they can't do and that there isn't anything they aren't entitled to because they served an honorable mission and their mission president told them that they had all sorts of blessings coming their way. There are other causes but let's move on. RMs suffering from MREID will challenge this chapter by proclaiming that they have lots of skills to offer and people who want to hire them. Unfortunately they don't get it--The CIA and States Department aren’t going to hire them and if a mission is all you got, just hope the employer doesn’t think Mormonism is a cult (highly likely outside of Utah, Idaho, California, and Arizona). Because you lived in a foreign country and speak a foreign language (Spanish most likely), you're now well qualified to be the assistant part-time shift manager at McDonalds helping to translate orders to the mexicans working the fryers. Or if you speak something like Korean, you can be the parts clerk at the regional KIA dealership who calls in special orders to the home factory in Seoul, South Korea. Wow! What career prospects! Serving a mission is a good thing (and very good for learning skills that will help you be a breadwinner one day) but it is not an internship at Microsoft or General Electric.
What can you do to remedy the situation? I'll share a couple of tips. If you are in college, pick a major and get going on it. Don't study something like art history or marine biology. Pick something that actually has a career track (moving from "Seal Pool Cleaner" to "Seal Feeder" to "Seal Trainer" to "Seal Show Performer" at Sea World is not a career track). A degree in Art History will only help you to appreciate the artistic elements of your struggle with poverty in a market economy that produces great wealth. Studying Forest Managment is great preparation for living in a van by the river...
Establish contacts and relationships with people who can actually help you. Your roommate who is great finding out about parties should no longer be the most important person you keep tight with. Brother Samuels, who is a regional manager for Johnson & Johnson should be the person you speak with on a regular basis.
Get a timeline going. Have a plan that has some security coming in the near future (meaning in the next 18-24 months). If you are a recent RM who still has 3 years of college left to go and your bride-to-be is 18 going on 19, you have no near term security in your future. Date for a while and milk your parents for a while longer. While you want to get married right now (see truth #2), you don't have to; you have some time to prepare yourself properly. The same is true for having kids. To be honest, I'm not sure why we let anyone under the age of 21 do anything important--vote, drink, marry, procreate (outside of Mormon-dom the last three usually go: drink, procreate, marry...). You're just too dumb until you get a wee bit older.
And last but not least (always the controversial point at the end!)--don't make "the Lord will provide" a part of your wedding and economic plan. Yes, you'll get some help and blessings for righteous living, but that doesn't mean that He will make a rich chocolate souffle from ramen noodles. He will help you improve what you create and supply. Remember on your mission the story about the missionary who couldn't speak the language but suddenly could for some occasion? What's common in all the stories? That the missionary studied his butt off trying to learn the language. He got divine help recalling his study--he didn't get new information magically planted in his head. The same goes for your welfare as a breadwinner--you'll get help if you prepare and put forth effort. I know that somewhere in the Old Testament is says something like, "For behold, prepare a full feast and harvest by the sweat of thy brow, but a warning to my people for when thou givest crap for an offering, crap shall be thy blessing and heritage..." (that's the New English Translation version)
You may be asking, well when will I know that my Blue Book Value is high enough? That's a difficult answer to quantify, but let's look at some likely factors: You should be able to pay for a place to live, transport yourself from place to place, eat, meet your other bill obligations, pay tithing, and have a little in savings--without getting any financial help from your parents, bishop, or the government (and you shouldn't have to use student loans to meet any of these expenses). If you have a car that's paid for (either by you or Dad), you need to factor in a car payment because one day you'll need to buy a new one (or make repairs to the current wheels). You also need to factor in car insurance since you'll be kicked off Dad's policy when you get married. The same goes for health insurance. Now, you can factor in income from both you and the wife-to-be but if you think that $1,300 a month is plenty, then you have another thing coming. If you can do the things listed above and are on the verge of having some good prospects near term, then you're much more highly likely to be ready to say "I do."
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
A Revelation?
Ok. I have some news to share. I don't know if this forum is the best place to do it, but it will have to do. I'm sharing this because I think that I need to address something about my image and the way people see me. I think that I can be misunderstood sometimes...
Let's get right to it: On Friday June 26th, I went down to the Phoenix Convention Center to audition for So You Think You Can Dance. And guess what--I was accepted to go to Las Vegas for the callbacks!!!!
However, I won't be going to Vegas because I later fessed up that I wasn't under 30 (the producers made a big point of telling us that had been given tickets that if we had lied on our applications and then gone on to Vegas that we would be in big trouble and would be enforcing the penalties listed in the Release forms).
Let me tell you about it: First, there were thousands of people. Lots of folks brought friends and family. I was by myself (4 kids outside in 100* weather sounds more fun than it is). There were freaks and attention-whores--you know the people who will do anything to get noticed and hopefully get on TV. Lots of people thinking that they needed to start warming up and practice their routine for hours. There wasn't a lot of guys (I thought that would help my chances--they need guys and so there wasn't as much competition). Anyway, we got in line and started the wait--that summaries the day: get in line and wait; do one or two things and then get in line a wait.
Once we got going inside, you have to turn in your paperwork and get your number. They then divide you up and you start the interview process. You go from producer to producer answering questions--they're looking for people who have interesting stories or who will be a big time embarassment on stage. I was hoping to play the big-tall-guy-who-hasn't-danced-in-years-but-not-giving-up-the-dream story, but they didn't seem to really care. I didn't see any of the judges or other famous folks walking around, but they had to have been there because you could hear people scream out names every now and then.
Some people were turned away after different interview sessions. After about 2-3 sessions, they put you in a screen room where they asked you to do a few dance moves and tell the camera that "I'm America's favorite dancer." Then we went to a room and had the opportunity to do part of your routine for a group of judges (although I didn't recognize any of them). Again, more were told "no thanks" and the rest of us moved on. By this time we were getting prepped to actually go on stage and dance. It was at this point I saw my first celeb--host Cat Deeley. Let me say a few things: She is TALL. You see it on TV, but she wasn't much shorter than me. She is a pencil and seems to have a much thicker accent in person. Anyway, she didn't interview all of us, but I did get a "Finally, a dancer I can look up to!". That was actually kind of exciting.
So, before heading on stage, we went to a staging area to turn in our CDs (they have very specific rules on the music you bring). Then you sit down and wait to be called up. They bring you up in groups of 5 at a time. You can hear most of the judges comments but not all of them. Once you are in the group of 5 waiting, you can hear them much better and it makes you very nervous.It was a little after 3 pm by the time I got on stage. I decided to do a jazz-contemporary routine. Since I haven't done choreographed dance in years, I had gone on YouTube to find a routine. I found one from season 2 auditions that went over really well. I spent several weeks practicing it and I think that I had it down well. I even did the same music: "Calabria" by Enur.
It went as well as I could hope. They let me do the whole routine--at the time, I didn't know if that was a good thing or not. Nigel was nice, said I brought a lot of energy and moved well for being such a tall dancer. Mary Murphy was nice but didn't say much (which kind of shocked me), and the third judge, Lil' C said I needed more technique work and needed to find my connection to the movement (not sure what he meant). They then went back and forth for a bit and talked about wanting to have someone who could bring some size and manliness to the program (the routine was not so gay). So they said that I had potential and should prove my worth in Vegas! I could hardly speak. I did a little jig and then ran to get my ticket.
Anyways, there are lots of things that you do after dancing on stage, but the short of it is there is a big lecture on keeping things confidential and following the rules in the Release form, etc. They put it out there that this was the time to "Come to Jesus" about things they needed to know. That's where I decided to get out now--so I didn't incur any penalities. They were upset, but not so much and I don't think that they were surprised either. That probably means that I won't be on TV at all, but that's not why I did it. I did it for the love of dance and art. I don't hate happiness; I don't hate beauty. I love it and I love artistic expression. I hope to be on a Broadway stage one day. Wish me luck!
Let's get right to it: On Friday June 26th, I went down to the Phoenix Convention Center to audition for So You Think You Can Dance. And guess what--I was accepted to go to Las Vegas for the callbacks!!!!
However, I won't be going to Vegas because I later fessed up that I wasn't under 30 (the producers made a big point of telling us that had been given tickets that if we had lied on our applications and then gone on to Vegas that we would be in big trouble and would be enforcing the penalties listed in the Release forms).
Let me tell you about it: First, there were thousands of people. Lots of folks brought friends and family. I was by myself (4 kids outside in 100* weather sounds more fun than it is). There were freaks and attention-whores--you know the people who will do anything to get noticed and hopefully get on TV. Lots of people thinking that they needed to start warming up and practice their routine for hours. There wasn't a lot of guys (I thought that would help my chances--they need guys and so there wasn't as much competition). Anyway, we got in line and started the wait--that summaries the day: get in line and wait; do one or two things and then get in line a wait.
Once we got going inside, you have to turn in your paperwork and get your number. They then divide you up and you start the interview process. You go from producer to producer answering questions--they're looking for people who have interesting stories or who will be a big time embarassment on stage. I was hoping to play the big-tall-guy-who-hasn't-danced-in-years-but-not-giving-up-the-dream story, but they didn't seem to really care. I didn't see any of the judges or other famous folks walking around, but they had to have been there because you could hear people scream out names every now and then.
Some people were turned away after different interview sessions. After about 2-3 sessions, they put you in a screen room where they asked you to do a few dance moves and tell the camera that "I'm America's favorite dancer." Then we went to a room and had the opportunity to do part of your routine for a group of judges (although I didn't recognize any of them). Again, more were told "no thanks" and the rest of us moved on. By this time we were getting prepped to actually go on stage and dance. It was at this point I saw my first celeb--host Cat Deeley. Let me say a few things: She is TALL. You see it on TV, but she wasn't much shorter than me. She is a pencil and seems to have a much thicker accent in person. Anyway, she didn't interview all of us, but I did get a "Finally, a dancer I can look up to!". That was actually kind of exciting.
So, before heading on stage, we went to a staging area to turn in our CDs (they have very specific rules on the music you bring). Then you sit down and wait to be called up. They bring you up in groups of 5 at a time. You can hear most of the judges comments but not all of them. Once you are in the group of 5 waiting, you can hear them much better and it makes you very nervous.It was a little after 3 pm by the time I got on stage. I decided to do a jazz-contemporary routine. Since I haven't done choreographed dance in years, I had gone on YouTube to find a routine. I found one from season 2 auditions that went over really well. I spent several weeks practicing it and I think that I had it down well. I even did the same music: "Calabria" by Enur.
It went as well as I could hope. They let me do the whole routine--at the time, I didn't know if that was a good thing or not. Nigel was nice, said I brought a lot of energy and moved well for being such a tall dancer. Mary Murphy was nice but didn't say much (which kind of shocked me), and the third judge, Lil' C said I needed more technique work and needed to find my connection to the movement (not sure what he meant). They then went back and forth for a bit and talked about wanting to have someone who could bring some size and manliness to the program (the routine was not so gay). So they said that I had potential and should prove my worth in Vegas! I could hardly speak. I did a little jig and then ran to get my ticket.
Anyways, there are lots of things that you do after dancing on stage, but the short of it is there is a big lecture on keeping things confidential and following the rules in the Release form, etc. They put it out there that this was the time to "Come to Jesus" about things they needed to know. That's where I decided to get out now--so I didn't incur any penalities. They were upset, but not so much and I don't think that they were surprised either. That probably means that I won't be on TV at all, but that's not why I did it. I did it for the love of dance and art. I don't hate happiness; I don't hate beauty. I love it and I love artistic expression. I hope to be on a Broadway stage one day. Wish me luck!
Monday, July 6, 2009
More on that revelation...
Did you really think that I was that gay?!?!? Of course, I didn't audition or any of that. Watching "So You Think You Can Dance" has only confirmed to me that I will never enroll my boys in dance classes--I want them to be STRAIGHT and not dream about either being a dancer or fashion designer. I don't want to see my son doing a contemporary dance about flower petals while wearing a spandex. I don't want to worry about my son telling me--"I've got a part in Hairspray. I'm going to be Edna Turnblad."
Anyway, I hope that you had a good laugh.
Anyway, I hope that you had a good laugh.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Truth #2 about Dating and Marriage for YW
He’s not Mr. Potato Head
You really think your boyfriend is soooo hot. He dresses way cool. He’s his own person and doesn’t worry about impressing others or fitting into the crowd. He’s a little rough around the edges. But that’s part of his charm. Sure, he’s not exactly what Mom was hoping that you’d bring home but he makes you happy. Plus you know that he’ll grow up some day and that you can make him into the man you want him to be. Stop right there.
One of the not highly likely truths that too many women believe going into marriage is that their husband-to-be is Mr. Potato Head. They think that he is a series of interchangeable parts that can be rearranged to make a perfect husband. At any given time you can pop off the smart-alecky mouth and pop on a pair of sugary lips that spills out sweet nothings instead of curse words. They think he’s something that they can makeover. But the highly likely truth is that your husband/fiancé is about as changeable as a slinky (a slinky can be bent and ruined but not improved upon).
The fact is that it doesn’t matter how smart or cute or demanding that you might be—he’s not going to change, or at least he’s not going to change the way that you want. Now that’s not to say that he can’t change—but it has to be on his terms. You can’t change him. If he wears shorts and an old t-shirts on your dates (or to wedding receptions of your friends), then he’s going to dress like a slob when you’re married. If he doesn’t say he loves you often, then you’ll have to learn to live without it. If you don’t like the fact that he passes gas when you’re trying to cuddle—I got bad news for you, that’s not going to change (unfortunately it may get worse). If he doesn’t like to “talk” after you have a fight, then it ain’t going to improve later. If he channels surfs now, he’s not going to hand over the remote when you’re husband and wife. Get the picture?
Sadly, some of your friends or older sister or aunt perhaps have thought that they could change their husbands. They figured they would sweet talk him and subliminally change him. Others figured that they would sit-down and have a heart-to-heart to tell him what a bunch of bad habits he has and how that makes her feel because feelings are important and she believes that he’s going to see the light and make changes because of course he loves her and feelings are important to him, too (right?) and so he must care about her feelings and how could this possibly go wrong?!?!? (Every which way). Maybe the way to change him is to withhold sex until he gets the hint that you’re not happy about A,B, or C.
You know what that those approaches accomplished? They earned her a new title or nickname. It isn’t Sweetie Pie or, Wise One, or The Right One, Master, Rabbi, Guru, etc. Nope, the new title was NAG (or Ice Queen if you employ the withhold technique). It may actually become, “she’s a big fat, domineering, complaining, whining, manipulative NAAAAAGGGG. This is not a good thing. You don’t want that.
So what can you do? Well, the obvious action, of course, is to try to date men that are pretty close to what you eventually want in a partner. Yes, the” bad boy” can be fun, but he’s like a highly fattening dessert—something to be sampled early and later eschewed as you age.
You need to have a little perspective—your destiny in life is tied to this guy. You’re highly likely to depend on him to be the primary breadwinner. While you don’t mind that your current boyfriend can only afford to take you to Olive Garden for a special date because he can’t keep a steady job, that ain’t going to be as much fun when you’re 35. You don’t want to have to sell your plasma for $50 a week just because you’re bad boy can’t be bothered to stop playing video games. You can’t change him. If you marry a loser, you’re stuck with one. You can’t make him smarter, or kinder, or whatever. You might get lucky and he’ll evolve on his own. But do you want to bank on that?
You really think your boyfriend is soooo hot. He dresses way cool. He’s his own person and doesn’t worry about impressing others or fitting into the crowd. He’s a little rough around the edges. But that’s part of his charm. Sure, he’s not exactly what Mom was hoping that you’d bring home but he makes you happy. Plus you know that he’ll grow up some day and that you can make him into the man you want him to be. Stop right there.
One of the not highly likely truths that too many women believe going into marriage is that their husband-to-be is Mr. Potato Head. They think that he is a series of interchangeable parts that can be rearranged to make a perfect husband. At any given time you can pop off the smart-alecky mouth and pop on a pair of sugary lips that spills out sweet nothings instead of curse words. They think he’s something that they can makeover. But the highly likely truth is that your husband/fiancé is about as changeable as a slinky (a slinky can be bent and ruined but not improved upon).
The fact is that it doesn’t matter how smart or cute or demanding that you might be—he’s not going to change, or at least he’s not going to change the way that you want. Now that’s not to say that he can’t change—but it has to be on his terms. You can’t change him. If he wears shorts and an old t-shirts on your dates (or to wedding receptions of your friends), then he’s going to dress like a slob when you’re married. If he doesn’t say he loves you often, then you’ll have to learn to live without it. If you don’t like the fact that he passes gas when you’re trying to cuddle—I got bad news for you, that’s not going to change (unfortunately it may get worse). If he doesn’t like to “talk” after you have a fight, then it ain’t going to improve later. If he channels surfs now, he’s not going to hand over the remote when you’re husband and wife. Get the picture?
Sadly, some of your friends or older sister or aunt perhaps have thought that they could change their husbands. They figured they would sweet talk him and subliminally change him. Others figured that they would sit-down and have a heart-to-heart to tell him what a bunch of bad habits he has and how that makes her feel because feelings are important and she believes that he’s going to see the light and make changes because of course he loves her and feelings are important to him, too (right?) and so he must care about her feelings and how could this possibly go wrong?!?!? (Every which way). Maybe the way to change him is to withhold sex until he gets the hint that you’re not happy about A,B, or C.
You know what that those approaches accomplished? They earned her a new title or nickname. It isn’t Sweetie Pie or, Wise One, or The Right One, Master, Rabbi, Guru, etc. Nope, the new title was NAG (or Ice Queen if you employ the withhold technique). It may actually become, “she’s a big fat, domineering, complaining, whining, manipulative NAAAAAGGGG. This is not a good thing. You don’t want that.
So what can you do? Well, the obvious action, of course, is to try to date men that are pretty close to what you eventually want in a partner. Yes, the” bad boy” can be fun, but he’s like a highly fattening dessert—something to be sampled early and later eschewed as you age.
You need to have a little perspective—your destiny in life is tied to this guy. You’re highly likely to depend on him to be the primary breadwinner. While you don’t mind that your current boyfriend can only afford to take you to Olive Garden for a special date because he can’t keep a steady job, that ain’t going to be as much fun when you’re 35. You don’t want to have to sell your plasma for $50 a week just because you’re bad boy can’t be bothered to stop playing video games. You can’t change him. If you marry a loser, you’re stuck with one. You can’t make him smarter, or kinder, or whatever. You might get lucky and he’ll evolve on his own. But do you want to bank on that?
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Rant #2
Was that Sam L Hutchinson?
Ok, this one may not have a lot of depth to it, but it's one of the oddest Mormon culture things I have come across. What is with our terribly weird fascination with middle initials (or first initials)? What you say? What do I mean?
I mean try saying out loud the name of any modern prophet, apostle, or even most general authorities. Did you say a single one with out saying the middle or first initial? Thomas S Monson, Gordon B Hinckley, Boyd K Packer, Henry B Eyring, even Dieter F Uchtdorf. Now try saying these names without the initial. Give these a try: Harold * Lee, Bruce * McConkie, * Tom Perry...Feel a little odd coming off the tongue? Yep, welcome to Initialville!
It's odd because we don't do that in regular life. EVER. Do you do that at work? Do you tell your co-worker, "Hey the general manager, you know, Phillip C Donalson, is coming by to visit tomorrow." Talk about weirdo speak. Do you ever sign your emails or letters with your middle initials? Do you ever use middle initials with political figures, with comments like, "Hey President Ronald W Reagan and President Bill J Clinton both had a lot of charisma..." Never-ever except in rare cases and then we usually invoke all initials (FDR, JFK, etc).
For a second reason, it's odd because how many Tommy Monson's, or Gordo Hinckley's, or Dieter Uchtdorf's do you know? And of all those, how many do you know have been called to church leadership positions? Exactly. I know there was Joseph F Smith and Joseph Fielding Smith but come on! I know that if you get into genealogy you'll occasionally find that your ancestors sometimes suffered from bouts of lack of creativity when it came to naming children. But it's not a regular issue of confusion of persons.
I believe that the real reason we do the initial thing is to make mere men called to church leadership seem more important, to seem to have a larger stature than the common parishiner, but do we really need that? We need to invest in pride? I can accept having a prophet named Hank just as well as I can accept one named Adam or Peter, or John. Will I listen to counsel because Howard W Hunter said it instead of Howard Hunter? I think not.
What's funny is that it is pervasive. Turn on KBYU. Look at any broadcast program there. If you have cable or satelite you can read the program description which read like this, "BYU Family Expo: Greg R Nobody discusses family dynamics using scriptures..." Greg is an accountant from Provo who is also a counselor in the local stake presidency. But who gives a care? How many folks were hoping that see Greg L Nobody? Whew! Thank goodness we saved them from showing up to the wrong fireside!
Am I crazy for thinking that our persisten, reverential use of the middle initials of church leaders is just a little weird?
Ok, this one may not have a lot of depth to it, but it's one of the oddest Mormon culture things I have come across. What is with our terribly weird fascination with middle initials (or first initials)? What you say? What do I mean?
I mean try saying out loud the name of any modern prophet, apostle, or even most general authorities. Did you say a single one with out saying the middle or first initial? Thomas S Monson, Gordon B Hinckley, Boyd K Packer, Henry B Eyring, even Dieter F Uchtdorf. Now try saying these names without the initial. Give these a try: Harold * Lee, Bruce * McConkie, * Tom Perry...Feel a little odd coming off the tongue? Yep, welcome to Initialville!
It's odd because we don't do that in regular life. EVER. Do you do that at work? Do you tell your co-worker, "Hey the general manager, you know, Phillip C Donalson, is coming by to visit tomorrow." Talk about weirdo speak. Do you ever sign your emails or letters with your middle initials? Do you ever use middle initials with political figures, with comments like, "Hey President Ronald W Reagan and President Bill J Clinton both had a lot of charisma..." Never-ever except in rare cases and then we usually invoke all initials (FDR, JFK, etc).
For a second reason, it's odd because how many Tommy Monson's, or Gordo Hinckley's, or Dieter Uchtdorf's do you know? And of all those, how many do you know have been called to church leadership positions? Exactly. I know there was Joseph F Smith and Joseph Fielding Smith but come on! I know that if you get into genealogy you'll occasionally find that your ancestors sometimes suffered from bouts of lack of creativity when it came to naming children. But it's not a regular issue of confusion of persons.
I believe that the real reason we do the initial thing is to make mere men called to church leadership seem more important, to seem to have a larger stature than the common parishiner, but do we really need that? We need to invest in pride? I can accept having a prophet named Hank just as well as I can accept one named Adam or Peter, or John. Will I listen to counsel because Howard W Hunter said it instead of Howard Hunter? I think not.
What's funny is that it is pervasive. Turn on KBYU. Look at any broadcast program there. If you have cable or satelite you can read the program description which read like this, "BYU Family Expo: Greg R Nobody discusses family dynamics using scriptures..." Greg is an accountant from Provo who is also a counselor in the local stake presidency. But who gives a care? How many folks were hoping that see Greg L Nobody? Whew! Thank goodness we saved them from showing up to the wrong fireside!
Am I crazy for thinking that our persisten, reverential use of the middle initials of church leaders is just a little weird?
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Truth #3 about marriage and dating for YM
For better, for worse
“Dearly Beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony…” Now, LDS temple weddings are not officiated using the traditional wedding vow, but that script does contain one phrase that inspires another truth about dating and marriage for LDS young men. The script goes on to say, “Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse…”
Ah, “for better, for worse”—a willingness to accept the fate that awaits you. A fate that you cannot easily escape once you start down the path of destiny. But the good news for you is that you can manage one particular aspect of fate, or you can at least prepare yourself for its inevitable revelation. You see, you will get older and uglier with time. Most of us reach the pinnacle of our appearance in our early twenties, maybe into our thirties, but after that it’s downhill from there. When we are young, our skin is fresh and supple. Our waistlines are trim. We appear vivacious, full of energy, healthy, and fun. But as you get older, you’ll get fatter (at least a little, maybe a lot). As you age, you’re likely to lose some of your hair. Or at least your hair will move from your head to your back and your ears and nose. That’s not a shock to you and it’s probably something that doesn’t really worry you very much.
But guess what—your beautiful girlfriend or bride will one day get older, too. She won’t lose her hair (probably) but she’ll probably put on a little weight, etc. One day her skin will be a little rougher than it is now, little fine lines and wrinkles may appear. Her hair will shine a little less each year, and she’ll become more of a “mom” and less of the vixen you first met.
The fact that we age and decline is not a fact young men question. It’s not a bad thing either. She won’t be any less attractive because of it. In fact, in many ways you’ll find her more physically attractive over time. You’ll be attracted to her, and not just because she is female, in proximity, and willing. When your 21-25, you’re attracted to just about anything female or easy. As you get older, you’ll discover that you need a partner and not just an object. The good news is that if you choose your wife carefully and thoughtfully, you’ll have a partner you find attractive your whole life through.
But some young grooms delude themselves into believing that their bride-to-be will either never age, or will look like Jennifer Aniston when she’s 40-ish. When she is not looking as hot just a couple years down the road, they become upset and their lust wanes. Dude, she won’t always be 19. That’s highly unlikely (unless you kill and stuff her like a lion shortly after the wedding ceremony, but that’s oftly morbid—think of where that line of thinking will take you...). Just like the short story “A Rose for Emily”—yikes!
Now, I mentioned that you can manage the fate of what your bride will look like as she ages or you can at least prepare yourself for it. How you ask? By learning to accept the highly likely truth that your bride will look more and more like her mother as she ages. And that, my young protégés, is why we started off with “for better, for worse”.
So what does the highly likely truth mean for you? It means that one day you’ll be laying next to your mother-in-law one day (kinda). Are you ok with that? You had better be.
The reason I’m bringing this truth to your attention is this: If you are a male with normal levels of testosterone, then “looks” are a significant consideration in the girls you initially choose to pursue. Because of your testosterone, you’re perfectly willing to overlook many more important traits and characteristics to find that someone that makes you turn your head. You’re not likely to be assessing the single girls who meet by their ability to discuss geopolitics or art (although you should be). Sadly, at this point, you probably don’t care if she is financially prudent. You probably don’t care if she is interested in being a supportive wife. You probably don’t care if she can cook or not. You probably don’t care if she will be a good parent to your spawn. In all reality, you’re a stupid, mindless predator who can’t think much beyond your physical interests. You’re a walking shark!
So, since you are like a shark, we need to teach you to gather some perspective and take the long view. You need to prioritize appearance. There is more to life than just how she looks right now. You certainly want to find a bride who is cute, good looking, etc. You want there to be genuine physical attraction. More importantly, you need to find somebody you respect—intellectually, emotionally, philosophically. It needs to be a balanced choice because if all you do is choose a girl because of her measurements—you’re highly likely to later consider putting a gun to your head as she prattles on endlessly about Spencer and Heidi (unless you’re into “The Hills” type stuff). If you have to explain to your wife that buffalo wings come from chickens, you’re in for a tortuous marriage to a talking blow up doll who spends all of your money.
If you’re lucky like me, you’ll be able to find a bride who is both smart and very good looking. You’ll find lasting dimensions that bond you together and create a whole picture that works. You’ll have a woman that comes together to be better than any individual element. Her good looks will conceal minor character deficiencies; conversely, her smarts or charm will conceal those fine lines gathering near her eyes. By the way, you better damn well hope this is true for you—because if it isn’t, then it’s highly likely she’ll be dumping you as you uglify.
However, if “looks” really is your #1 consideration, you need to factor this in. You need to try to calculate how much the present and future appearance of your bride affects you. If you mother-in-law has cankles, then you’re bride is highly likely to have cankles, too, one day. If your mother-in-law is fit and trim as a mature woman, your bride will likely be trim as a mature woman. If the mother-in-law is large enough to cast a shadow over a small parking lot, then guess what?—so will your girlfriend! If your mother-in-law is a pleasant looking matriarch, then you’re highly likely to be in good fortune.
My paternal genes mean that I am highly likely to have bushy eyebrows. I can’t tell you how often my wife has made some off-hand, unintentional comment about them and I end up in a closet weeping for hours, eating bag after bag of Cheetos, pulling at my eyebrows and wishing I could just be perfect……whoa…that…uh…should have stayed a secret. Moving on...
I just feel sorry for the dude that marries an empty-headed piece of eye candy, only to discover that she became (rather soon) became an empty-headed regurgitated hairball.
One last point about aging—women all experience it differently. Some age very slowly, while others seem to be aging at the rate of 3 years for 1. So, your mother-in-law holds some clue as to how your wife will age. Just take it in stride. The fact is that nature will take its course—for better, for worse.
Now here’s an important caveat: I’m not saying that your wife won’t take better care of herself or isn’t genetically disposed to look at least a little different than her mother. Yes, some women take more genetic cues from their father and his side of the family. But most of us look like our parents as we get older—it’s very highly likely. Each individual can work on themselves and present the best of self possible. But, for example, if you’re mother-in-law is heavy, then your wife is highly likely to have to struggle to not be. She may stay trim, but it won’t be effortless. So, if you are so shallow that you can’t deal with the idea of you bride being heavier than she is today, then you had better meet her mom and see what you’re in for.
Secondary note: This was a very difficult topic to write—lots of ideas to organize. I’m not sure that I have it really finished yet. The first draft of this caused me to become abstinent…
“Dearly Beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony…” Now, LDS temple weddings are not officiated using the traditional wedding vow, but that script does contain one phrase that inspires another truth about dating and marriage for LDS young men. The script goes on to say, “Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse…”
Ah, “for better, for worse”—a willingness to accept the fate that awaits you. A fate that you cannot easily escape once you start down the path of destiny. But the good news for you is that you can manage one particular aspect of fate, or you can at least prepare yourself for its inevitable revelation. You see, you will get older and uglier with time. Most of us reach the pinnacle of our appearance in our early twenties, maybe into our thirties, but after that it’s downhill from there. When we are young, our skin is fresh and supple. Our waistlines are trim. We appear vivacious, full of energy, healthy, and fun. But as you get older, you’ll get fatter (at least a little, maybe a lot). As you age, you’re likely to lose some of your hair. Or at least your hair will move from your head to your back and your ears and nose. That’s not a shock to you and it’s probably something that doesn’t really worry you very much.
But guess what—your beautiful girlfriend or bride will one day get older, too. She won’t lose her hair (probably) but she’ll probably put on a little weight, etc. One day her skin will be a little rougher than it is now, little fine lines and wrinkles may appear. Her hair will shine a little less each year, and she’ll become more of a “mom” and less of the vixen you first met.
The fact that we age and decline is not a fact young men question. It’s not a bad thing either. She won’t be any less attractive because of it. In fact, in many ways you’ll find her more physically attractive over time. You’ll be attracted to her, and not just because she is female, in proximity, and willing. When your 21-25, you’re attracted to just about anything female or easy. As you get older, you’ll discover that you need a partner and not just an object. The good news is that if you choose your wife carefully and thoughtfully, you’ll have a partner you find attractive your whole life through.
But some young grooms delude themselves into believing that their bride-to-be will either never age, or will look like Jennifer Aniston when she’s 40-ish. When she is not looking as hot just a couple years down the road, they become upset and their lust wanes. Dude, she won’t always be 19. That’s highly unlikely (unless you kill and stuff her like a lion shortly after the wedding ceremony, but that’s oftly morbid—think of where that line of thinking will take you...). Just like the short story “A Rose for Emily”—yikes!
Now, I mentioned that you can manage the fate of what your bride will look like as she ages or you can at least prepare yourself for it. How you ask? By learning to accept the highly likely truth that your bride will look more and more like her mother as she ages. And that, my young protégés, is why we started off with “for better, for worse”.
So what does the highly likely truth mean for you? It means that one day you’ll be laying next to your mother-in-law one day (kinda). Are you ok with that? You had better be.
The reason I’m bringing this truth to your attention is this: If you are a male with normal levels of testosterone, then “looks” are a significant consideration in the girls you initially choose to pursue. Because of your testosterone, you’re perfectly willing to overlook many more important traits and characteristics to find that someone that makes you turn your head. You’re not likely to be assessing the single girls who meet by their ability to discuss geopolitics or art (although you should be). Sadly, at this point, you probably don’t care if she is financially prudent. You probably don’t care if she is interested in being a supportive wife. You probably don’t care if she can cook or not. You probably don’t care if she will be a good parent to your spawn. In all reality, you’re a stupid, mindless predator who can’t think much beyond your physical interests. You’re a walking shark!
So, since you are like a shark, we need to teach you to gather some perspective and take the long view. You need to prioritize appearance. There is more to life than just how she looks right now. You certainly want to find a bride who is cute, good looking, etc. You want there to be genuine physical attraction. More importantly, you need to find somebody you respect—intellectually, emotionally, philosophically. It needs to be a balanced choice because if all you do is choose a girl because of her measurements—you’re highly likely to later consider putting a gun to your head as she prattles on endlessly about Spencer and Heidi (unless you’re into “The Hills” type stuff). If you have to explain to your wife that buffalo wings come from chickens, you’re in for a tortuous marriage to a talking blow up doll who spends all of your money.
If you’re lucky like me, you’ll be able to find a bride who is both smart and very good looking. You’ll find lasting dimensions that bond you together and create a whole picture that works. You’ll have a woman that comes together to be better than any individual element. Her good looks will conceal minor character deficiencies; conversely, her smarts or charm will conceal those fine lines gathering near her eyes. By the way, you better damn well hope this is true for you—because if it isn’t, then it’s highly likely she’ll be dumping you as you uglify.
However, if “looks” really is your #1 consideration, you need to factor this in. You need to try to calculate how much the present and future appearance of your bride affects you. If you mother-in-law has cankles, then you’re bride is highly likely to have cankles, too, one day. If your mother-in-law is fit and trim as a mature woman, your bride will likely be trim as a mature woman. If the mother-in-law is large enough to cast a shadow over a small parking lot, then guess what?—so will your girlfriend! If your mother-in-law is a pleasant looking matriarch, then you’re highly likely to be in good fortune.
My paternal genes mean that I am highly likely to have bushy eyebrows. I can’t tell you how often my wife has made some off-hand, unintentional comment about them and I end up in a closet weeping for hours, eating bag after bag of Cheetos, pulling at my eyebrows and wishing I could just be perfect……whoa…that…uh…should have stayed a secret. Moving on...
I just feel sorry for the dude that marries an empty-headed piece of eye candy, only to discover that she became (rather soon) became an empty-headed regurgitated hairball.
One last point about aging—women all experience it differently. Some age very slowly, while others seem to be aging at the rate of 3 years for 1. So, your mother-in-law holds some clue as to how your wife will age. Just take it in stride. The fact is that nature will take its course—for better, for worse.
Now here’s an important caveat: I’m not saying that your wife won’t take better care of herself or isn’t genetically disposed to look at least a little different than her mother. Yes, some women take more genetic cues from their father and his side of the family. But most of us look like our parents as we get older—it’s very highly likely. Each individual can work on themselves and present the best of self possible. But, for example, if you’re mother-in-law is heavy, then your wife is highly likely to have to struggle to not be. She may stay trim, but it won’t be effortless. So, if you are so shallow that you can’t deal with the idea of you bride being heavier than she is today, then you had better meet her mom and see what you’re in for.
Secondary note: This was a very difficult topic to write—lots of ideas to organize. I’m not sure that I have it really finished yet. The first draft of this caused me to become abstinent…
Sunday, May 31, 2009
New Feature--Truth or Rant?
Ok, I have gotten some ideas and suggestions from readers about topics that need to be aired, but perhaps don't fit into the whole "7" concept. Most of them are just short topics or frustrations that just don't make any sense. But that shouldn't keep them from being put out there. Some readers have even asked if they could write one up and have it posted. I'm very fine with that. If you have one that you'd like to see put up here, then send it to me and I'll put it up (I'll even hide your identity if you're too scared to attach your name to it). Heck most of you won't even post a comment (chickens!!!) Send it to ldstruthteller@gmail.com.
So, here's one that I thought we would start with this one: Calling secrecy! Why is that our church culture feels the need to guard up-coming callings a secret? I mean, we Mormons will flat out lie to one another just so that they don't know that we have been asked to accept a calling. You would think that receiving a calling was akin to a temple ceremony...It's a lovely part of our obedience to the commandments or not...Leviticus 6:1-4, "And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, If a soul sin, and commit a trespass against the LORD, and lie unto his neighbour…or hath deceived his neighbour…and lieth concerning it, and sweareth falsely; in any of all these that a man doeth, sinning therein: Then it shall be, because he hath sinned, and is guilty."
I mean who hasn't been in this situation: Your neighbor meets with a bishopric member on Wednesday night. You know that they have some callings to fill as some ward members are moving out. You casually ask, "So, what did they want to meet with you about?" Neighbor says, "Oh nothing." Seems fishy. You counter, "Don't they have a bunch of open callings? Are you getting a calling on Sunday?" Neighbor responds, "Oh no. We were just umm, umm, umm chatting about my kids baptism next...year."
What's the worst that could happen if they told you? Oh no! Somebody knows I'm going to be the CTR 6 primary teacher 2 days before they sustain me in church--aaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! The church isn't true anymore. People know and that means that....I don't know but it can't be good. I don't even know if I should put it in my journal yet!!! Yikes!
Or how about something like this: You're about to be released from a significant leadership calling because you're moving to a different state. You're thinking, boy it would be nice to communicate with the new person before I leave so that I can share some useful information with them. So you ask the bishopric member --who is being called? Most times they will get either a panicked or annoyed face and thenstonewall. They want to say, "I can't tell you because it's a secret" but even they know that sounds stupid. So they say something about "We're still working on it..." or the like. But the thing is the person being called, has been called and accepted. There's no mystery here--Sunday just hasn't happened next.
Really, what difference does it make? How will it hurt anything? I understand the whole thing about not publicizing who was asked and either did not accept or wasn't able to accept for some reason. I don't even have a problem with the bishopric member saying something like, "Hey while it is not a secret, I'd appreciate you keeping this on a need to know basis because..." But I defy someone to explain why we have to keep up-coming callings a temple-like secret.
So, here's one that I thought we would start with this one: Calling secrecy! Why is that our church culture feels the need to guard up-coming callings a secret? I mean, we Mormons will flat out lie to one another just so that they don't know that we have been asked to accept a calling. You would think that receiving a calling was akin to a temple ceremony...It's a lovely part of our obedience to the commandments or not...Leviticus 6:1-4, "And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, If a soul sin, and commit a trespass against the LORD, and lie unto his neighbour…or hath deceived his neighbour…and lieth concerning it, and sweareth falsely; in any of all these that a man doeth, sinning therein: Then it shall be, because he hath sinned, and is guilty."
I mean who hasn't been in this situation: Your neighbor meets with a bishopric member on Wednesday night. You know that they have some callings to fill as some ward members are moving out. You casually ask, "So, what did they want to meet with you about?" Neighbor says, "Oh nothing." Seems fishy. You counter, "Don't they have a bunch of open callings? Are you getting a calling on Sunday?" Neighbor responds, "Oh no. We were just umm, umm, umm chatting about my kids baptism next...year."
What's the worst that could happen if they told you? Oh no! Somebody knows I'm going to be the CTR 6 primary teacher 2 days before they sustain me in church--aaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! The church isn't true anymore. People know and that means that....I don't know but it can't be good. I don't even know if I should put it in my journal yet!!! Yikes!
Or how about something like this: You're about to be released from a significant leadership calling because you're moving to a different state. You're thinking, boy it would be nice to communicate with the new person before I leave so that I can share some useful information with them. So you ask the bishopric member --who is being called? Most times they will get either a panicked or annoyed face and thenstonewall. They want to say, "I can't tell you because it's a secret" but even they know that sounds stupid. So they say something about "We're still working on it..." or the like. But the thing is the person being called, has been called and accepted. There's no mystery here--Sunday just hasn't happened next.
Really, what difference does it make? How will it hurt anything? I understand the whole thing about not publicizing who was asked and either did not accept or wasn't able to accept for some reason. I don't even have a problem with the bishopric member saying something like, "Hey while it is not a secret, I'd appreciate you keeping this on a need to know basis because..." But I defy someone to explain why we have to keep up-coming callings a temple-like secret.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Truth #2 for YM about dating and marriage
No, you didn’t meet in heaven before you came to Earth…
Today we're going to help you do a little reality check before you propose to that girl that you've been dating for the last 3 weeks. Let's see if you are seeing things clearly...
She’s sweet. She is a pretty young woman. She is a righteous Latter Day Saint and wants what you want: to get married and start a family. But it’s even better than that. She is fun, she likes your jokes and thinks that the stupid handshake thing you do with your roommates is funny. She kisses you every time she see’s you and kisses you as much as you want. When it’s time to go watch a movie, you want to watch the same one-it’s like she’s the other half of your brain!
It’s incredible. You like the same music. TV watching is a breeze because you both love the same shows (Survivor, American Idol, and House!). As you talk about the future you find out that you both want the same number of kids. You both want to have 5 kids and name the first girl Khaylee Mackenzie (you even agree on the spelling!!!! OMG). There’s no way this is just good luck—it’s like it is destiny or fate. It's like she was created just for you and that you've just been passing time until you found her. It’s like you met her before you came to Earth—cue the Saturday’s Warrior soundtrack.
Well guess what? Dumb luck has smiled on you. I don’t know exactly what happened in the pre-existence, but I think that it’s highly unlikely that you met in heaven in the pre-existence, fell in love, then both came to Earth at the relative same time, were born in the same part of the world and ended up in circumstances that allowed you to meet and fall in love (again). Actually, I do know what happened in the pre-existence and we weren't on the pre-mortality dating circuit (I'll fill you in on the pre-existence on another day).
The highly likely truth is that there is no such thing as "one and only" true loves. The fact is that there are thousands of girls that you can be happily married to and many, if not most, of them will develop into a soul mate whom you feel like you couldn't live without. There is no destiny, no fate, no "remember to look for me when we get to earth" storylines.
I have to admit I can't wait for the responses to this one--nothing stirs the anger of the XX chromosome like attacking romantic love and destiny, etc. "What do you mean? Don't you love your wife?!?! I KNOW I was supposed to marrying Bob..."
First young man, let's look at the circumstances of your current relationship. Remember, you met her in that science lab—the Tuesday-Thursday science lab that you ended up registering for only because you couldn’t take a Monday-Wednesday afternoon lab because it interferred with you video game schedule. Sorry, but the Holy Ghost did not prompt to play Halo on your XBox to arrange this chance encounter. Enough of the sarcasm. The great girl you met 3 weeks ago probably isn’t your predestined, eternal soulmate. You shouldn’t go ahead and propose to her next weekend and get married in two months during the Christmas break.
Why are you so anxious to pair up? Why does your heart seem to scream “She’s the one!” Well, let’s review the obvious. You just spent two years telling anyone who would listen to you that having an eternal family is the ultimate source of joy, so you want to get married. She wants to get married. You’re probably between the ages of 21-25 and a virgin and that means you want to have sex. She is cute. As a good LDS, you can’t have sex without marriage. She seems like she is totally into you. You want to have sex. And it’s going so well. Did I mention that you have want to do the thing that makes babies?
I can’t wrap my head around eternity. But I can tell you what ten years is like and I can guess what 60-70 years is like. And while after 5 dates in the span of 9 days everything seems perfect and like she is everything you’ve been dreaming of, it’s not enough to know how it’s going to go for the long haul. And she doesn't know how you really act when you're not trying to impress her. Heck, you probably don’t even know how she handles her menstrual cycle. You need time to figure out whether you like each other when you're each on your not-so-good behavior. You need to know if you can sit together and not talk (or kiss) and be comfortable around one another. You need to see if you like being with one another after you run out of good date ideas. You need to see if you still want to be with her after you find out that the one hottie in your singles ward is now available and wants to go out with you. Take your time.
Last but not least, let's dispel the most controversial not-highly-likely truth related to this subject. Just because you get a good feeling when you prayed about marrying this girl, don't get the dumb idea that she is "THE ONE". The highly likely truth is that there is no such thing as "one and only" true loves and that means that when Heavenly Father gives you the green light after prayer all he is saying is that "Yes, this would be ok with me" (try saying that in a deep, steady voice--it actually works). We'll expand this topic one day but remember Heavenly Father doesn't only have a vocabulary limited to "yes" and no-answer (he's deity for Pete's sake!). So, she is not the one you have to marry. You simply can marry her. And she may very well be the one you ought to marry, but that doesn't mean that you have to do it right away, you know.
What you need to keep in mind is, happy hunting, take your time, and if the courtship doesn't make it to the temple doors, don't lose heart. She wasn't "THE ONE".
Today we're going to help you do a little reality check before you propose to that girl that you've been dating for the last 3 weeks. Let's see if you are seeing things clearly...
She’s sweet. She is a pretty young woman. She is a righteous Latter Day Saint and wants what you want: to get married and start a family. But it’s even better than that. She is fun, she likes your jokes and thinks that the stupid handshake thing you do with your roommates is funny. She kisses you every time she see’s you and kisses you as much as you want. When it’s time to go watch a movie, you want to watch the same one-it’s like she’s the other half of your brain!
It’s incredible. You like the same music. TV watching is a breeze because you both love the same shows (Survivor, American Idol, and House!). As you talk about the future you find out that you both want the same number of kids. You both want to have 5 kids and name the first girl Khaylee Mackenzie (you even agree on the spelling!!!! OMG). There’s no way this is just good luck—it’s like it is destiny or fate. It's like she was created just for you and that you've just been passing time until you found her. It’s like you met her before you came to Earth—cue the Saturday’s Warrior soundtrack.
Well guess what? Dumb luck has smiled on you. I don’t know exactly what happened in the pre-existence, but I think that it’s highly unlikely that you met in heaven in the pre-existence, fell in love, then both came to Earth at the relative same time, were born in the same part of the world and ended up in circumstances that allowed you to meet and fall in love (again). Actually, I do know what happened in the pre-existence and we weren't on the pre-mortality dating circuit (I'll fill you in on the pre-existence on another day).
The highly likely truth is that there is no such thing as "one and only" true loves. The fact is that there are thousands of girls that you can be happily married to and many, if not most, of them will develop into a soul mate whom you feel like you couldn't live without. There is no destiny, no fate, no "remember to look for me when we get to earth" storylines.
I have to admit I can't wait for the responses to this one--nothing stirs the anger of the XX chromosome like attacking romantic love and destiny, etc. "What do you mean? Don't you love your wife?!?! I KNOW I was supposed to marrying Bob..."
First young man, let's look at the circumstances of your current relationship. Remember, you met her in that science lab—the Tuesday-Thursday science lab that you ended up registering for only because you couldn’t take a Monday-Wednesday afternoon lab because it interferred with you video game schedule. Sorry, but the Holy Ghost did not prompt to play Halo on your XBox to arrange this chance encounter. Enough of the sarcasm. The great girl you met 3 weeks ago probably isn’t your predestined, eternal soulmate. You shouldn’t go ahead and propose to her next weekend and get married in two months during the Christmas break.
Why are you so anxious to pair up? Why does your heart seem to scream “She’s the one!” Well, let’s review the obvious. You just spent two years telling anyone who would listen to you that having an eternal family is the ultimate source of joy, so you want to get married. She wants to get married. You’re probably between the ages of 21-25 and a virgin and that means you want to have sex. She is cute. As a good LDS, you can’t have sex without marriage. She seems like she is totally into you. You want to have sex. And it’s going so well. Did I mention that you have want to do the thing that makes babies?
I can’t wrap my head around eternity. But I can tell you what ten years is like and I can guess what 60-70 years is like. And while after 5 dates in the span of 9 days everything seems perfect and like she is everything you’ve been dreaming of, it’s not enough to know how it’s going to go for the long haul. And she doesn't know how you really act when you're not trying to impress her. Heck, you probably don’t even know how she handles her menstrual cycle. You need time to figure out whether you like each other when you're each on your not-so-good behavior. You need to know if you can sit together and not talk (or kiss) and be comfortable around one another. You need to see if you like being with one another after you run out of good date ideas. You need to see if you still want to be with her after you find out that the one hottie in your singles ward is now available and wants to go out with you. Take your time.
Last but not least, let's dispel the most controversial not-highly-likely truth related to this subject. Just because you get a good feeling when you prayed about marrying this girl, don't get the dumb idea that she is "THE ONE". The highly likely truth is that there is no such thing as "one and only" true loves and that means that when Heavenly Father gives you the green light after prayer all he is saying is that "Yes, this would be ok with me" (try saying that in a deep, steady voice--it actually works). We'll expand this topic one day but remember Heavenly Father doesn't only have a vocabulary limited to "yes" and no-answer (he's deity for Pete's sake!). So, she is not the one you have to marry. You simply can marry her. And she may very well be the one you ought to marry, but that doesn't mean that you have to do it right away, you know.
What you need to keep in mind is, happy hunting, take your time, and if the courtship doesn't make it to the temple doors, don't lose heart. She wasn't "THE ONE".
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Truth #1 for YW about dating and marriage
He’s like a silly, faithful puppy
There’s a reason that they often refer to as young people dating as puppy love. It’s cute and innocent and sweet. It’s fun to imagine and think about. Old people reminisce about the days when they were young. Your first crush holds a special place in most people’s memories. Just like a puppy. Puppies are cute and sweet and they just seem like so much fun. We all remember our first puppy. When you play with a puppy, they just can’t seem to get enough of you. They make you happy. You see where I am going with this, don’t you?
The sad fact is that the 18 to 19 year old boy you’re dating is a puppy. He’s not the “man of your dreams”. He’s not close to becoming a man (even if he does have to shave every day). He’s not even useful like a steer, mule, or horse. He can barely afford to pay for his gas and take you places. But on the bright side, he is a bouncing puppy dog. And puppies are cute and fun!
But before you decide that this is the puppy that you want to keep forever, let’s keep a few things in mind. The boy you are dating now is just a puppy. He has the emotional and physical maturity of a puppy. He thinks of little more than eating, playing with toys, sleeping, and licking and kissing girl puppies (c’mon, this is a family friendly blog…). He even bounces around like a puppy when he is around you.
And while he is cute in his own way, let’s not confuse him with Brad Pitt. Just like a puppy is cute because of his oversized paws and big floppy ears, your boyfriend is likely to be a little pimply, a little pencil-neck like. He probably has big oversized paws, too.
Now this puppy really likes you (even when he pretends not to—that’s part of playing that he’s so into). Like the puppy in the window at the pet store that is sure that every passerby is going to stop and take him home, your puppy has the same sort of stupid, ignorant faith in a warm smile.
And like a cuuute little puuupppy (insert image of you cuddling a little pooch), you love him very much and want to see him bounce around and wag his tail ferociously. You notice the more you stroke his head and pay attention to him, he wags his tail even more. Encouraged by this, you want to seal that bond by letting him know that you’ll take good care of him and make him happy. So, you might say something like, “I love you and I’ll wait for you to come back from your mission.”
Now that’s just mean—see Truth #1 for Young Men. He thinks that you’re going to wait for him. He’s a puppy, so he doesn’t know any better. You might figure, “this dumb little puppy is going to grow up one day and figure it out, isn’t he?” Unfortunately, he probably won’t.
Now, you aren’t obligated to wait for him. You can dump him. In many ways, it might be the best thing that you could do for him. First, he ought to be concentrating on what he’s doing (serving a mission hopefully); second, you need to go through at least one or two relationships before you get married. You’re probably his first steady girlfriend, so you’re going to help him go through the process.
Dumping him is good for you, too. We’ll discuss this in detail in later chapters, but you’re going to trade up to something better and you need a little time to refine and prepare, too. The good news for you is that the men you will choose from will have forgotten about being a puppy (and their experience of being dropped off at the pound by a girlfriend). In fact, they are eager to reap a revenge of sorts and marry someone just like you as soon as they can.
So, play with your puppy. Enjoy your puppy now because he won’t always be a cute, weird little fur ball. Don’t make him think you’re going to take him home from the pet store. And look forward to the day when you’ll find something worth keeping.
There’s a reason that they often refer to as young people dating as puppy love. It’s cute and innocent and sweet. It’s fun to imagine and think about. Old people reminisce about the days when they were young. Your first crush holds a special place in most people’s memories. Just like a puppy. Puppies are cute and sweet and they just seem like so much fun. We all remember our first puppy. When you play with a puppy, they just can’t seem to get enough of you. They make you happy. You see where I am going with this, don’t you?
The sad fact is that the 18 to 19 year old boy you’re dating is a puppy. He’s not the “man of your dreams”. He’s not close to becoming a man (even if he does have to shave every day). He’s not even useful like a steer, mule, or horse. He can barely afford to pay for his gas and take you places. But on the bright side, he is a bouncing puppy dog. And puppies are cute and fun!
But before you decide that this is the puppy that you want to keep forever, let’s keep a few things in mind. The boy you are dating now is just a puppy. He has the emotional and physical maturity of a puppy. He thinks of little more than eating, playing with toys, sleeping, and licking and kissing girl puppies (c’mon, this is a family friendly blog…). He even bounces around like a puppy when he is around you.
And while he is cute in his own way, let’s not confuse him with Brad Pitt. Just like a puppy is cute because of his oversized paws and big floppy ears, your boyfriend is likely to be a little pimply, a little pencil-neck like. He probably has big oversized paws, too.
Now this puppy really likes you (even when he pretends not to—that’s part of playing that he’s so into). Like the puppy in the window at the pet store that is sure that every passerby is going to stop and take him home, your puppy has the same sort of stupid, ignorant faith in a warm smile.
And like a cuuute little puuupppy (insert image of you cuddling a little pooch), you love him very much and want to see him bounce around and wag his tail ferociously. You notice the more you stroke his head and pay attention to him, he wags his tail even more. Encouraged by this, you want to seal that bond by letting him know that you’ll take good care of him and make him happy. So, you might say something like, “I love you and I’ll wait for you to come back from your mission.”
Now that’s just mean—see Truth #1 for Young Men. He thinks that you’re going to wait for him. He’s a puppy, so he doesn’t know any better. You might figure, “this dumb little puppy is going to grow up one day and figure it out, isn’t he?” Unfortunately, he probably won’t.
Now, you aren’t obligated to wait for him. You can dump him. In many ways, it might be the best thing that you could do for him. First, he ought to be concentrating on what he’s doing (serving a mission hopefully); second, you need to go through at least one or two relationships before you get married. You’re probably his first steady girlfriend, so you’re going to help him go through the process.
Dumping him is good for you, too. We’ll discuss this in detail in later chapters, but you’re going to trade up to something better and you need a little time to refine and prepare, too. The good news for you is that the men you will choose from will have forgotten about being a puppy (and their experience of being dropped off at the pound by a girlfriend). In fact, they are eager to reap a revenge of sorts and marry someone just like you as soon as they can.
So, play with your puppy. Enjoy your puppy now because he won’t always be a cute, weird little fur ball. Don’t make him think you’re going to take him home from the pet store. And look forward to the day when you’ll find something worth keeping.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Truth #1 for YM about dating and marriage
She won’t wait for you; She won’t wait for him either
It’s such a timeless scene. The young, fresh faced 19 year old young man arrives at the airport ready to fly to the Missionary Training Center. He has been recently set apart as a missionary and is ready to take on the world. His parents, primary teachers, and young men’s leaders have prepared him for this day. He is ready to convert the world and bring salvation to Guatemala (or wherever he’s going).
As he makes his goodbyes to family and friends, he turns to his sweetheart and gives her the “handshake”. This handshake is unlike any other handshake that he has exchanged before. It lingers longer, its firmness is matched an intense tenderness. And while he longs to put his arms around her for one last embrace, he refrains and obeys the mission rules. He loves her (or so he thinks) and wants to be with her. He leaves her because he loves her and because she has declared that she will only marry an RM.
How does he manage this? How can he leave her? How can he resist putting his arms around her and kissing her one more time? He can do all of these things because of a promise: “I will wait for you”.
This is one of the most likely truths that young LDS men discover in dating and marriage—No, she probably won’t wait for you. Actually, let me put the highly likely truth right out there: She will NOT wait for you. I know what you’re thinking, “But she’s different!” Let my little green friend Yoda tell you: “Wait for you, she will not.”
The list of young men who have been Dear John’d is long and distinguished. It continues to grow each year. No matter how many times she tells you she loves you and awaits your return, no matter how many care packages she sends, no matter how often she writes you, she won’t make it.
The sad or frustrating thing about it is that she means it when she says it. Really, she is being sincere and wants to wait for you, but like an alcoholic let loose at a free Octoberfest celebration, she will fall off the wagon. Of course, you’ll find the occasional exception to this rule. But remember, my son, the title of this book isn’t 7 totally infallible truths; it’s 7 highly likely truths. So while your maternal grandfather and grandmother waited for each other, it probably ain’t going to happen for you. But don’t lose heart. It’s really not your fault.
Think of the environment she’s living in. She’s preparing herself to become a wife and mother. Over 250 times on Sunday at Young Women’s meetings (6 years * 40-some weeks of regular church meetings) she has recited the Young Women’s values which includes: "We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values, we will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation." Said another way: “I am preparing to be a wife and mother—it’s my purpose in life.”
Her sisters, friends, and roommates are meeting RMs and getting married. She’s attending wedding showers and baby showers—she seeing the attention that those girls are getting right now. At best your offer is at least 24 months away; add in a possible wait of 1-9 months to proposal, and another 1-5 months to marriage and you are talking about 3 years from now. That’s an eternity to a young women (or young man for that matter). That’s like putting a meat snack on the floor and asking your bouncing puppy not to eat it all weekend long. Do you blame the puppy for eating it up?!?!?!? Of course not!
And in thinking about marrying you one day, she’s thinking about marriage in general and how much she wants that in her life. So your plans and intentions are contributing to your own downfall. It’s like a Greek tragedy and you're Oedipus (but in this case you’re not killing your father and marrying your mother).
So the best advice that we can give to you is to accept the highly likely truth. You can keep your girlfriend or you can dump her—just don’t lose your heart and mind to the delusion that you’ll be marrying her one day. If you can just accept that, you’ll be able to focus better on your mission and have a better opinion of women in general.
But here’s the good news buddy—when you get home you’ll be the guy who is convincing the lady of your choice that she shouldn’t wait for her missionary. It doesn’t take much for you to remove the other guy from her daily thoughts. The best way to succeed is to ask her out a bunch. Between her normal routine of either going to school or working (or both), she’ll now have to think about what to wear on those dates, and whether or not you’ll be a good kisser, and if you’re sufficiently similar to her dad, and telling her friends about her new boyfriend, etc. that she won’t have time to write to or think the other sap 6,189 miles away. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel! From what I’ve heard, the ones who are waiting are almost the easiest ones to snatch up. So, just be patient until you get home and then, “Happy Hunting!”
It’s such a timeless scene. The young, fresh faced 19 year old young man arrives at the airport ready to fly to the Missionary Training Center. He has been recently set apart as a missionary and is ready to take on the world. His parents, primary teachers, and young men’s leaders have prepared him for this day. He is ready to convert the world and bring salvation to Guatemala (or wherever he’s going).
As he makes his goodbyes to family and friends, he turns to his sweetheart and gives her the “handshake”. This handshake is unlike any other handshake that he has exchanged before. It lingers longer, its firmness is matched an intense tenderness. And while he longs to put his arms around her for one last embrace, he refrains and obeys the mission rules. He loves her (or so he thinks) and wants to be with her. He leaves her because he loves her and because she has declared that she will only marry an RM.
How does he manage this? How can he leave her? How can he resist putting his arms around her and kissing her one more time? He can do all of these things because of a promise: “I will wait for you”.
This is one of the most likely truths that young LDS men discover in dating and marriage—No, she probably won’t wait for you. Actually, let me put the highly likely truth right out there: She will NOT wait for you. I know what you’re thinking, “But she’s different!” Let my little green friend Yoda tell you: “Wait for you, she will not.”
The list of young men who have been Dear John’d is long and distinguished. It continues to grow each year. No matter how many times she tells you she loves you and awaits your return, no matter how many care packages she sends, no matter how often she writes you, she won’t make it.
The sad or frustrating thing about it is that she means it when she says it. Really, she is being sincere and wants to wait for you, but like an alcoholic let loose at a free Octoberfest celebration, she will fall off the wagon. Of course, you’ll find the occasional exception to this rule. But remember, my son, the title of this book isn’t 7 totally infallible truths; it’s 7 highly likely truths. So while your maternal grandfather and grandmother waited for each other, it probably ain’t going to happen for you. But don’t lose heart. It’s really not your fault.
Think of the environment she’s living in. She’s preparing herself to become a wife and mother. Over 250 times on Sunday at Young Women’s meetings (6 years * 40-some weeks of regular church meetings) she has recited the Young Women’s values which includes: "We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values, we will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation." Said another way: “I am preparing to be a wife and mother—it’s my purpose in life.”
Her sisters, friends, and roommates are meeting RMs and getting married. She’s attending wedding showers and baby showers—she seeing the attention that those girls are getting right now. At best your offer is at least 24 months away; add in a possible wait of 1-9 months to proposal, and another 1-5 months to marriage and you are talking about 3 years from now. That’s an eternity to a young women (or young man for that matter). That’s like putting a meat snack on the floor and asking your bouncing puppy not to eat it all weekend long. Do you blame the puppy for eating it up?!?!?!? Of course not!
And in thinking about marrying you one day, she’s thinking about marriage in general and how much she wants that in her life. So your plans and intentions are contributing to your own downfall. It’s like a Greek tragedy and you're Oedipus (but in this case you’re not killing your father and marrying your mother).
So the best advice that we can give to you is to accept the highly likely truth. You can keep your girlfriend or you can dump her—just don’t lose your heart and mind to the delusion that you’ll be marrying her one day. If you can just accept that, you’ll be able to focus better on your mission and have a better opinion of women in general.
But here’s the good news buddy—when you get home you’ll be the guy who is convincing the lady of your choice that she shouldn’t wait for her missionary. It doesn’t take much for you to remove the other guy from her daily thoughts. The best way to succeed is to ask her out a bunch. Between her normal routine of either going to school or working (or both), she’ll now have to think about what to wear on those dates, and whether or not you’ll be a good kisser, and if you’re sufficiently similar to her dad, and telling her friends about her new boyfriend, etc. that she won’t have time to write to or think the other sap 6,189 miles away. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel! From what I’ve heard, the ones who are waiting are almost the easiest ones to snatch up. So, just be patient until you get home and then, “Happy Hunting!”
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