He’s not Mr. Potato Head
You really think your boyfriend is soooo hot. He dresses way cool. He’s his own person and doesn’t worry about impressing others or fitting into the crowd. He’s a little rough around the edges. But that’s part of his charm. Sure, he’s not exactly what Mom was hoping that you’d bring home but he makes you happy. Plus you know that he’ll grow up some day and that you can make him into the man you want him to be. Stop right there.
One of the not highly likely truths that too many women believe going into marriage is that their husband-to-be is Mr. Potato Head. They think that he is a series of interchangeable parts that can be rearranged to make a perfect husband. At any given time you can pop off the smart-alecky mouth and pop on a pair of sugary lips that spills out sweet nothings instead of curse words. They think he’s something that they can makeover. But the highly likely truth is that your husband/fiancé is about as changeable as a slinky (a slinky can be bent and ruined but not improved upon).
The fact is that it doesn’t matter how smart or cute or demanding that you might be—he’s not going to change, or at least he’s not going to change the way that you want. Now that’s not to say that he can’t change—but it has to be on his terms. You can’t change him. If he wears shorts and an old t-shirts on your dates (or to wedding receptions of your friends), then he’s going to dress like a slob when you’re married. If he doesn’t say he loves you often, then you’ll have to learn to live without it. If you don’t like the fact that he passes gas when you’re trying to cuddle—I got bad news for you, that’s not going to change (unfortunately it may get worse). If he doesn’t like to “talk” after you have a fight, then it ain’t going to improve later. If he channels surfs now, he’s not going to hand over the remote when you’re husband and wife. Get the picture?
Sadly, some of your friends or older sister or aunt perhaps have thought that they could change their husbands. They figured they would sweet talk him and subliminally change him. Others figured that they would sit-down and have a heart-to-heart to tell him what a bunch of bad habits he has and how that makes her feel because feelings are important and she believes that he’s going to see the light and make changes because of course he loves her and feelings are important to him, too (right?) and so he must care about her feelings and how could this possibly go wrong?!?!? (Every which way). Maybe the way to change him is to withhold sex until he gets the hint that you’re not happy about A,B, or C.
You know what that those approaches accomplished? They earned her a new title or nickname. It isn’t Sweetie Pie or, Wise One, or The Right One, Master, Rabbi, Guru, etc. Nope, the new title was NAG (or Ice Queen if you employ the withhold technique). It may actually become, “she’s a big fat, domineering, complaining, whining, manipulative NAAAAAGGGG. This is not a good thing. You don’t want that.
So what can you do? Well, the obvious action, of course, is to try to date men that are pretty close to what you eventually want in a partner. Yes, the” bad boy” can be fun, but he’s like a highly fattening dessert—something to be sampled early and later eschewed as you age.
You need to have a little perspective—your destiny in life is tied to this guy. You’re highly likely to depend on him to be the primary breadwinner. While you don’t mind that your current boyfriend can only afford to take you to Olive Garden for a special date because he can’t keep a steady job, that ain’t going to be as much fun when you’re 35. You don’t want to have to sell your plasma for $50 a week just because you’re bad boy can’t be bothered to stop playing video games. You can’t change him. If you marry a loser, you’re stuck with one. You can’t make him smarter, or kinder, or whatever. You might get lucky and he’ll evolve on his own. But do you want to bank on that?
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Rant #2
Was that Sam L Hutchinson?
Ok, this one may not have a lot of depth to it, but it's one of the oddest Mormon culture things I have come across. What is with our terribly weird fascination with middle initials (or first initials)? What you say? What do I mean?
I mean try saying out loud the name of any modern prophet, apostle, or even most general authorities. Did you say a single one with out saying the middle or first initial? Thomas S Monson, Gordon B Hinckley, Boyd K Packer, Henry B Eyring, even Dieter F Uchtdorf. Now try saying these names without the initial. Give these a try: Harold * Lee, Bruce * McConkie, * Tom Perry...Feel a little odd coming off the tongue? Yep, welcome to Initialville!
It's odd because we don't do that in regular life. EVER. Do you do that at work? Do you tell your co-worker, "Hey the general manager, you know, Phillip C Donalson, is coming by to visit tomorrow." Talk about weirdo speak. Do you ever sign your emails or letters with your middle initials? Do you ever use middle initials with political figures, with comments like, "Hey President Ronald W Reagan and President Bill J Clinton both had a lot of charisma..." Never-ever except in rare cases and then we usually invoke all initials (FDR, JFK, etc).
For a second reason, it's odd because how many Tommy Monson's, or Gordo Hinckley's, or Dieter Uchtdorf's do you know? And of all those, how many do you know have been called to church leadership positions? Exactly. I know there was Joseph F Smith and Joseph Fielding Smith but come on! I know that if you get into genealogy you'll occasionally find that your ancestors sometimes suffered from bouts of lack of creativity when it came to naming children. But it's not a regular issue of confusion of persons.
I believe that the real reason we do the initial thing is to make mere men called to church leadership seem more important, to seem to have a larger stature than the common parishiner, but do we really need that? We need to invest in pride? I can accept having a prophet named Hank just as well as I can accept one named Adam or Peter, or John. Will I listen to counsel because Howard W Hunter said it instead of Howard Hunter? I think not.
What's funny is that it is pervasive. Turn on KBYU. Look at any broadcast program there. If you have cable or satelite you can read the program description which read like this, "BYU Family Expo: Greg R Nobody discusses family dynamics using scriptures..." Greg is an accountant from Provo who is also a counselor in the local stake presidency. But who gives a care? How many folks were hoping that see Greg L Nobody? Whew! Thank goodness we saved them from showing up to the wrong fireside!
Am I crazy for thinking that our persisten, reverential use of the middle initials of church leaders is just a little weird?
Ok, this one may not have a lot of depth to it, but it's one of the oddest Mormon culture things I have come across. What is with our terribly weird fascination with middle initials (or first initials)? What you say? What do I mean?
I mean try saying out loud the name of any modern prophet, apostle, or even most general authorities. Did you say a single one with out saying the middle or first initial? Thomas S Monson, Gordon B Hinckley, Boyd K Packer, Henry B Eyring, even Dieter F Uchtdorf. Now try saying these names without the initial. Give these a try: Harold * Lee, Bruce * McConkie, * Tom Perry...Feel a little odd coming off the tongue? Yep, welcome to Initialville!
It's odd because we don't do that in regular life. EVER. Do you do that at work? Do you tell your co-worker, "Hey the general manager, you know, Phillip C Donalson, is coming by to visit tomorrow." Talk about weirdo speak. Do you ever sign your emails or letters with your middle initials? Do you ever use middle initials with political figures, with comments like, "Hey President Ronald W Reagan and President Bill J Clinton both had a lot of charisma..." Never-ever except in rare cases and then we usually invoke all initials (FDR, JFK, etc).
For a second reason, it's odd because how many Tommy Monson's, or Gordo Hinckley's, or Dieter Uchtdorf's do you know? And of all those, how many do you know have been called to church leadership positions? Exactly. I know there was Joseph F Smith and Joseph Fielding Smith but come on! I know that if you get into genealogy you'll occasionally find that your ancestors sometimes suffered from bouts of lack of creativity when it came to naming children. But it's not a regular issue of confusion of persons.
I believe that the real reason we do the initial thing is to make mere men called to church leadership seem more important, to seem to have a larger stature than the common parishiner, but do we really need that? We need to invest in pride? I can accept having a prophet named Hank just as well as I can accept one named Adam or Peter, or John. Will I listen to counsel because Howard W Hunter said it instead of Howard Hunter? I think not.
What's funny is that it is pervasive. Turn on KBYU. Look at any broadcast program there. If you have cable or satelite you can read the program description which read like this, "BYU Family Expo: Greg R Nobody discusses family dynamics using scriptures..." Greg is an accountant from Provo who is also a counselor in the local stake presidency. But who gives a care? How many folks were hoping that see Greg L Nobody? Whew! Thank goodness we saved them from showing up to the wrong fireside!
Am I crazy for thinking that our persisten, reverential use of the middle initials of church leaders is just a little weird?
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Truth #3 about marriage and dating for YM
For better, for worse
“Dearly Beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony…” Now, LDS temple weddings are not officiated using the traditional wedding vow, but that script does contain one phrase that inspires another truth about dating and marriage for LDS young men. The script goes on to say, “Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse…”
Ah, “for better, for worse”—a willingness to accept the fate that awaits you. A fate that you cannot easily escape once you start down the path of destiny. But the good news for you is that you can manage one particular aspect of fate, or you can at least prepare yourself for its inevitable revelation. You see, you will get older and uglier with time. Most of us reach the pinnacle of our appearance in our early twenties, maybe into our thirties, but after that it’s downhill from there. When we are young, our skin is fresh and supple. Our waistlines are trim. We appear vivacious, full of energy, healthy, and fun. But as you get older, you’ll get fatter (at least a little, maybe a lot). As you age, you’re likely to lose some of your hair. Or at least your hair will move from your head to your back and your ears and nose. That’s not a shock to you and it’s probably something that doesn’t really worry you very much.
But guess what—your beautiful girlfriend or bride will one day get older, too. She won’t lose her hair (probably) but she’ll probably put on a little weight, etc. One day her skin will be a little rougher than it is now, little fine lines and wrinkles may appear. Her hair will shine a little less each year, and she’ll become more of a “mom” and less of the vixen you first met.
The fact that we age and decline is not a fact young men question. It’s not a bad thing either. She won’t be any less attractive because of it. In fact, in many ways you’ll find her more physically attractive over time. You’ll be attracted to her, and not just because she is female, in proximity, and willing. When your 21-25, you’re attracted to just about anything female or easy. As you get older, you’ll discover that you need a partner and not just an object. The good news is that if you choose your wife carefully and thoughtfully, you’ll have a partner you find attractive your whole life through.
But some young grooms delude themselves into believing that their bride-to-be will either never age, or will look like Jennifer Aniston when she’s 40-ish. When she is not looking as hot just a couple years down the road, they become upset and their lust wanes. Dude, she won’t always be 19. That’s highly unlikely (unless you kill and stuff her like a lion shortly after the wedding ceremony, but that’s oftly morbid—think of where that line of thinking will take you...). Just like the short story “A Rose for Emily”—yikes!
Now, I mentioned that you can manage the fate of what your bride will look like as she ages or you can at least prepare yourself for it. How you ask? By learning to accept the highly likely truth that your bride will look more and more like her mother as she ages. And that, my young protégés, is why we started off with “for better, for worse”.
So what does the highly likely truth mean for you? It means that one day you’ll be laying next to your mother-in-law one day (kinda). Are you ok with that? You had better be.
The reason I’m bringing this truth to your attention is this: If you are a male with normal levels of testosterone, then “looks” are a significant consideration in the girls you initially choose to pursue. Because of your testosterone, you’re perfectly willing to overlook many more important traits and characteristics to find that someone that makes you turn your head. You’re not likely to be assessing the single girls who meet by their ability to discuss geopolitics or art (although you should be). Sadly, at this point, you probably don’t care if she is financially prudent. You probably don’t care if she is interested in being a supportive wife. You probably don’t care if she can cook or not. You probably don’t care if she will be a good parent to your spawn. In all reality, you’re a stupid, mindless predator who can’t think much beyond your physical interests. You’re a walking shark!
So, since you are like a shark, we need to teach you to gather some perspective and take the long view. You need to prioritize appearance. There is more to life than just how she looks right now. You certainly want to find a bride who is cute, good looking, etc. You want there to be genuine physical attraction. More importantly, you need to find somebody you respect—intellectually, emotionally, philosophically. It needs to be a balanced choice because if all you do is choose a girl because of her measurements—you’re highly likely to later consider putting a gun to your head as she prattles on endlessly about Spencer and Heidi (unless you’re into “The Hills” type stuff). If you have to explain to your wife that buffalo wings come from chickens, you’re in for a tortuous marriage to a talking blow up doll who spends all of your money.
If you’re lucky like me, you’ll be able to find a bride who is both smart and very good looking. You’ll find lasting dimensions that bond you together and create a whole picture that works. You’ll have a woman that comes together to be better than any individual element. Her good looks will conceal minor character deficiencies; conversely, her smarts or charm will conceal those fine lines gathering near her eyes. By the way, you better damn well hope this is true for you—because if it isn’t, then it’s highly likely she’ll be dumping you as you uglify.
However, if “looks” really is your #1 consideration, you need to factor this in. You need to try to calculate how much the present and future appearance of your bride affects you. If you mother-in-law has cankles, then you’re bride is highly likely to have cankles, too, one day. If your mother-in-law is fit and trim as a mature woman, your bride will likely be trim as a mature woman. If the mother-in-law is large enough to cast a shadow over a small parking lot, then guess what?—so will your girlfriend! If your mother-in-law is a pleasant looking matriarch, then you’re highly likely to be in good fortune.
My paternal genes mean that I am highly likely to have bushy eyebrows. I can’t tell you how often my wife has made some off-hand, unintentional comment about them and I end up in a closet weeping for hours, eating bag after bag of Cheetos, pulling at my eyebrows and wishing I could just be perfect……whoa…that…uh…should have stayed a secret. Moving on...
I just feel sorry for the dude that marries an empty-headed piece of eye candy, only to discover that she became (rather soon) became an empty-headed regurgitated hairball.
One last point about aging—women all experience it differently. Some age very slowly, while others seem to be aging at the rate of 3 years for 1. So, your mother-in-law holds some clue as to how your wife will age. Just take it in stride. The fact is that nature will take its course—for better, for worse.
Now here’s an important caveat: I’m not saying that your wife won’t take better care of herself or isn’t genetically disposed to look at least a little different than her mother. Yes, some women take more genetic cues from their father and his side of the family. But most of us look like our parents as we get older—it’s very highly likely. Each individual can work on themselves and present the best of self possible. But, for example, if you’re mother-in-law is heavy, then your wife is highly likely to have to struggle to not be. She may stay trim, but it won’t be effortless. So, if you are so shallow that you can’t deal with the idea of you bride being heavier than she is today, then you had better meet her mom and see what you’re in for.
Secondary note: This was a very difficult topic to write—lots of ideas to organize. I’m not sure that I have it really finished yet. The first draft of this caused me to become abstinent…
“Dearly Beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony…” Now, LDS temple weddings are not officiated using the traditional wedding vow, but that script does contain one phrase that inspires another truth about dating and marriage for LDS young men. The script goes on to say, “Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse…”
Ah, “for better, for worse”—a willingness to accept the fate that awaits you. A fate that you cannot easily escape once you start down the path of destiny. But the good news for you is that you can manage one particular aspect of fate, or you can at least prepare yourself for its inevitable revelation. You see, you will get older and uglier with time. Most of us reach the pinnacle of our appearance in our early twenties, maybe into our thirties, but after that it’s downhill from there. When we are young, our skin is fresh and supple. Our waistlines are trim. We appear vivacious, full of energy, healthy, and fun. But as you get older, you’ll get fatter (at least a little, maybe a lot). As you age, you’re likely to lose some of your hair. Or at least your hair will move from your head to your back and your ears and nose. That’s not a shock to you and it’s probably something that doesn’t really worry you very much.
But guess what—your beautiful girlfriend or bride will one day get older, too. She won’t lose her hair (probably) but she’ll probably put on a little weight, etc. One day her skin will be a little rougher than it is now, little fine lines and wrinkles may appear. Her hair will shine a little less each year, and she’ll become more of a “mom” and less of the vixen you first met.
The fact that we age and decline is not a fact young men question. It’s not a bad thing either. She won’t be any less attractive because of it. In fact, in many ways you’ll find her more physically attractive over time. You’ll be attracted to her, and not just because she is female, in proximity, and willing. When your 21-25, you’re attracted to just about anything female or easy. As you get older, you’ll discover that you need a partner and not just an object. The good news is that if you choose your wife carefully and thoughtfully, you’ll have a partner you find attractive your whole life through.
But some young grooms delude themselves into believing that their bride-to-be will either never age, or will look like Jennifer Aniston when she’s 40-ish. When she is not looking as hot just a couple years down the road, they become upset and their lust wanes. Dude, she won’t always be 19. That’s highly unlikely (unless you kill and stuff her like a lion shortly after the wedding ceremony, but that’s oftly morbid—think of where that line of thinking will take you...). Just like the short story “A Rose for Emily”—yikes!
Now, I mentioned that you can manage the fate of what your bride will look like as she ages or you can at least prepare yourself for it. How you ask? By learning to accept the highly likely truth that your bride will look more and more like her mother as she ages. And that, my young protégés, is why we started off with “for better, for worse”.
So what does the highly likely truth mean for you? It means that one day you’ll be laying next to your mother-in-law one day (kinda). Are you ok with that? You had better be.
The reason I’m bringing this truth to your attention is this: If you are a male with normal levels of testosterone, then “looks” are a significant consideration in the girls you initially choose to pursue. Because of your testosterone, you’re perfectly willing to overlook many more important traits and characteristics to find that someone that makes you turn your head. You’re not likely to be assessing the single girls who meet by their ability to discuss geopolitics or art (although you should be). Sadly, at this point, you probably don’t care if she is financially prudent. You probably don’t care if she is interested in being a supportive wife. You probably don’t care if she can cook or not. You probably don’t care if she will be a good parent to your spawn. In all reality, you’re a stupid, mindless predator who can’t think much beyond your physical interests. You’re a walking shark!
So, since you are like a shark, we need to teach you to gather some perspective and take the long view. You need to prioritize appearance. There is more to life than just how she looks right now. You certainly want to find a bride who is cute, good looking, etc. You want there to be genuine physical attraction. More importantly, you need to find somebody you respect—intellectually, emotionally, philosophically. It needs to be a balanced choice because if all you do is choose a girl because of her measurements—you’re highly likely to later consider putting a gun to your head as she prattles on endlessly about Spencer and Heidi (unless you’re into “The Hills” type stuff). If you have to explain to your wife that buffalo wings come from chickens, you’re in for a tortuous marriage to a talking blow up doll who spends all of your money.
If you’re lucky like me, you’ll be able to find a bride who is both smart and very good looking. You’ll find lasting dimensions that bond you together and create a whole picture that works. You’ll have a woman that comes together to be better than any individual element. Her good looks will conceal minor character deficiencies; conversely, her smarts or charm will conceal those fine lines gathering near her eyes. By the way, you better damn well hope this is true for you—because if it isn’t, then it’s highly likely she’ll be dumping you as you uglify.
However, if “looks” really is your #1 consideration, you need to factor this in. You need to try to calculate how much the present and future appearance of your bride affects you. If you mother-in-law has cankles, then you’re bride is highly likely to have cankles, too, one day. If your mother-in-law is fit and trim as a mature woman, your bride will likely be trim as a mature woman. If the mother-in-law is large enough to cast a shadow over a small parking lot, then guess what?—so will your girlfriend! If your mother-in-law is a pleasant looking matriarch, then you’re highly likely to be in good fortune.
My paternal genes mean that I am highly likely to have bushy eyebrows. I can’t tell you how often my wife has made some off-hand, unintentional comment about them and I end up in a closet weeping for hours, eating bag after bag of Cheetos, pulling at my eyebrows and wishing I could just be perfect……whoa…that…uh…should have stayed a secret. Moving on...
I just feel sorry for the dude that marries an empty-headed piece of eye candy, only to discover that she became (rather soon) became an empty-headed regurgitated hairball.
One last point about aging—women all experience it differently. Some age very slowly, while others seem to be aging at the rate of 3 years for 1. So, your mother-in-law holds some clue as to how your wife will age. Just take it in stride. The fact is that nature will take its course—for better, for worse.
Now here’s an important caveat: I’m not saying that your wife won’t take better care of herself or isn’t genetically disposed to look at least a little different than her mother. Yes, some women take more genetic cues from their father and his side of the family. But most of us look like our parents as we get older—it’s very highly likely. Each individual can work on themselves and present the best of self possible. But, for example, if you’re mother-in-law is heavy, then your wife is highly likely to have to struggle to not be. She may stay trim, but it won’t be effortless. So, if you are so shallow that you can’t deal with the idea of you bride being heavier than she is today, then you had better meet her mom and see what you’re in for.
Secondary note: This was a very difficult topic to write—lots of ideas to organize. I’m not sure that I have it really finished yet. The first draft of this caused me to become abstinent…
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