there are also about 34 reasons why you should get married (you're waiting to hear them, aren't you; well, I will reveal all 218 in another post). Today we will discuss one of the more useful reasons for getting married, although you may not be able to appreciate it until you're much older. Basically young man, this post is coming from your older, future self, visiting from 40 or 50 years down the road. I'm going to channel the best advice from your older self (I'll force him to stay on topic, not use "mission" stories to illustrate his point, etc.).
Your future self wants you to know that you need to get married to help you shut up (at least sometimes). The unfortunate highly likely truth is that because you have are a male, you have an innate ability and strong desire to say stupid, offensive things. You feel compelled to make asinine comments about others; you want to blurt out objectionable and innappropriate comments (usually involving sex, sex organs, sexual innuendo, the other guy's mother, etc); you can't seem to stop yourself from egging on some one you are fighting with--if it was up to you, you'd keep arguing with that other guy even though it might very well result in you having a bunch of kidney bruises and a broken jaw. Heck, when you're really mad, you want to keep making inciting, infuriating comments even though you know that you may end up in the local prison lock-up next to a mexican drug lord that muled some kilos of crack across the border in some poor illegal immigrant's colon. Somewhere, deep within the folds of your brain there is some spot that generates this idiotic behavior and for some reason, it all seems like reasonable behavior (due to whoreosterone, perhaps?).
Sure, through some training (primary and young mens program), self mastery, and some healthy fear of pain and humiliation, you've learned how to control yourself to a generally respectable degree. But like drug addict, you're always just one bad line away from getting into trouble. When you're a youth or early teenager, this problem isn't much of a problem. You generally spend your time with other stumbling, bumbling kids who aren't much of a problem/threat and incidents are usually quickly forgetten.
But now you're starting to enter into real adulthood. Some very important things are starting to happen and these things have much longer term consequences. You're trying to find a mate. You're trying to start a career. You're trying to create circle of friends and acquaintances who will form the community in which your children will be raised.
You need to realize that getting into a fight now involves terms like "battery" and "assault", and means possible jail time (not suspension from junior high school). You need to realize that teasing your friend's sister with she is a "fat cow" when you're 11 is much different than making the same remark to Sister Warner. It's one thing to make a comment like, "man, you're girfriend is hot"; it's totally different when you say "man, you're wife has nice legs". You need to appreciate that you'll be living among adults who can choose to alienate you...
This is especially true in your dating relationships and marriage. As you grow comfortable with you're partner, it's easy to relax and let the full force of your natural personality come out. But that's when you need to exercise even more restraint, otherwise life will be not so happy. Let's look at a few helpful examples:
1) You're watching the 2nd game of a double header of college football. You're wife asks you if it would be all right for her to leave the kids with you and go to a Pampered Chef party. After she finally gets your attention, your first thought is to say something like, "Hey that sounds like a good idea; an equally brilliant idea would be for me to insert an ice pick in my eye and spend $70 buying decoupage for the garage. Either way, I'll be more poor and still hungry..." While you are congratulating yourself on remembering the word "decoupage" (although you still don't know what it is), you're wife is quietly making a mental note to "have a headache" for the next 2 months.
2) Your girlfriend takes you to a clothing store. She wants to find some new pants. In an obvious attempt to get a compliment and be a little flirty, she asks you how her butt looks in a particular pair of jeans. Unfortunately, she picked the wrong pair for this analysis. Your natural inclination may be to say something like "You know, I appreciate the fact that you're not trying to attract other men now that we are dating. Really, I think that you look more and more like the mother of my future children every day now." Before you can get out "I was just making a joke" your girlfriend is texting your roommate to see if he wants to go out next weekend.
Both of these situations had easy responses--"Yes dear. That's great." True, not very creative and definitely not very witty, but very effective and safe. You have to realize that you are highly likely to ruin a good thing with your mouth. Your wife won't mind you buying the NBA package on DirectTV when you choose to not mock her Pampered Chef party. You won't have to go to "Twilight" or "New Moon" to meet girls and hopefully get a girlfriend if you can hold back the sarcasm (warning--there are a lot of married moms at those types of movies, so be careful who you choose to sit next to...).
But let's get to the fact of the matter. Your wife is pretty forgiving. You're likely to be on good behavior while you're dating. But you're highly likely to say something stupid to another grown up. That's why you need to get married. You need to have a help meet you can elbow you just before you tell Julie Healy "Well, if my wife doesn't keep me happy, if you know what I mean, then I'm gonna find me a little sugar somewhere else" because, even though you don't know it, Julie's husband just told her 2 months ago that he had an affair. You need to have someone to help you filter your anger and frustration. Before you march on over to So-and-So's house and tell them off, you can have her listen to your "brilliant" insult and then direct you to the couch and TV remote. A good wife knows when you to coax you out of a conversation and room (using her feminie wiles, if necessary) to prevent you from making some incredibly stupid remark. Having your wife present at the church softball game will make you much less likely to tell the opposing ward's bishop that "your momma's like a vacuum cleaner..." after he tags you late but insists you're out.
Heck, she may even be able to convince you not to post your stupid ramblings in a blog...
