Which is the most Mormon?
Ok I've seen this type of thing on the internet and email forwards before but I think that they are a lot of fun. The question is, of course, what cultural item would you identify as the most mormon? Here's a list of possibles to choose from:
Jello salad--seriously, can you think of an official mormon function that didn't have a Jello Salad? (ok, if you haven't lived in Utah or Idaho at some point in your life, this may not apply). Nothing like green jello with little bits of fruit inside!
Church basketball--lots of other churches sponsor teams from their congregations, but few actually host their own events (perhaps they've had some revelation that we haven't? Maybe this is one of those truths that exist outside of the church that we're are supposed to bring into the chruch). All I know that there is nothing like destroying brotherhood by inviting a bunch of wanna-be jocks to play ball!
"with every fiber of my being"--Let's put it this way, if you met someone anywhere in the world and heard them say, "I know it with every fiber of my being" would you have ANY doubt they were mormon? Nuff said.
White dress shirt--perhaps Utah just didn't have any natural dyes to work with when they settled the west, but can't they move into the 21st century? I know many a mormon male who own nothing but white dress shirts. Some may have 1 light blue shirt. But deep red? Black? Striped? Never! And here's a challenge--can anyone find a picture of a general authority wearing anything but a plain white dress shirt? I am almost willing to bet my boat you can't find one...
CTR rings worn by adults--I get the idea, but seriously do you know of any other adult population that wears kid jewelry? Grow up. Same thing for adults who pick "I am a Child of God" as they favorite song. Nice song and sentiment, but seriously have you not grown and matured just a little bit?
Delivering meals to the sick and afflicted--this is one of those not-specific-to-mormon things that we've been able to twist into something very mormon. I'm quite confident that a family could come down with a stomach virus disease that features lots of vomiting and the ward would still bring them a meal. A family could have a hole in their roof during the monsoon season and instead of helping to patch or cover the roof, the ward would probably bring in meals. Can't we find some other way to help others besides making a casserole???
Funeral potatoes--egad. I think that these things are the worst. And they are just everywhere. It's making me morose and suicidal, so I'm moving on.
J. Golden Kimball--seriously, does anyone know anything about this guy OTHER than the fact that he would throw in a few "damns" and "hells" and didn't mind throwing out an insult or two? This guy is so overrated.
Wedding receptions with basketball hoops in the background--ah yes, there is nothing quite like being able to "shoot your bouquet" instead of tossing it to your bridesmaids. I have never been inside another church or banquet hall that has basketball rims inside... Hell, we even put them up in our churches in countries where the natives don't play basketball!
Euphemisms for swear words (Hack, Fetch, Flip, Shiz, etc.)--I can't say that I don't do this, but this is another one of those things where if you hear a stranger saying "Give me the friggin' remote" you know the guy is mormon. It's just so obvious, shiz!
Food Storage--do you know of anybody else in your neighborhood (non-mormons) who are hoarding wheat, water, and other canned goods in their garage? If nobody else is doing it, it must be very momon...
Saturday’s Warrior--sadly, too many people's doctrinal understanding of the pre-mortal life and the purpose of this life is informed by this play/movie. Even if you have never seen it, one of your primary leaders or young women's leaders watched it and uses it as the framework of their understanding. It's not true folks!!!!!!
Cheerios in Sacrament meeting--next Sunday, you should stop by and visit another church and take a peak at their "chapel" just after they finish services. How many Cheerios do you think that you will find? Zero--just like a Cheerios...
Pyramid Schemes--I think that mormons are so drawn to pyramid schemes for two reasons. First, pyramids are prominent in Egypt and Nephi wrote using "reformed Egyptian" characters so... The second reason is that in order to be successful in pyramid schemes you have to have a list of people you can sell to and all mormons have the ward list--it's a match made in heaven?
I don't know if I can pick just one as the most mormon, but I can name my top three (in no particular order): "with every fiber of my being", Saturday's Warrior, and Euphemisms for swear words. What's yours?
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Truth #4 for YW on dating & marriage
Some apples don't fall very far from the tree...
Many women like to say that the thing they most look for in a guy is a sense of humor. Many women also lie about their weight... I don't know why, but many women are uncomfortable admitting that they hope to date and marry a man whose best feature is his looks (perhaps they are afraid to find someone better looking than them?--you know that idea actually has legs... Imagine waking up years from now...you look yourself in the mirror and see the bags under your eyes, the dull hair...then you look back at the bed and think to yourself..."at least I don't look as bad as he does...man, is he ugly, fat, and pasty white..." You know, maybe you should marry an ugly guy!).
Anyways, you should try to find a man that you find attractive--this may seem rather obvious, but hear me out. Not only will you have to wake up next to this guy for the next 50 years and possibly for eternity, but marry an attractive man because he will contribute to the look of your children. For many women, having a family and cute little kids to care for is the major part of their life plan. You're going to have to love those little buggers through the good times (when their learning to walk and talk) and the bad times (at the end of your day at Disneyland and they are screaming bloody murder). And one highly likely truth is that it is so much easy to love cute kids. How could you do something as cruel as marry an ugly guy and therefore short-change your children?!?!?
Listen to your ovaries when you're meeting men. Make sure that the spawn inside your womb will be happy getting half of their genetic material from your dating partners. Imagine your fiance as a 6 month old in a onesy (ok, that's not helpful but damn funny). The official highly likely truth of this chapter is that your husband will eventually grow to look like his father (for better or for worse). And so will your children! You need to check out his dad to see what the future likely has in store for you. Your boyfriend may have a good shape and all of his hair at 18, but his dad will give you a view to what he will look like for most of his adult life. Don't be fooled by the glow and gleam brought on by the rushing testosterone. See what you're going to be cooking in your oven for 9 months.
Now, of course, marrying someone you find physically attractive is important for you as a person. You'll want to be with someone you like to look at and take pictures with. But it's also important because your physical attraction to him has consequences for your kids. You see, it will be easier to want to do the thing to make the babies you want if you find him physically attractive. I know that on TV and in movies they tell you that lots of women fake enjoying sex but have sex anyways to keep their man happy or to get pregnant. But faking enjoying sex gets old real fast, like after week 2 (and remember, if you are going for a temple marriage, you are agreeing to have sex with this dude for eternity...yowwwzer!). And if you want to have a large, mormon pioneer style family of 12, that's a lot of sex to fake enjoying (especially if you and your man are not fertile like Napa valley). So, not only will this man help make your kids cute or ugly, but the man you marry will also make your "making babies" fun or hell. A sense of humor will not help you much with either of those things.
Now, before you get worked up--a sense of humor and other suchs skills and characteristics are very important--I'm just helping you to stop pretending that what he look likes doesn't or shouldn't matter to you. Believe me, if they guy has a bad sense of humor it can nearly kill you and the marriage (note: if he really enjoys fart jokes, or watching MTV shows like "Jackass", etc you are in big, big trouble!). We'll get to those other good traits later.
Many women like to say that the thing they most look for in a guy is a sense of humor. Many women also lie about their weight... I don't know why, but many women are uncomfortable admitting that they hope to date and marry a man whose best feature is his looks (perhaps they are afraid to find someone better looking than them?--you know that idea actually has legs... Imagine waking up years from now...you look yourself in the mirror and see the bags under your eyes, the dull hair...then you look back at the bed and think to yourself..."at least I don't look as bad as he does...man, is he ugly, fat, and pasty white..." You know, maybe you should marry an ugly guy!).
Anyways, you should try to find a man that you find attractive--this may seem rather obvious, but hear me out. Not only will you have to wake up next to this guy for the next 50 years and possibly for eternity, but marry an attractive man because he will contribute to the look of your children. For many women, having a family and cute little kids to care for is the major part of their life plan. You're going to have to love those little buggers through the good times (when their learning to walk and talk) and the bad times (at the end of your day at Disneyland and they are screaming bloody murder). And one highly likely truth is that it is so much easy to love cute kids. How could you do something as cruel as marry an ugly guy and therefore short-change your children?!?!?
Listen to your ovaries when you're meeting men. Make sure that the spawn inside your womb will be happy getting half of their genetic material from your dating partners. Imagine your fiance as a 6 month old in a onesy (ok, that's not helpful but damn funny). The official highly likely truth of this chapter is that your husband will eventually grow to look like his father (for better or for worse). And so will your children! You need to check out his dad to see what the future likely has in store for you. Your boyfriend may have a good shape and all of his hair at 18, but his dad will give you a view to what he will look like for most of his adult life. Don't be fooled by the glow and gleam brought on by the rushing testosterone. See what you're going to be cooking in your oven for 9 months.
Now, of course, marrying someone you find physically attractive is important for you as a person. You'll want to be with someone you like to look at and take pictures with. But it's also important because your physical attraction to him has consequences for your kids. You see, it will be easier to want to do the thing to make the babies you want if you find him physically attractive. I know that on TV and in movies they tell you that lots of women fake enjoying sex but have sex anyways to keep their man happy or to get pregnant. But faking enjoying sex gets old real fast, like after week 2 (and remember, if you are going for a temple marriage, you are agreeing to have sex with this dude for eternity...yowwwzer!). And if you want to have a large, mormon pioneer style family of 12, that's a lot of sex to fake enjoying (especially if you and your man are not fertile like Napa valley). So, not only will this man help make your kids cute or ugly, but the man you marry will also make your "making babies" fun or hell. A sense of humor will not help you much with either of those things.
Now, before you get worked up--a sense of humor and other suchs skills and characteristics are very important--I'm just helping you to stop pretending that what he look likes doesn't or shouldn't matter to you. Believe me, if they guy has a bad sense of humor it can nearly kill you and the marriage (note: if he really enjoys fart jokes, or watching MTV shows like "Jackass", etc you are in big, big trouble!). We'll get to those other good traits later.
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