Truth #2 about Dating and Marriage for YW

He’s not Mr. Potato Head

You really think your boyfriend is soooo hot. He dresses way cool. He’s his own person and doesn’t worry about impressing others or fitting into the crowd. He’s a little rough around the edges. But that’s part of his charm. Sure, he’s not exactly what Mom was hoping that you’d bring home but he makes you happy. Plus you know that he’ll grow up some day and that you can make him into the man you want him to be. Stop right there.

One of the not highly likely truths that too many women believe going into marriage is that their husband-to-be is Mr. Potato Head. They think that he is a series of interchangeable parts that can be rearranged to make a perfect husband. At any given time you can pop off the smart-alecky mouth and pop on a pair of sugary lips that spills out sweet nothings instead of curse words. They think he’s something that they can makeover. But the highly likely truth is that your husband/fiancé is about as changeable as a slinky (a slinky can be bent and ruined but not improved upon).

The fact is that it doesn’t matter how smart or cute or demanding that you might be—he’s not going to change, or at least he’s not going to change the way that you want. Now that’s not to say that he can’t change—but it has to be on his terms. You can’t change him. If he wears shorts and an old t-shirts on your dates (or to wedding receptions of your friends), then he’s going to dress like a slob when you’re married. If he doesn’t say he loves you often, then you’ll have to learn to live without it. If you don’t like the fact that he passes gas when you’re trying to cuddle—I got bad news for you, that’s not going to change (unfortunately it may get worse). If he doesn’t like to “talk” after you have a fight, then it ain’t going to improve later. If he channels surfs now, he’s not going to hand over the remote when you’re husband and wife. Get the picture?

Sadly, some of your friends or older sister or aunt perhaps have thought that they could change their husbands. They figured they would sweet talk him and subliminally change him. Others figured that they would sit-down and have a heart-to-heart to tell him what a bunch of bad habits he has and how that makes her feel because feelings are important and she believes that he’s going to see the light and make changes because of course he loves her and feelings are important to him, too (right?) and so he must care about her feelings and how could this possibly go wrong?!?!? (Every which way). Maybe the way to change him is to withhold sex until he gets the hint that you’re not happy about A,B, or C.

You know what that those approaches accomplished? They earned her a new title or nickname. It isn’t Sweetie Pie or, Wise One, or The Right One, Master, Rabbi, Guru, etc. Nope, the new title was NAG (or Ice Queen if you employ the withhold technique). It may actually become, “she’s a big fat, domineering, complaining, whining, manipulative NAAAAAGGGG. This is not a good thing. You don’t want that.

So what can you do? Well, the obvious action, of course, is to try to date men that are pretty close to what you eventually want in a partner. Yes, the” bad boy” can be fun, but he’s like a highly fattening dessert—something to be sampled early and later eschewed as you age.

You need to have a little perspective—your destiny in life is tied to this guy. You’re highly likely to depend on him to be the primary breadwinner. While you don’t mind that your current boyfriend can only afford to take you to Olive Garden for a special date because he can’t keep a steady job, that ain’t going to be as much fun when you’re 35. You don’t want to have to sell your plasma for $50 a week just because you’re bad boy can’t be bothered to stop playing video games. You can’t change him. If you marry a loser, you’re stuck with one. You can’t make him smarter, or kinder, or whatever. You might get lucky and he’ll evolve on his own. But do you want to bank on that?