Truth #3 about marriage and dating for YM

For better, for worse
“Dearly Beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony…” Now, LDS temple weddings are not officiated using the traditional wedding vow, but that script does contain one phrase that inspires another truth about dating and marriage for LDS young men. The script goes on to say, “Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse…”

Ah, “for better, for worse”—a willingness to accept the fate that awaits you. A fate that you cannot easily escape once you start down the path of destiny. But the good news for you is that you can manage one particular aspect of fate, or you can at least prepare yourself for its inevitable revelation. You see, you will get older and uglier with time. Most of us reach the pinnacle of our appearance in our early twenties, maybe into our thirties, but after that it’s downhill from there. When we are young, our skin is fresh and supple. Our waistlines are trim. We appear vivacious, full of energy, healthy, and fun. But as you get older, you’ll get fatter (at least a little, maybe a lot). As you age, you’re likely to lose some of your hair. Or at least your hair will move from your head to your back and your ears and nose. That’s not a shock to you and it’s probably something that doesn’t really worry you very much.

But guess what—your beautiful girlfriend or bride will one day get older, too. She won’t lose her hair (probably) but she’ll probably put on a little weight, etc. One day her skin will be a little rougher than it is now, little fine lines and wrinkles may appear. Her hair will shine a little less each year, and she’ll become more of a “mom” and less of the vixen you first met.

The fact that we age and decline is not a fact young men question. It’s not a bad thing either. She won’t be any less attractive because of it. In fact, in many ways you’ll find her more physically attractive over time. You’ll be attracted to her, and not just because she is female, in proximity, and willing. When your 21-25, you’re attracted to just about anything female or easy. As you get older, you’ll discover that you need a partner and not just an object. The good news is that if you choose your wife carefully and thoughtfully, you’ll have a partner you find attractive your whole life through.

But some young grooms delude themselves into believing that their bride-to-be will either never age, or will look like Jennifer Aniston when she’s 40-ish. When she is not looking as hot just a couple years down the road, they become upset and their lust wanes. Dude, she won’t always be 19. That’s highly unlikely (unless you kill and stuff her like a lion shortly after the wedding ceremony, but that’s oftly morbid—think of where that line of thinking will take you...). Just like the short story “A Rose for Emily”—yikes!

Now, I mentioned that you can manage the fate of what your bride will look like as she ages or you can at least prepare yourself for it. How you ask? By learning to accept the highly likely truth that your bride will look more and more like her mother as she ages. And that, my young protégés, is why we started off with “for better, for worse”.

So what does the highly likely truth mean for you? It means that one day you’ll be laying next to your mother-in-law one day (kinda). Are you ok with that? You had better be.

The reason I’m bringing this truth to your attention is this: If you are a male with normal levels of testosterone, then “looks” are a significant consideration in the girls you initially choose to pursue. Because of your testosterone, you’re perfectly willing to overlook many more important traits and characteristics to find that someone that makes you turn your head. You’re not likely to be assessing the single girls who meet by their ability to discuss geopolitics or art (although you should be). Sadly, at this point, you probably don’t care if she is financially prudent. You probably don’t care if she is interested in being a supportive wife. You probably don’t care if she can cook or not. You probably don’t care if she will be a good parent to your spawn. In all reality, you’re a stupid, mindless predator who can’t think much beyond your physical interests. You’re a walking shark!

So, since you are like a shark, we need to teach you to gather some perspective and take the long view. You need to prioritize appearance. There is more to life than just how she looks right now. You certainly want to find a bride who is cute, good looking, etc. You want there to be genuine physical attraction. More importantly, you need to find somebody you respect—intellectually, emotionally, philosophically. It needs to be a balanced choice because if all you do is choose a girl because of her measurements—you’re highly likely to later consider putting a gun to your head as she prattles on endlessly about Spencer and Heidi (unless you’re into “The Hills” type stuff). If you have to explain to your wife that buffalo wings come from chickens, you’re in for a tortuous marriage to a talking blow up doll who spends all of your money.

If you’re lucky like me, you’ll be able to find a bride who is both smart and very good looking. You’ll find lasting dimensions that bond you together and create a whole picture that works. You’ll have a woman that comes together to be better than any individual element. Her good looks will conceal minor character deficiencies; conversely, her smarts or charm will conceal those fine lines gathering near her eyes. By the way, you better damn well hope this is true for you—because if it isn’t, then it’s highly likely she’ll be dumping you as you uglify.

However, if “looks” really is your #1 consideration, you need to factor this in. You need to try to calculate how much the present and future appearance of your bride affects you. If you mother-in-law has cankles, then you’re bride is highly likely to have cankles, too, one day. If your mother-in-law is fit and trim as a mature woman, your bride will likely be trim as a mature woman. If the mother-in-law is large enough to cast a shadow over a small parking lot, then guess what?—so will your girlfriend! If your mother-in-law is a pleasant looking matriarch, then you’re highly likely to be in good fortune.

My paternal genes mean that I am highly likely to have bushy eyebrows. I can’t tell you how often my wife has made some off-hand, unintentional comment about them and I end up in a closet weeping for hours, eating bag after bag of Cheetos, pulling at my eyebrows and wishing I could just be perfect……whoa…that…uh…should have stayed a secret. Moving on...

I just feel sorry for the dude that marries an empty-headed piece of eye candy, only to discover that she became (rather soon) became an empty-headed regurgitated hairball.

One last point about aging—women all experience it differently. Some age very slowly, while others seem to be aging at the rate of 3 years for 1. So, your mother-in-law holds some clue as to how your wife will age. Just take it in stride. The fact is that nature will take its course—for better, for worse.

Now here’s an important caveat: I’m not saying that your wife won’t take better care of herself or isn’t genetically disposed to look at least a little different than her mother. Yes, some women take more genetic cues from their father and his side of the family. But most of us look like our parents as we get older—it’s very highly likely. Each individual can work on themselves and present the best of self possible. But, for example, if you’re mother-in-law is heavy, then your wife is highly likely to have to struggle to not be. She may stay trim, but it won’t be effortless. So, if you are so shallow that you can’t deal with the idea of you bride being heavier than she is today, then you had better meet her mom and see what you’re in for.

Secondary note: This was a very difficult topic to write—lots of ideas to organize. I’m not sure that I have it really finished yet. The first draft of this caused me to become abstinent…