Truth #5 for YW about dating & marriage

…or are you just happy to see me?

Hopefully dears, your mothers have already had the "Birds and the Bees" talk with you; if not, then you need to find a friend or relative that has “known man” to give you the 411. This infamous discussion—how it might have happened to you, what you should do for your daughters and sons—deserves its very own post. Today, we’ll give you some insight into your love life as a married woman, and more specifically, your lover.

Ahhh intimacy—it’s a delicate matter. Don’t worry, I’m not going to get into anything nasty. Just some basic biology you should know. During this post, I’ll usually reference the subject matter as “intimacy” instead of “sex”. I like the word “sex”; I like the way it sounds; I also like how the word makes my fellow mormons uncomfortable (there are adults who have “known” the opposite gender and spawned many children yet are made uncomfortable by the word “sex”). But I’m here to educate, so we’ll use “intimacy” so we don’t get distracted!

The highly likely truth about your husband-to-be is that he is a whore. No, he’s not a prostitute who works a street corner in a shady part of town. But he has a one-track mind and he’s willing to do just about anything in exchange for “intimacy”. Ok….so maybe he’s a monogamous slut with a firm commitment to family values. Anyways, he’s a machine, a simple computer program no “0”, just lots of “1” (had to slip in at least one Freudian euphemism!). But fear not, he isn’t depraved or kinky, he hasn’t been molested as child, etc. He just has a very strong, natural intimacy drive—and it’s the result of biology. It’s even part of the Plan of Salvation!

You see, the man you will marry has an X and a Y chromosome (you are hopefully XX). What that means is that he has a whole half of his brain dedicated to being creative (the right half). The male right half of the brain is very good at being imaginative—his brain thinks about ways to woo you, he can envision how you might look in certain underwear, he can dream endlessly about things to “do” with you after said wooing, etc. He is so good at being creative, that he is able to be creative all the time, he never tires of it—when he’s awake, when he’s asleep, when you’re pregnant, even when you’re enjoying the fruits of your monthly cycle. He will be creative even when he’s dead (or you’re dead, too).

This half of the brain is so effective and powerful that it has the will power necessary to get him to overcome many aspects of his rational left brain. It can get him to ignore the rational left brain’s pleadings of “For the love of all things manly, either turn off Grey’s Anatomy or walk out of the room now!!! You're becoming sensitive and maybe gay!!!” Even when his rational brain is screaming, “There is no right answer. Yes, these pants do make her butt look fat and she knows it, but you can’t win because if you say that it doesn’t make her butt look fat, then she’ll know you’re lying to her. But if you say yes, then you’re an insensitive jerk. WHY ARE WE CLOTHES SHOPPING? Isn’t there some athletic event on one of the 26 ESPN channels? HOW DID YOU LET US GET INTO THIS PREDICAMENT? Don’t frown, don’t frown, STOPPP!—you’re giving your thought away!!! Oh crap, we’re going down in flames!!!!....”

While his left brain is panicking, his right brain is exerting a powerful calming influence. It makes him realize that while he hates doing certain things, he needs to do them to keep you happy, and as a very important side benefit, makes him much more likely to get lucky sometime soon. It’s a symbiotic relationship that keeps the universe in harmony. You may be frustrated to learn that his “desire” to go shopping with you or watch a chic flick is a calculated decision. Sorry, it’s highly likely that he doesn’t really like watching High School Musical (you know that stupid grin he gets on his face when he tells you that movie was a lot of fun? That's him being “creative” about Vanessa Hudgens or Ashley Tisdale). You may feel deceived that he didn’t really like going to Hobby Lobby with you. Don’t feel this way. He’s not lying to you, he’s just internally conflicted and I’m letting you in on the secret. Without the two halves of the brain working in this fashion, happy marriages as we know them would not be possible.

Compounding the brain issue, your husband has some body parts (ask your mother) that produce whore-osterone. It produces great quantities of it, all the time. While you have your monthly friend that comes and goes, your husband’s hormone cycle last 25/8, 366. The whore-osterone causes him to operate like an animal (like we told you in a previous chapter, he is a mindless predator—think great white shark like in the movie Jaws). Whore-osterone is the force driving this powerful cycle= Eat, poop, sleep, procreate, eat, poop, sleep procreate, etc… Whore-osterone is also the juice that powers his right brain activity.

Now, not all men have brains and bodies developed exactly the same. Some of more right brain than others, some have less whore-osterone. That means that you can find a man whose personality and intimacy needs fit with yours. You have to think long term. So, part of your courtship should involve investigating your boyfriend’s intimacy proclivities. I’m not saying you need to have “intimacy” prior to marriage or that you should ask him directly (see the paragraph above about left brain-right brain negotiations). As a Molly and Normon, who are highly likely to not have real physical intimacy prior to marriage, you’ll have to do some guess work. But you should get a sense of what he is like. Because remember, like a shark (a mindless predator that hasn’t evolved mentally in millions of years) you’re husband is not highly likely to change after you get married. He may never change.

So what are you driving at, you ask? You see, you’re highly likely to think like this about intimacy during your courtship and early marriage: “Wow, this guy is great and he thinks that I am great. He wants to grab me and kiss me every time we’re together and this is exciting so I’ll happily kiss him all the time….Wow, we’re married and we can be “intimate” now and he is sooo looking forward to this and I want him to be happy, so I’ll be intimate with him lots…Ok, being intimate is so overrated, I really thought that he’d get over it, it’s been 13 months…Thank heavens I’m nursing and can use that excuse to get him off of me….Maybe if I get really fat he’ll finally leave me alone, I mean we’re forty and he’s still after me like we just got to the hotel after the ceremony…”

See? He’s never going to change. So you should find a partner who has an intimacy level that is compatible. If you want a happy husband, you’ll need to find a good match. Don’t just figure that you can lure him in with the steamy girlfriend bait and then turn into the ice queen after you have a ring on your finger. Besides being cruel, you could cause him to have a psychotic break. Remember, he’s constantly having right brain—left brain negotiations and having that work out to some degree keeps him sane. Making him a “monk” will cause his brain to go haywire. You could crush his soul and drive him into the arms of another woman. He might decide to hunt year round. He might become so effeminate that he develops breast cancer. He might turn gay. Can you really ignore these dangerous side effects by trying to defy a biological reality? It’s highly likely to be bad for your marriage.