He’s not Mr. Potato Head
You really think your boyfriend is soooo hot. He dresses way cool. He’s his own person and doesn’t worry about impressing others or fitting into the crowd. He’s a little rough around the edges. But that’s part of his charm. Sure, he’s not exactly what Mom was hoping that you’d bring home but he makes you happy. Plus you know that he’ll grow up some day and that you can make him into the man you want him to be. Stop right there.
One of the not highly likely truths that too many women believe going into marriage is that their husband-to-be is Mr. Potato Head. They think that he is a series of interchangeable parts that can be rearranged to make a perfect husband. At any given time you can pop off the smart-alecky mouth and pop on a pair of sugary lips that spills out sweet nothings instead of curse words. They think he’s something that they can makeover. But the highly likely truth is that your husband/fiancé is about as changeable as a slinky (a slinky can be bent and ruined but not improved upon).
The fact is that it doesn’t matter how smart or cute or demanding that you might be—he’s not going to change, or at least he’s not going to change the way that you want. Now that’s not to say that he can’t change—but it has to be on his terms. You can’t change him. If he wears shorts and an old t-shirts on your dates (or to wedding receptions of your friends), then he’s going to dress like a slob when you’re married. If he doesn’t say he loves you often, then you’ll have to learn to live without it. If you don’t like the fact that he passes gas when you’re trying to cuddle—I got bad news for you, that’s not going to change (unfortunately it may get worse). If he doesn’t like to “talk” after you have a fight, then it ain’t going to improve later. If he channels surfs now, he’s not going to hand over the remote when you’re husband and wife. Get the picture?
Sadly, some of your friends or older sister or aunt perhaps have thought that they could change their husbands. They figured they would sweet talk him and subliminally change him. Others figured that they would sit-down and have a heart-to-heart to tell him what a bunch of bad habits he has and how that makes her feel because feelings are important and she believes that he’s going to see the light and make changes because of course he loves her and feelings are important to him, too (right?) and so he must care about her feelings and how could this possibly go wrong?!?!? (Every which way). Maybe the way to change him is to withhold sex until he gets the hint that you’re not happy about A,B, or C.
You know what that those approaches accomplished? They earned her a new title or nickname. It isn’t Sweetie Pie or, Wise One, or The Right One, Master, Rabbi, Guru, etc. Nope, the new title was NAG (or Ice Queen if you employ the withhold technique). It may actually become, “she’s a big fat, domineering, complaining, whining, manipulative NAAAAAGGGG. This is not a good thing. You don’t want that.
So what can you do? Well, the obvious action, of course, is to try to date men that are pretty close to what you eventually want in a partner. Yes, the” bad boy” can be fun, but he’s like a highly fattening dessert—something to be sampled early and later eschewed as you age.
You need to have a little perspective—your destiny in life is tied to this guy. You’re highly likely to depend on him to be the primary breadwinner. While you don’t mind that your current boyfriend can only afford to take you to Olive Garden for a special date because he can’t keep a steady job, that ain’t going to be as much fun when you’re 35. You don’t want to have to sell your plasma for $50 a week just because you’re bad boy can’t be bothered to stop playing video games. You can’t change him. If you marry a loser, you’re stuck with one. You can’t make him smarter, or kinder, or whatever. You might get lucky and he’ll evolve on his own. But do you want to bank on that?
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Rant #2
Was that Sam L Hutchinson?
Ok, this one may not have a lot of depth to it, but it's one of the oddest Mormon culture things I have come across. What is with our terribly weird fascination with middle initials (or first initials)? What you say? What do I mean?
I mean try saying out loud the name of any modern prophet, apostle, or even most general authorities. Did you say a single one with out saying the middle or first initial? Thomas S Monson, Gordon B Hinckley, Boyd K Packer, Henry B Eyring, even Dieter F Uchtdorf. Now try saying these names without the initial. Give these a try: Harold * Lee, Bruce * McConkie, * Tom Perry...Feel a little odd coming off the tongue? Yep, welcome to Initialville!
It's odd because we don't do that in regular life. EVER. Do you do that at work? Do you tell your co-worker, "Hey the general manager, you know, Phillip C Donalson, is coming by to visit tomorrow." Talk about weirdo speak. Do you ever sign your emails or letters with your middle initials? Do you ever use middle initials with political figures, with comments like, "Hey President Ronald W Reagan and President Bill J Clinton both had a lot of charisma..." Never-ever except in rare cases and then we usually invoke all initials (FDR, JFK, etc).
For a second reason, it's odd because how many Tommy Monson's, or Gordo Hinckley's, or Dieter Uchtdorf's do you know? And of all those, how many do you know have been called to church leadership positions? Exactly. I know there was Joseph F Smith and Joseph Fielding Smith but come on! I know that if you get into genealogy you'll occasionally find that your ancestors sometimes suffered from bouts of lack of creativity when it came to naming children. But it's not a regular issue of confusion of persons.
I believe that the real reason we do the initial thing is to make mere men called to church leadership seem more important, to seem to have a larger stature than the common parishiner, but do we really need that? We need to invest in pride? I can accept having a prophet named Hank just as well as I can accept one named Adam or Peter, or John. Will I listen to counsel because Howard W Hunter said it instead of Howard Hunter? I think not.
What's funny is that it is pervasive. Turn on KBYU. Look at any broadcast program there. If you have cable or satelite you can read the program description which read like this, "BYU Family Expo: Greg R Nobody discusses family dynamics using scriptures..." Greg is an accountant from Provo who is also a counselor in the local stake presidency. But who gives a care? How many folks were hoping that see Greg L Nobody? Whew! Thank goodness we saved them from showing up to the wrong fireside!
Am I crazy for thinking that our persisten, reverential use of the middle initials of church leaders is just a little weird?
Ok, this one may not have a lot of depth to it, but it's one of the oddest Mormon culture things I have come across. What is with our terribly weird fascination with middle initials (or first initials)? What you say? What do I mean?
I mean try saying out loud the name of any modern prophet, apostle, or even most general authorities. Did you say a single one with out saying the middle or first initial? Thomas S Monson, Gordon B Hinckley, Boyd K Packer, Henry B Eyring, even Dieter F Uchtdorf. Now try saying these names without the initial. Give these a try: Harold * Lee, Bruce * McConkie, * Tom Perry...Feel a little odd coming off the tongue? Yep, welcome to Initialville!
It's odd because we don't do that in regular life. EVER. Do you do that at work? Do you tell your co-worker, "Hey the general manager, you know, Phillip C Donalson, is coming by to visit tomorrow." Talk about weirdo speak. Do you ever sign your emails or letters with your middle initials? Do you ever use middle initials with political figures, with comments like, "Hey President Ronald W Reagan and President Bill J Clinton both had a lot of charisma..." Never-ever except in rare cases and then we usually invoke all initials (FDR, JFK, etc).
For a second reason, it's odd because how many Tommy Monson's, or Gordo Hinckley's, or Dieter Uchtdorf's do you know? And of all those, how many do you know have been called to church leadership positions? Exactly. I know there was Joseph F Smith and Joseph Fielding Smith but come on! I know that if you get into genealogy you'll occasionally find that your ancestors sometimes suffered from bouts of lack of creativity when it came to naming children. But it's not a regular issue of confusion of persons.
I believe that the real reason we do the initial thing is to make mere men called to church leadership seem more important, to seem to have a larger stature than the common parishiner, but do we really need that? We need to invest in pride? I can accept having a prophet named Hank just as well as I can accept one named Adam or Peter, or John. Will I listen to counsel because Howard W Hunter said it instead of Howard Hunter? I think not.
What's funny is that it is pervasive. Turn on KBYU. Look at any broadcast program there. If you have cable or satelite you can read the program description which read like this, "BYU Family Expo: Greg R Nobody discusses family dynamics using scriptures..." Greg is an accountant from Provo who is also a counselor in the local stake presidency. But who gives a care? How many folks were hoping that see Greg L Nobody? Whew! Thank goodness we saved them from showing up to the wrong fireside!
Am I crazy for thinking that our persisten, reverential use of the middle initials of church leaders is just a little weird?
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Truth #3 about marriage and dating for YM
For better, for worse
“Dearly Beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony…” Now, LDS temple weddings are not officiated using the traditional wedding vow, but that script does contain one phrase that inspires another truth about dating and marriage for LDS young men. The script goes on to say, “Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse…”
Ah, “for better, for worse”—a willingness to accept the fate that awaits you. A fate that you cannot easily escape once you start down the path of destiny. But the good news for you is that you can manage one particular aspect of fate, or you can at least prepare yourself for its inevitable revelation. You see, you will get older and uglier with time. Most of us reach the pinnacle of our appearance in our early twenties, maybe into our thirties, but after that it’s downhill from there. When we are young, our skin is fresh and supple. Our waistlines are trim. We appear vivacious, full of energy, healthy, and fun. But as you get older, you’ll get fatter (at least a little, maybe a lot). As you age, you’re likely to lose some of your hair. Or at least your hair will move from your head to your back and your ears and nose. That’s not a shock to you and it’s probably something that doesn’t really worry you very much.
But guess what—your beautiful girlfriend or bride will one day get older, too. She won’t lose her hair (probably) but she’ll probably put on a little weight, etc. One day her skin will be a little rougher than it is now, little fine lines and wrinkles may appear. Her hair will shine a little less each year, and she’ll become more of a “mom” and less of the vixen you first met.
The fact that we age and decline is not a fact young men question. It’s not a bad thing either. She won’t be any less attractive because of it. In fact, in many ways you’ll find her more physically attractive over time. You’ll be attracted to her, and not just because she is female, in proximity, and willing. When your 21-25, you’re attracted to just about anything female or easy. As you get older, you’ll discover that you need a partner and not just an object. The good news is that if you choose your wife carefully and thoughtfully, you’ll have a partner you find attractive your whole life through.
But some young grooms delude themselves into believing that their bride-to-be will either never age, or will look like Jennifer Aniston when she’s 40-ish. When she is not looking as hot just a couple years down the road, they become upset and their lust wanes. Dude, she won’t always be 19. That’s highly unlikely (unless you kill and stuff her like a lion shortly after the wedding ceremony, but that’s oftly morbid—think of where that line of thinking will take you...). Just like the short story “A Rose for Emily”—yikes!
Now, I mentioned that you can manage the fate of what your bride will look like as she ages or you can at least prepare yourself for it. How you ask? By learning to accept the highly likely truth that your bride will look more and more like her mother as she ages. And that, my young protégés, is why we started off with “for better, for worse”.
So what does the highly likely truth mean for you? It means that one day you’ll be laying next to your mother-in-law one day (kinda). Are you ok with that? You had better be.
The reason I’m bringing this truth to your attention is this: If you are a male with normal levels of testosterone, then “looks” are a significant consideration in the girls you initially choose to pursue. Because of your testosterone, you’re perfectly willing to overlook many more important traits and characteristics to find that someone that makes you turn your head. You’re not likely to be assessing the single girls who meet by their ability to discuss geopolitics or art (although you should be). Sadly, at this point, you probably don’t care if she is financially prudent. You probably don’t care if she is interested in being a supportive wife. You probably don’t care if she can cook or not. You probably don’t care if she will be a good parent to your spawn. In all reality, you’re a stupid, mindless predator who can’t think much beyond your physical interests. You’re a walking shark!
So, since you are like a shark, we need to teach you to gather some perspective and take the long view. You need to prioritize appearance. There is more to life than just how she looks right now. You certainly want to find a bride who is cute, good looking, etc. You want there to be genuine physical attraction. More importantly, you need to find somebody you respect—intellectually, emotionally, philosophically. It needs to be a balanced choice because if all you do is choose a girl because of her measurements—you’re highly likely to later consider putting a gun to your head as she prattles on endlessly about Spencer and Heidi (unless you’re into “The Hills” type stuff). If you have to explain to your wife that buffalo wings come from chickens, you’re in for a tortuous marriage to a talking blow up doll who spends all of your money.
If you’re lucky like me, you’ll be able to find a bride who is both smart and very good looking. You’ll find lasting dimensions that bond you together and create a whole picture that works. You’ll have a woman that comes together to be better than any individual element. Her good looks will conceal minor character deficiencies; conversely, her smarts or charm will conceal those fine lines gathering near her eyes. By the way, you better damn well hope this is true for you—because if it isn’t, then it’s highly likely she’ll be dumping you as you uglify.
However, if “looks” really is your #1 consideration, you need to factor this in. You need to try to calculate how much the present and future appearance of your bride affects you. If you mother-in-law has cankles, then you’re bride is highly likely to have cankles, too, one day. If your mother-in-law is fit and trim as a mature woman, your bride will likely be trim as a mature woman. If the mother-in-law is large enough to cast a shadow over a small parking lot, then guess what?—so will your girlfriend! If your mother-in-law is a pleasant looking matriarch, then you’re highly likely to be in good fortune.
My paternal genes mean that I am highly likely to have bushy eyebrows. I can’t tell you how often my wife has made some off-hand, unintentional comment about them and I end up in a closet weeping for hours, eating bag after bag of Cheetos, pulling at my eyebrows and wishing I could just be perfect……whoa…that…uh…should have stayed a secret. Moving on...
I just feel sorry for the dude that marries an empty-headed piece of eye candy, only to discover that she became (rather soon) became an empty-headed regurgitated hairball.
One last point about aging—women all experience it differently. Some age very slowly, while others seem to be aging at the rate of 3 years for 1. So, your mother-in-law holds some clue as to how your wife will age. Just take it in stride. The fact is that nature will take its course—for better, for worse.
Now here’s an important caveat: I’m not saying that your wife won’t take better care of herself or isn’t genetically disposed to look at least a little different than her mother. Yes, some women take more genetic cues from their father and his side of the family. But most of us look like our parents as we get older—it’s very highly likely. Each individual can work on themselves and present the best of self possible. But, for example, if you’re mother-in-law is heavy, then your wife is highly likely to have to struggle to not be. She may stay trim, but it won’t be effortless. So, if you are so shallow that you can’t deal with the idea of you bride being heavier than she is today, then you had better meet her mom and see what you’re in for.
Secondary note: This was a very difficult topic to write—lots of ideas to organize. I’m not sure that I have it really finished yet. The first draft of this caused me to become abstinent…
“Dearly Beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony…” Now, LDS temple weddings are not officiated using the traditional wedding vow, but that script does contain one phrase that inspires another truth about dating and marriage for LDS young men. The script goes on to say, “Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse…”
Ah, “for better, for worse”—a willingness to accept the fate that awaits you. A fate that you cannot easily escape once you start down the path of destiny. But the good news for you is that you can manage one particular aspect of fate, or you can at least prepare yourself for its inevitable revelation. You see, you will get older and uglier with time. Most of us reach the pinnacle of our appearance in our early twenties, maybe into our thirties, but after that it’s downhill from there. When we are young, our skin is fresh and supple. Our waistlines are trim. We appear vivacious, full of energy, healthy, and fun. But as you get older, you’ll get fatter (at least a little, maybe a lot). As you age, you’re likely to lose some of your hair. Or at least your hair will move from your head to your back and your ears and nose. That’s not a shock to you and it’s probably something that doesn’t really worry you very much.
But guess what—your beautiful girlfriend or bride will one day get older, too. She won’t lose her hair (probably) but she’ll probably put on a little weight, etc. One day her skin will be a little rougher than it is now, little fine lines and wrinkles may appear. Her hair will shine a little less each year, and she’ll become more of a “mom” and less of the vixen you first met.
The fact that we age and decline is not a fact young men question. It’s not a bad thing either. She won’t be any less attractive because of it. In fact, in many ways you’ll find her more physically attractive over time. You’ll be attracted to her, and not just because she is female, in proximity, and willing. When your 21-25, you’re attracted to just about anything female or easy. As you get older, you’ll discover that you need a partner and not just an object. The good news is that if you choose your wife carefully and thoughtfully, you’ll have a partner you find attractive your whole life through.
But some young grooms delude themselves into believing that their bride-to-be will either never age, or will look like Jennifer Aniston when she’s 40-ish. When she is not looking as hot just a couple years down the road, they become upset and their lust wanes. Dude, she won’t always be 19. That’s highly unlikely (unless you kill and stuff her like a lion shortly after the wedding ceremony, but that’s oftly morbid—think of where that line of thinking will take you...). Just like the short story “A Rose for Emily”—yikes!
Now, I mentioned that you can manage the fate of what your bride will look like as she ages or you can at least prepare yourself for it. How you ask? By learning to accept the highly likely truth that your bride will look more and more like her mother as she ages. And that, my young protégés, is why we started off with “for better, for worse”.
So what does the highly likely truth mean for you? It means that one day you’ll be laying next to your mother-in-law one day (kinda). Are you ok with that? You had better be.
The reason I’m bringing this truth to your attention is this: If you are a male with normal levels of testosterone, then “looks” are a significant consideration in the girls you initially choose to pursue. Because of your testosterone, you’re perfectly willing to overlook many more important traits and characteristics to find that someone that makes you turn your head. You’re not likely to be assessing the single girls who meet by their ability to discuss geopolitics or art (although you should be). Sadly, at this point, you probably don’t care if she is financially prudent. You probably don’t care if she is interested in being a supportive wife. You probably don’t care if she can cook or not. You probably don’t care if she will be a good parent to your spawn. In all reality, you’re a stupid, mindless predator who can’t think much beyond your physical interests. You’re a walking shark!
So, since you are like a shark, we need to teach you to gather some perspective and take the long view. You need to prioritize appearance. There is more to life than just how she looks right now. You certainly want to find a bride who is cute, good looking, etc. You want there to be genuine physical attraction. More importantly, you need to find somebody you respect—intellectually, emotionally, philosophically. It needs to be a balanced choice because if all you do is choose a girl because of her measurements—you’re highly likely to later consider putting a gun to your head as she prattles on endlessly about Spencer and Heidi (unless you’re into “The Hills” type stuff). If you have to explain to your wife that buffalo wings come from chickens, you’re in for a tortuous marriage to a talking blow up doll who spends all of your money.
If you’re lucky like me, you’ll be able to find a bride who is both smart and very good looking. You’ll find lasting dimensions that bond you together and create a whole picture that works. You’ll have a woman that comes together to be better than any individual element. Her good looks will conceal minor character deficiencies; conversely, her smarts or charm will conceal those fine lines gathering near her eyes. By the way, you better damn well hope this is true for you—because if it isn’t, then it’s highly likely she’ll be dumping you as you uglify.
However, if “looks” really is your #1 consideration, you need to factor this in. You need to try to calculate how much the present and future appearance of your bride affects you. If you mother-in-law has cankles, then you’re bride is highly likely to have cankles, too, one day. If your mother-in-law is fit and trim as a mature woman, your bride will likely be trim as a mature woman. If the mother-in-law is large enough to cast a shadow over a small parking lot, then guess what?—so will your girlfriend! If your mother-in-law is a pleasant looking matriarch, then you’re highly likely to be in good fortune.
My paternal genes mean that I am highly likely to have bushy eyebrows. I can’t tell you how often my wife has made some off-hand, unintentional comment about them and I end up in a closet weeping for hours, eating bag after bag of Cheetos, pulling at my eyebrows and wishing I could just be perfect……whoa…that…uh…should have stayed a secret. Moving on...
I just feel sorry for the dude that marries an empty-headed piece of eye candy, only to discover that she became (rather soon) became an empty-headed regurgitated hairball.
One last point about aging—women all experience it differently. Some age very slowly, while others seem to be aging at the rate of 3 years for 1. So, your mother-in-law holds some clue as to how your wife will age. Just take it in stride. The fact is that nature will take its course—for better, for worse.
Now here’s an important caveat: I’m not saying that your wife won’t take better care of herself or isn’t genetically disposed to look at least a little different than her mother. Yes, some women take more genetic cues from their father and his side of the family. But most of us look like our parents as we get older—it’s very highly likely. Each individual can work on themselves and present the best of self possible. But, for example, if you’re mother-in-law is heavy, then your wife is highly likely to have to struggle to not be. She may stay trim, but it won’t be effortless. So, if you are so shallow that you can’t deal with the idea of you bride being heavier than she is today, then you had better meet her mom and see what you’re in for.
Secondary note: This was a very difficult topic to write—lots of ideas to organize. I’m not sure that I have it really finished yet. The first draft of this caused me to become abstinent…
Sunday, May 31, 2009
New Feature--Truth or Rant?
Ok, I have gotten some ideas and suggestions from readers about topics that need to be aired, but perhaps don't fit into the whole "7" concept. Most of them are just short topics or frustrations that just don't make any sense. But that shouldn't keep them from being put out there. Some readers have even asked if they could write one up and have it posted. I'm very fine with that. If you have one that you'd like to see put up here, then send it to me and I'll put it up (I'll even hide your identity if you're too scared to attach your name to it). Heck most of you won't even post a comment (chickens!!!) Send it to ldstruthteller@gmail.com.
So, here's one that I thought we would start with this one: Calling secrecy! Why is that our church culture feels the need to guard up-coming callings a secret? I mean, we Mormons will flat out lie to one another just so that they don't know that we have been asked to accept a calling. You would think that receiving a calling was akin to a temple ceremony...It's a lovely part of our obedience to the commandments or not...Leviticus 6:1-4, "And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, If a soul sin, and commit a trespass against the LORD, and lie unto his neighbour…or hath deceived his neighbour…and lieth concerning it, and sweareth falsely; in any of all these that a man doeth, sinning therein: Then it shall be, because he hath sinned, and is guilty."
I mean who hasn't been in this situation: Your neighbor meets with a bishopric member on Wednesday night. You know that they have some callings to fill as some ward members are moving out. You casually ask, "So, what did they want to meet with you about?" Neighbor says, "Oh nothing." Seems fishy. You counter, "Don't they have a bunch of open callings? Are you getting a calling on Sunday?" Neighbor responds, "Oh no. We were just umm, umm, umm chatting about my kids baptism next...year."
What's the worst that could happen if they told you? Oh no! Somebody knows I'm going to be the CTR 6 primary teacher 2 days before they sustain me in church--aaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! The church isn't true anymore. People know and that means that....I don't know but it can't be good. I don't even know if I should put it in my journal yet!!! Yikes!
Or how about something like this: You're about to be released from a significant leadership calling because you're moving to a different state. You're thinking, boy it would be nice to communicate with the new person before I leave so that I can share some useful information with them. So you ask the bishopric member --who is being called? Most times they will get either a panicked or annoyed face and thenstonewall. They want to say, "I can't tell you because it's a secret" but even they know that sounds stupid. So they say something about "We're still working on it..." or the like. But the thing is the person being called, has been called and accepted. There's no mystery here--Sunday just hasn't happened next.
Really, what difference does it make? How will it hurt anything? I understand the whole thing about not publicizing who was asked and either did not accept or wasn't able to accept for some reason. I don't even have a problem with the bishopric member saying something like, "Hey while it is not a secret, I'd appreciate you keeping this on a need to know basis because..." But I defy someone to explain why we have to keep up-coming callings a temple-like secret.
So, here's one that I thought we would start with this one: Calling secrecy! Why is that our church culture feels the need to guard up-coming callings a secret? I mean, we Mormons will flat out lie to one another just so that they don't know that we have been asked to accept a calling. You would think that receiving a calling was akin to a temple ceremony...It's a lovely part of our obedience to the commandments or not...Leviticus 6:1-4, "And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, If a soul sin, and commit a trespass against the LORD, and lie unto his neighbour…or hath deceived his neighbour…and lieth concerning it, and sweareth falsely; in any of all these that a man doeth, sinning therein: Then it shall be, because he hath sinned, and is guilty."
I mean who hasn't been in this situation: Your neighbor meets with a bishopric member on Wednesday night. You know that they have some callings to fill as some ward members are moving out. You casually ask, "So, what did they want to meet with you about?" Neighbor says, "Oh nothing." Seems fishy. You counter, "Don't they have a bunch of open callings? Are you getting a calling on Sunday?" Neighbor responds, "Oh no. We were just umm, umm, umm chatting about my kids baptism next...year."
What's the worst that could happen if they told you? Oh no! Somebody knows I'm going to be the CTR 6 primary teacher 2 days before they sustain me in church--aaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! The church isn't true anymore. People know and that means that....I don't know but it can't be good. I don't even know if I should put it in my journal yet!!! Yikes!
Or how about something like this: You're about to be released from a significant leadership calling because you're moving to a different state. You're thinking, boy it would be nice to communicate with the new person before I leave so that I can share some useful information with them. So you ask the bishopric member --who is being called? Most times they will get either a panicked or annoyed face and thenstonewall. They want to say, "I can't tell you because it's a secret" but even they know that sounds stupid. So they say something about "We're still working on it..." or the like. But the thing is the person being called, has been called and accepted. There's no mystery here--Sunday just hasn't happened next.
Really, what difference does it make? How will it hurt anything? I understand the whole thing about not publicizing who was asked and either did not accept or wasn't able to accept for some reason. I don't even have a problem with the bishopric member saying something like, "Hey while it is not a secret, I'd appreciate you keeping this on a need to know basis because..." But I defy someone to explain why we have to keep up-coming callings a temple-like secret.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Truth #2 for YM about dating and marriage
No, you didn’t meet in heaven before you came to Earth…
Today we're going to help you do a little reality check before you propose to that girl that you've been dating for the last 3 weeks. Let's see if you are seeing things clearly...
She’s sweet. She is a pretty young woman. She is a righteous Latter Day Saint and wants what you want: to get married and start a family. But it’s even better than that. She is fun, she likes your jokes and thinks that the stupid handshake thing you do with your roommates is funny. She kisses you every time she see’s you and kisses you as much as you want. When it’s time to go watch a movie, you want to watch the same one-it’s like she’s the other half of your brain!
It’s incredible. You like the same music. TV watching is a breeze because you both love the same shows (Survivor, American Idol, and House!). As you talk about the future you find out that you both want the same number of kids. You both want to have 5 kids and name the first girl Khaylee Mackenzie (you even agree on the spelling!!!! OMG). There’s no way this is just good luck—it’s like it is destiny or fate. It's like she was created just for you and that you've just been passing time until you found her. It’s like you met her before you came to Earth—cue the Saturday’s Warrior soundtrack.
Well guess what? Dumb luck has smiled on you. I don’t know exactly what happened in the pre-existence, but I think that it’s highly unlikely that you met in heaven in the pre-existence, fell in love, then both came to Earth at the relative same time, were born in the same part of the world and ended up in circumstances that allowed you to meet and fall in love (again). Actually, I do know what happened in the pre-existence and we weren't on the pre-mortality dating circuit (I'll fill you in on the pre-existence on another day).
The highly likely truth is that there is no such thing as "one and only" true loves. The fact is that there are thousands of girls that you can be happily married to and many, if not most, of them will develop into a soul mate whom you feel like you couldn't live without. There is no destiny, no fate, no "remember to look for me when we get to earth" storylines.
I have to admit I can't wait for the responses to this one--nothing stirs the anger of the XX chromosome like attacking romantic love and destiny, etc. "What do you mean? Don't you love your wife?!?! I KNOW I was supposed to marrying Bob..."
First young man, let's look at the circumstances of your current relationship. Remember, you met her in that science lab—the Tuesday-Thursday science lab that you ended up registering for only because you couldn’t take a Monday-Wednesday afternoon lab because it interferred with you video game schedule. Sorry, but the Holy Ghost did not prompt to play Halo on your XBox to arrange this chance encounter. Enough of the sarcasm. The great girl you met 3 weeks ago probably isn’t your predestined, eternal soulmate. You shouldn’t go ahead and propose to her next weekend and get married in two months during the Christmas break.
Why are you so anxious to pair up? Why does your heart seem to scream “She’s the one!” Well, let’s review the obvious. You just spent two years telling anyone who would listen to you that having an eternal family is the ultimate source of joy, so you want to get married. She wants to get married. You’re probably between the ages of 21-25 and a virgin and that means you want to have sex. She is cute. As a good LDS, you can’t have sex without marriage. She seems like she is totally into you. You want to have sex. And it’s going so well. Did I mention that you have want to do the thing that makes babies?
I can’t wrap my head around eternity. But I can tell you what ten years is like and I can guess what 60-70 years is like. And while after 5 dates in the span of 9 days everything seems perfect and like she is everything you’ve been dreaming of, it’s not enough to know how it’s going to go for the long haul. And she doesn't know how you really act when you're not trying to impress her. Heck, you probably don’t even know how she handles her menstrual cycle. You need time to figure out whether you like each other when you're each on your not-so-good behavior. You need to know if you can sit together and not talk (or kiss) and be comfortable around one another. You need to see if you like being with one another after you run out of good date ideas. You need to see if you still want to be with her after you find out that the one hottie in your singles ward is now available and wants to go out with you. Take your time.
Last but not least, let's dispel the most controversial not-highly-likely truth related to this subject. Just because you get a good feeling when you prayed about marrying this girl, don't get the dumb idea that she is "THE ONE". The highly likely truth is that there is no such thing as "one and only" true loves and that means that when Heavenly Father gives you the green light after prayer all he is saying is that "Yes, this would be ok with me" (try saying that in a deep, steady voice--it actually works). We'll expand this topic one day but remember Heavenly Father doesn't only have a vocabulary limited to "yes" and no-answer (he's deity for Pete's sake!). So, she is not the one you have to marry. You simply can marry her. And she may very well be the one you ought to marry, but that doesn't mean that you have to do it right away, you know.
What you need to keep in mind is, happy hunting, take your time, and if the courtship doesn't make it to the temple doors, don't lose heart. She wasn't "THE ONE".
Today we're going to help you do a little reality check before you propose to that girl that you've been dating for the last 3 weeks. Let's see if you are seeing things clearly...
She’s sweet. She is a pretty young woman. She is a righteous Latter Day Saint and wants what you want: to get married and start a family. But it’s even better than that. She is fun, she likes your jokes and thinks that the stupid handshake thing you do with your roommates is funny. She kisses you every time she see’s you and kisses you as much as you want. When it’s time to go watch a movie, you want to watch the same one-it’s like she’s the other half of your brain!
It’s incredible. You like the same music. TV watching is a breeze because you both love the same shows (Survivor, American Idol, and House!). As you talk about the future you find out that you both want the same number of kids. You both want to have 5 kids and name the first girl Khaylee Mackenzie (you even agree on the spelling!!!! OMG). There’s no way this is just good luck—it’s like it is destiny or fate. It's like she was created just for you and that you've just been passing time until you found her. It’s like you met her before you came to Earth—cue the Saturday’s Warrior soundtrack.
Well guess what? Dumb luck has smiled on you. I don’t know exactly what happened in the pre-existence, but I think that it’s highly unlikely that you met in heaven in the pre-existence, fell in love, then both came to Earth at the relative same time, were born in the same part of the world and ended up in circumstances that allowed you to meet and fall in love (again). Actually, I do know what happened in the pre-existence and we weren't on the pre-mortality dating circuit (I'll fill you in on the pre-existence on another day).
The highly likely truth is that there is no such thing as "one and only" true loves. The fact is that there are thousands of girls that you can be happily married to and many, if not most, of them will develop into a soul mate whom you feel like you couldn't live without. There is no destiny, no fate, no "remember to look for me when we get to earth" storylines.
I have to admit I can't wait for the responses to this one--nothing stirs the anger of the XX chromosome like attacking romantic love and destiny, etc. "What do you mean? Don't you love your wife?!?! I KNOW I was supposed to marrying Bob..."
First young man, let's look at the circumstances of your current relationship. Remember, you met her in that science lab—the Tuesday-Thursday science lab that you ended up registering for only because you couldn’t take a Monday-Wednesday afternoon lab because it interferred with you video game schedule. Sorry, but the Holy Ghost did not prompt to play Halo on your XBox to arrange this chance encounter. Enough of the sarcasm. The great girl you met 3 weeks ago probably isn’t your predestined, eternal soulmate. You shouldn’t go ahead and propose to her next weekend and get married in two months during the Christmas break.
Why are you so anxious to pair up? Why does your heart seem to scream “She’s the one!” Well, let’s review the obvious. You just spent two years telling anyone who would listen to you that having an eternal family is the ultimate source of joy, so you want to get married. She wants to get married. You’re probably between the ages of 21-25 and a virgin and that means you want to have sex. She is cute. As a good LDS, you can’t have sex without marriage. She seems like she is totally into you. You want to have sex. And it’s going so well. Did I mention that you have want to do the thing that makes babies?
I can’t wrap my head around eternity. But I can tell you what ten years is like and I can guess what 60-70 years is like. And while after 5 dates in the span of 9 days everything seems perfect and like she is everything you’ve been dreaming of, it’s not enough to know how it’s going to go for the long haul. And she doesn't know how you really act when you're not trying to impress her. Heck, you probably don’t even know how she handles her menstrual cycle. You need time to figure out whether you like each other when you're each on your not-so-good behavior. You need to know if you can sit together and not talk (or kiss) and be comfortable around one another. You need to see if you like being with one another after you run out of good date ideas. You need to see if you still want to be with her after you find out that the one hottie in your singles ward is now available and wants to go out with you. Take your time.
Last but not least, let's dispel the most controversial not-highly-likely truth related to this subject. Just because you get a good feeling when you prayed about marrying this girl, don't get the dumb idea that she is "THE ONE". The highly likely truth is that there is no such thing as "one and only" true loves and that means that when Heavenly Father gives you the green light after prayer all he is saying is that "Yes, this would be ok with me" (try saying that in a deep, steady voice--it actually works). We'll expand this topic one day but remember Heavenly Father doesn't only have a vocabulary limited to "yes" and no-answer (he's deity for Pete's sake!). So, she is not the one you have to marry. You simply can marry her. And she may very well be the one you ought to marry, but that doesn't mean that you have to do it right away, you know.
What you need to keep in mind is, happy hunting, take your time, and if the courtship doesn't make it to the temple doors, don't lose heart. She wasn't "THE ONE".
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Truth #1 for YW about dating and marriage
He’s like a silly, faithful puppy
There’s a reason that they often refer to as young people dating as puppy love. It’s cute and innocent and sweet. It’s fun to imagine and think about. Old people reminisce about the days when they were young. Your first crush holds a special place in most people’s memories. Just like a puppy. Puppies are cute and sweet and they just seem like so much fun. We all remember our first puppy. When you play with a puppy, they just can’t seem to get enough of you. They make you happy. You see where I am going with this, don’t you?
The sad fact is that the 18 to 19 year old boy you’re dating is a puppy. He’s not the “man of your dreams”. He’s not close to becoming a man (even if he does have to shave every day). He’s not even useful like a steer, mule, or horse. He can barely afford to pay for his gas and take you places. But on the bright side, he is a bouncing puppy dog. And puppies are cute and fun!
But before you decide that this is the puppy that you want to keep forever, let’s keep a few things in mind. The boy you are dating now is just a puppy. He has the emotional and physical maturity of a puppy. He thinks of little more than eating, playing with toys, sleeping, and licking and kissing girl puppies (c’mon, this is a family friendly blog…). He even bounces around like a puppy when he is around you.
And while he is cute in his own way, let’s not confuse him with Brad Pitt. Just like a puppy is cute because of his oversized paws and big floppy ears, your boyfriend is likely to be a little pimply, a little pencil-neck like. He probably has big oversized paws, too.
Now this puppy really likes you (even when he pretends not to—that’s part of playing that he’s so into). Like the puppy in the window at the pet store that is sure that every passerby is going to stop and take him home, your puppy has the same sort of stupid, ignorant faith in a warm smile.
And like a cuuute little puuupppy (insert image of you cuddling a little pooch), you love him very much and want to see him bounce around and wag his tail ferociously. You notice the more you stroke his head and pay attention to him, he wags his tail even more. Encouraged by this, you want to seal that bond by letting him know that you’ll take good care of him and make him happy. So, you might say something like, “I love you and I’ll wait for you to come back from your mission.”
Now that’s just mean—see Truth #1 for Young Men. He thinks that you’re going to wait for him. He’s a puppy, so he doesn’t know any better. You might figure, “this dumb little puppy is going to grow up one day and figure it out, isn’t he?” Unfortunately, he probably won’t.
Now, you aren’t obligated to wait for him. You can dump him. In many ways, it might be the best thing that you could do for him. First, he ought to be concentrating on what he’s doing (serving a mission hopefully); second, you need to go through at least one or two relationships before you get married. You’re probably his first steady girlfriend, so you’re going to help him go through the process.
Dumping him is good for you, too. We’ll discuss this in detail in later chapters, but you’re going to trade up to something better and you need a little time to refine and prepare, too. The good news for you is that the men you will choose from will have forgotten about being a puppy (and their experience of being dropped off at the pound by a girlfriend). In fact, they are eager to reap a revenge of sorts and marry someone just like you as soon as they can.
So, play with your puppy. Enjoy your puppy now because he won’t always be a cute, weird little fur ball. Don’t make him think you’re going to take him home from the pet store. And look forward to the day when you’ll find something worth keeping.
There’s a reason that they often refer to as young people dating as puppy love. It’s cute and innocent and sweet. It’s fun to imagine and think about. Old people reminisce about the days when they were young. Your first crush holds a special place in most people’s memories. Just like a puppy. Puppies are cute and sweet and they just seem like so much fun. We all remember our first puppy. When you play with a puppy, they just can’t seem to get enough of you. They make you happy. You see where I am going with this, don’t you?
The sad fact is that the 18 to 19 year old boy you’re dating is a puppy. He’s not the “man of your dreams”. He’s not close to becoming a man (even if he does have to shave every day). He’s not even useful like a steer, mule, or horse. He can barely afford to pay for his gas and take you places. But on the bright side, he is a bouncing puppy dog. And puppies are cute and fun!
But before you decide that this is the puppy that you want to keep forever, let’s keep a few things in mind. The boy you are dating now is just a puppy. He has the emotional and physical maturity of a puppy. He thinks of little more than eating, playing with toys, sleeping, and licking and kissing girl puppies (c’mon, this is a family friendly blog…). He even bounces around like a puppy when he is around you.
And while he is cute in his own way, let’s not confuse him with Brad Pitt. Just like a puppy is cute because of his oversized paws and big floppy ears, your boyfriend is likely to be a little pimply, a little pencil-neck like. He probably has big oversized paws, too.
Now this puppy really likes you (even when he pretends not to—that’s part of playing that he’s so into). Like the puppy in the window at the pet store that is sure that every passerby is going to stop and take him home, your puppy has the same sort of stupid, ignorant faith in a warm smile.
And like a cuuute little puuupppy (insert image of you cuddling a little pooch), you love him very much and want to see him bounce around and wag his tail ferociously. You notice the more you stroke his head and pay attention to him, he wags his tail even more. Encouraged by this, you want to seal that bond by letting him know that you’ll take good care of him and make him happy. So, you might say something like, “I love you and I’ll wait for you to come back from your mission.”
Now that’s just mean—see Truth #1 for Young Men. He thinks that you’re going to wait for him. He’s a puppy, so he doesn’t know any better. You might figure, “this dumb little puppy is going to grow up one day and figure it out, isn’t he?” Unfortunately, he probably won’t.
Now, you aren’t obligated to wait for him. You can dump him. In many ways, it might be the best thing that you could do for him. First, he ought to be concentrating on what he’s doing (serving a mission hopefully); second, you need to go through at least one or two relationships before you get married. You’re probably his first steady girlfriend, so you’re going to help him go through the process.
Dumping him is good for you, too. We’ll discuss this in detail in later chapters, but you’re going to trade up to something better and you need a little time to refine and prepare, too. The good news for you is that the men you will choose from will have forgotten about being a puppy (and their experience of being dropped off at the pound by a girlfriend). In fact, they are eager to reap a revenge of sorts and marry someone just like you as soon as they can.
So, play with your puppy. Enjoy your puppy now because he won’t always be a cute, weird little fur ball. Don’t make him think you’re going to take him home from the pet store. And look forward to the day when you’ll find something worth keeping.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Truth #1 for YM about dating and marriage
She won’t wait for you; She won’t wait for him either
It’s such a timeless scene. The young, fresh faced 19 year old young man arrives at the airport ready to fly to the Missionary Training Center. He has been recently set apart as a missionary and is ready to take on the world. His parents, primary teachers, and young men’s leaders have prepared him for this day. He is ready to convert the world and bring salvation to Guatemala (or wherever he’s going).
As he makes his goodbyes to family and friends, he turns to his sweetheart and gives her the “handshake”. This handshake is unlike any other handshake that he has exchanged before. It lingers longer, its firmness is matched an intense tenderness. And while he longs to put his arms around her for one last embrace, he refrains and obeys the mission rules. He loves her (or so he thinks) and wants to be with her. He leaves her because he loves her and because she has declared that she will only marry an RM.
How does he manage this? How can he leave her? How can he resist putting his arms around her and kissing her one more time? He can do all of these things because of a promise: “I will wait for you”.
This is one of the most likely truths that young LDS men discover in dating and marriage—No, she probably won’t wait for you. Actually, let me put the highly likely truth right out there: She will NOT wait for you. I know what you’re thinking, “But she’s different!” Let my little green friend Yoda tell you: “Wait for you, she will not.”
The list of young men who have been Dear John’d is long and distinguished. It continues to grow each year. No matter how many times she tells you she loves you and awaits your return, no matter how many care packages she sends, no matter how often she writes you, she won’t make it.
The sad or frustrating thing about it is that she means it when she says it. Really, she is being sincere and wants to wait for you, but like an alcoholic let loose at a free Octoberfest celebration, she will fall off the wagon. Of course, you’ll find the occasional exception to this rule. But remember, my son, the title of this book isn’t 7 totally infallible truths; it’s 7 highly likely truths. So while your maternal grandfather and grandmother waited for each other, it probably ain’t going to happen for you. But don’t lose heart. It’s really not your fault.
Think of the environment she’s living in. She’s preparing herself to become a wife and mother. Over 250 times on Sunday at Young Women’s meetings (6 years * 40-some weeks of regular church meetings) she has recited the Young Women’s values which includes: "We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values, we will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation." Said another way: “I am preparing to be a wife and mother—it’s my purpose in life.”
Her sisters, friends, and roommates are meeting RMs and getting married. She’s attending wedding showers and baby showers—she seeing the attention that those girls are getting right now. At best your offer is at least 24 months away; add in a possible wait of 1-9 months to proposal, and another 1-5 months to marriage and you are talking about 3 years from now. That’s an eternity to a young women (or young man for that matter). That’s like putting a meat snack on the floor and asking your bouncing puppy not to eat it all weekend long. Do you blame the puppy for eating it up?!?!?!? Of course not!
And in thinking about marrying you one day, she’s thinking about marriage in general and how much she wants that in her life. So your plans and intentions are contributing to your own downfall. It’s like a Greek tragedy and you're Oedipus (but in this case you’re not killing your father and marrying your mother).
So the best advice that we can give to you is to accept the highly likely truth. You can keep your girlfriend or you can dump her—just don’t lose your heart and mind to the delusion that you’ll be marrying her one day. If you can just accept that, you’ll be able to focus better on your mission and have a better opinion of women in general.
But here’s the good news buddy—when you get home you’ll be the guy who is convincing the lady of your choice that she shouldn’t wait for her missionary. It doesn’t take much for you to remove the other guy from her daily thoughts. The best way to succeed is to ask her out a bunch. Between her normal routine of either going to school or working (or both), she’ll now have to think about what to wear on those dates, and whether or not you’ll be a good kisser, and if you’re sufficiently similar to her dad, and telling her friends about her new boyfriend, etc. that she won’t have time to write to or think the other sap 6,189 miles away. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel! From what I’ve heard, the ones who are waiting are almost the easiest ones to snatch up. So, just be patient until you get home and then, “Happy Hunting!”
It’s such a timeless scene. The young, fresh faced 19 year old young man arrives at the airport ready to fly to the Missionary Training Center. He has been recently set apart as a missionary and is ready to take on the world. His parents, primary teachers, and young men’s leaders have prepared him for this day. He is ready to convert the world and bring salvation to Guatemala (or wherever he’s going).
As he makes his goodbyes to family and friends, he turns to his sweetheart and gives her the “handshake”. This handshake is unlike any other handshake that he has exchanged before. It lingers longer, its firmness is matched an intense tenderness. And while he longs to put his arms around her for one last embrace, he refrains and obeys the mission rules. He loves her (or so he thinks) and wants to be with her. He leaves her because he loves her and because she has declared that she will only marry an RM.
How does he manage this? How can he leave her? How can he resist putting his arms around her and kissing her one more time? He can do all of these things because of a promise: “I will wait for you”.
This is one of the most likely truths that young LDS men discover in dating and marriage—No, she probably won’t wait for you. Actually, let me put the highly likely truth right out there: She will NOT wait for you. I know what you’re thinking, “But she’s different!” Let my little green friend Yoda tell you: “Wait for you, she will not.”
The list of young men who have been Dear John’d is long and distinguished. It continues to grow each year. No matter how many times she tells you she loves you and awaits your return, no matter how many care packages she sends, no matter how often she writes you, she won’t make it.
The sad or frustrating thing about it is that she means it when she says it. Really, she is being sincere and wants to wait for you, but like an alcoholic let loose at a free Octoberfest celebration, she will fall off the wagon. Of course, you’ll find the occasional exception to this rule. But remember, my son, the title of this book isn’t 7 totally infallible truths; it’s 7 highly likely truths. So while your maternal grandfather and grandmother waited for each other, it probably ain’t going to happen for you. But don’t lose heart. It’s really not your fault.
Think of the environment she’s living in. She’s preparing herself to become a wife and mother. Over 250 times on Sunday at Young Women’s meetings (6 years * 40-some weeks of regular church meetings) she has recited the Young Women’s values which includes: "We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values, we will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation." Said another way: “I am preparing to be a wife and mother—it’s my purpose in life.”
Her sisters, friends, and roommates are meeting RMs and getting married. She’s attending wedding showers and baby showers—she seeing the attention that those girls are getting right now. At best your offer is at least 24 months away; add in a possible wait of 1-9 months to proposal, and another 1-5 months to marriage and you are talking about 3 years from now. That’s an eternity to a young women (or young man for that matter). That’s like putting a meat snack on the floor and asking your bouncing puppy not to eat it all weekend long. Do you blame the puppy for eating it up?!?!?!? Of course not!
And in thinking about marrying you one day, she’s thinking about marriage in general and how much she wants that in her life. So your plans and intentions are contributing to your own downfall. It’s like a Greek tragedy and you're Oedipus (but in this case you’re not killing your father and marrying your mother).
So the best advice that we can give to you is to accept the highly likely truth. You can keep your girlfriend or you can dump her—just don’t lose your heart and mind to the delusion that you’ll be marrying her one day. If you can just accept that, you’ll be able to focus better on your mission and have a better opinion of women in general.
But here’s the good news buddy—when you get home you’ll be the guy who is convincing the lady of your choice that she shouldn’t wait for her missionary. It doesn’t take much for you to remove the other guy from her daily thoughts. The best way to succeed is to ask her out a bunch. Between her normal routine of either going to school or working (or both), she’ll now have to think about what to wear on those dates, and whether or not you’ll be a good kisser, and if you’re sufficiently similar to her dad, and telling her friends about her new boyfriend, etc. that she won’t have time to write to or think the other sap 6,189 miles away. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel! From what I’ve heard, the ones who are waiting are almost the easiest ones to snatch up. So, just be patient until you get home and then, “Happy Hunting!”
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