Tuesday, December 15, 2009
More on the Christmas truth
Sorry to all of our friends that I've now offended, but I had been trying to write that song myself. In the spirit of the song, I'd like to publish our family letter now:
Dear Friends,
This year has just been so much fun and action packed. We're sorry that we haven't been able to see you as much as we would like, but we've been really busy being a happier and more productive family than yours. Of couse, we'll fill you in on the all of the details.
Will, our hardworking breadwinner, not only impressed his boss and earned a major promotion and raise, he also discovered a cure for 3 types of cancer. And while that was a source of personal pride, he feels like his real accomplishment was rescuing 64 orphans from an orphanage in Mongolia. You see, he was able to teach the local Mongol famers how to produce a larger crop, so now those farmers can raise enough crops to feed their entire families and keep their children. But you'd hardly know it (unless you visit his Facebook, MySpace, Blogspot, or Twitter feeds...).
Melissa, our domestic diva, has been a busy housewife and mother. First, she was able to expand and include a small field of wheat, so we now can GROW and GRIND our own wheat. Next year she hopes to add a crop of quinoa. After that, she took some time to complete her PhD in astrophysics--it's been a hobby that she just wanted to put to bed for once and for all. Thanks to some self study, she made some discoveries and made some real progress on our geneaology. We're now tracked back 31 generations; not where she wants it to be, but she's confident that she'll get farther after she makes her visits to Ireland, Romania, and Iran to visit geneaology and antiquities libraries.
Ethan turned 8 and was baptized. He is really enjoying school. He has taken a likening to mathematics and after a little effort, was able to provide the proof for the Poincare Conjecture (it earned him a nomination for the Nobel Prize for Mathematics). Instead of a birthday party, he asked if we could donate a bunch of toys to a local shelter.
Madeliene really out did herself this year. Not only was she accepted to the National Ballet Academy, but she earned early admission to BYU, Yale, and Stanford. How she ever found time to volunteer to clean wild fowl who have been harmed by oil spills is beyond us!
Ashley turned 3 and really blossomed. After she finished reading Charlotte's Web all by herself, she informed the family that we are no longer eating pork--what a cutie! After her piano recital at Symphony Hall in Phoenix (where she played a Mozart and an Ashley-composed concerto), she led the family down the local blood bank for a family donation. She gave a whole pint!
Jacob may be the last in the family, but he is not the least. This year he learned to walk, play the Wii and become a Guitar Hero star. He enjoyed the music playing so much, we bought him a tiny violin and set him loose. While he can read music, he prefers to play by ear or compose his own songs...
We hope that all is well with you. You know that it will be well for us!
Dear Friends,
This year has just been so much fun and action packed. We're sorry that we haven't been able to see you as much as we would like, but we've been really busy being a happier and more productive family than yours. Of couse, we'll fill you in on the all of the details.
Will, our hardworking breadwinner, not only impressed his boss and earned a major promotion and raise, he also discovered a cure for 3 types of cancer. And while that was a source of personal pride, he feels like his real accomplishment was rescuing 64 orphans from an orphanage in Mongolia. You see, he was able to teach the local Mongol famers how to produce a larger crop, so now those farmers can raise enough crops to feed their entire families and keep their children. But you'd hardly know it (unless you visit his Facebook, MySpace, Blogspot, or Twitter feeds...).
Melissa, our domestic diva, has been a busy housewife and mother. First, she was able to expand and include a small field of wheat, so we now can GROW and GRIND our own wheat. Next year she hopes to add a crop of quinoa. After that, she took some time to complete her PhD in astrophysics--it's been a hobby that she just wanted to put to bed for once and for all. Thanks to some self study, she made some discoveries and made some real progress on our geneaology. We're now tracked back 31 generations; not where she wants it to be, but she's confident that she'll get farther after she makes her visits to Ireland, Romania, and Iran to visit geneaology and antiquities libraries.
Ethan turned 8 and was baptized. He is really enjoying school. He has taken a likening to mathematics and after a little effort, was able to provide the proof for the Poincare Conjecture (it earned him a nomination for the Nobel Prize for Mathematics). Instead of a birthday party, he asked if we could donate a bunch of toys to a local shelter.
Madeliene really out did herself this year. Not only was she accepted to the National Ballet Academy, but she earned early admission to BYU, Yale, and Stanford. How she ever found time to volunteer to clean wild fowl who have been harmed by oil spills is beyond us!
Ashley turned 3 and really blossomed. After she finished reading Charlotte's Web all by herself, she informed the family that we are no longer eating pork--what a cutie! After her piano recital at Symphony Hall in Phoenix (where she played a Mozart and an Ashley-composed concerto), she led the family down the local blood bank for a family donation. She gave a whole pint!
Jacob may be the last in the family, but he is not the least. This year he learned to walk, play the Wii and become a Guitar Hero star. He enjoyed the music playing so much, we bought him a tiny violin and set him loose. While he can read music, he prefers to play by ear or compose his own songs...
We hope that all is well with you. You know that it will be well for us!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Truth #5 about dating and marriage for YM
There are about 184 reasons not to get married...
there are also about 34 reasons why you should get married (you're waiting to hear them, aren't you; well, I will reveal all 218 in another post). Today we will discuss one of the more useful reasons for getting married, although you may not be able to appreciate it until you're much older. Basically young man, this post is coming from your older, future self, visiting from 40 or 50 years down the road. I'm going to channel the best advice from your older self (I'll force him to stay on topic, not use "mission" stories to illustrate his point, etc.).
Your future self wants you to know that you need to get married to help you shut up (at least sometimes). The unfortunate highly likely truth is that because you have are a male, you have an innate ability and strong desire to say stupid, offensive things. You feel compelled to make asinine comments about others; you want to blurt out objectionable and innappropriate comments (usually involving sex, sex organs, sexual innuendo, the other guy's mother, etc); you can't seem to stop yourself from egging on some one you are fighting with--if it was up to you, you'd keep arguing with that other guy even though it might very well result in you having a bunch of kidney bruises and a broken jaw. Heck, when you're really mad, you want to keep making inciting, infuriating comments even though you know that you may end up in the local prison lock-up next to a mexican drug lord that muled some kilos of crack across the border in some poor illegal immigrant's colon. Somewhere, deep within the folds of your brain there is some spot that generates this idiotic behavior and for some reason, it all seems like reasonable behavior (due to whoreosterone, perhaps?).
Sure, through some training (primary and young mens program), self mastery, and some healthy fear of pain and humiliation, you've learned how to control yourself to a generally respectable degree. But like drug addict, you're always just one bad line away from getting into trouble. When you're a youth or early teenager, this problem isn't much of a problem. You generally spend your time with other stumbling, bumbling kids who aren't much of a problem/threat and incidents are usually quickly forgetten.
But now you're starting to enter into real adulthood. Some very important things are starting to happen and these things have much longer term consequences. You're trying to find a mate. You're trying to start a career. You're trying to create circle of friends and acquaintances who will form the community in which your children will be raised.
You need to realize that getting into a fight now involves terms like "battery" and "assault", and means possible jail time (not suspension from junior high school). You need to realize that teasing your friend's sister with she is a "fat cow" when you're 11 is much different than making the same remark to Sister Warner. It's one thing to make a comment like, "man, you're girfriend is hot"; it's totally different when you say "man, you're wife has nice legs". You need to appreciate that you'll be living among adults who can choose to alienate you...
there are also about 34 reasons why you should get married (you're waiting to hear them, aren't you; well, I will reveal all 218 in another post). Today we will discuss one of the more useful reasons for getting married, although you may not be able to appreciate it until you're much older. Basically young man, this post is coming from your older, future self, visiting from 40 or 50 years down the road. I'm going to channel the best advice from your older self (I'll force him to stay on topic, not use "mission" stories to illustrate his point, etc.).
Your future self wants you to know that you need to get married to help you shut up (at least sometimes). The unfortunate highly likely truth is that because you have are a male, you have an innate ability and strong desire to say stupid, offensive things. You feel compelled to make asinine comments about others; you want to blurt out objectionable and innappropriate comments (usually involving sex, sex organs, sexual innuendo, the other guy's mother, etc); you can't seem to stop yourself from egging on some one you are fighting with--if it was up to you, you'd keep arguing with that other guy even though it might very well result in you having a bunch of kidney bruises and a broken jaw. Heck, when you're really mad, you want to keep making inciting, infuriating comments even though you know that you may end up in the local prison lock-up next to a mexican drug lord that muled some kilos of crack across the border in some poor illegal immigrant's colon. Somewhere, deep within the folds of your brain there is some spot that generates this idiotic behavior and for some reason, it all seems like reasonable behavior (due to whoreosterone, perhaps?).
Sure, through some training (primary and young mens program), self mastery, and some healthy fear of pain and humiliation, you've learned how to control yourself to a generally respectable degree. But like drug addict, you're always just one bad line away from getting into trouble. When you're a youth or early teenager, this problem isn't much of a problem. You generally spend your time with other stumbling, bumbling kids who aren't much of a problem/threat and incidents are usually quickly forgetten.
But now you're starting to enter into real adulthood. Some very important things are starting to happen and these things have much longer term consequences. You're trying to find a mate. You're trying to start a career. You're trying to create circle of friends and acquaintances who will form the community in which your children will be raised.
You need to realize that getting into a fight now involves terms like "battery" and "assault", and means possible jail time (not suspension from junior high school). You need to realize that teasing your friend's sister with she is a "fat cow" when you're 11 is much different than making the same remark to Sister Warner. It's one thing to make a comment like, "man, you're girfriend is hot"; it's totally different when you say "man, you're wife has nice legs". You need to appreciate that you'll be living among adults who can choose to alienate you...
This is especially true in your dating relationships and marriage. As you grow comfortable with you're partner, it's easy to relax and let the full force of your natural personality come out. But that's when you need to exercise even more restraint, otherwise life will be not so happy. Let's look at a few helpful examples:
1) You're watching the 2nd game of a double header of college football. You're wife asks you if it would be all right for her to leave the kids with you and go to a Pampered Chef party. After she finally gets your attention, your first thought is to say something like, "Hey that sounds like a good idea; an equally brilliant idea would be for me to insert an ice pick in my eye and spend $70 buying decoupage for the garage. Either way, I'll be more poor and still hungry..." While you are congratulating yourself on remembering the word "decoupage" (although you still don't know what it is), you're wife is quietly making a mental note to "have a headache" for the next 2 months.
2) Your girlfriend takes you to a clothing store. She wants to find some new pants. In an obvious attempt to get a compliment and be a little flirty, she asks you how her butt looks in a particular pair of jeans. Unfortunately, she picked the wrong pair for this analysis. Your natural inclination may be to say something like "You know, I appreciate the fact that you're not trying to attract other men now that we are dating. Really, I think that you look more and more like the mother of my future children every day now." Before you can get out "I was just making a joke" your girlfriend is texting your roommate to see if he wants to go out next weekend.
Both of these situations had easy responses--"Yes dear. That's great." True, not very creative and definitely not very witty, but very effective and safe. You have to realize that you are highly likely to ruin a good thing with your mouth. Your wife won't mind you buying the NBA package on DirectTV when you choose to not mock her Pampered Chef party. You won't have to go to "Twilight" or "New Moon" to meet girls and hopefully get a girlfriend if you can hold back the sarcasm (warning--there are a lot of married moms at those types of movies, so be careful who you choose to sit next to...).
But let's get to the fact of the matter. Your wife is pretty forgiving. You're likely to be on good behavior while you're dating. But you're highly likely to say something stupid to another grown up. That's why you need to get married. You need to have a help meet you can elbow you just before you tell Julie Healy "Well, if my wife doesn't keep me happy, if you know what I mean, then I'm gonna find me a little sugar somewhere else" because, even though you don't know it, Julie's husband just told her 2 months ago that he had an affair. You need to have someone to help you filter your anger and frustration. Before you march on over to So-and-So's house and tell them off, you can have her listen to your "brilliant" insult and then direct you to the couch and TV remote. A good wife knows when you to coax you out of a conversation and room (using her feminie wiles, if necessary) to prevent you from making some incredibly stupid remark. Having your wife present at the church softball game will make you much less likely to tell the opposing ward's bishop that "your momma's like a vacuum cleaner..." after he tags you late but insists you're out.
Heck, she may even be able to convince you not to post your stupid ramblings in a blog...
Friday, October 2, 2009
Truth #5 for YW about dating & marriage
…or are you just happy to see me?
Hopefully dears, your mothers have already had the "Birds and the Bees" talk with you; if not, then you need to find a friend or relative that has “known man” to give you the 411. This infamous discussion—how it might have happened to you, what you should do for your daughters and sons—deserves its very own post. Today, we’ll give you some insight into your love life as a married woman, and more specifically, your lover.
Ahhh intimacy—it’s a delicate matter. Don’t worry, I’m not going to get into anything nasty. Just some basic biology you should know. During this post, I’ll usually reference the subject matter as “intimacy” instead of “sex”. I like the word “sex”; I like the way it sounds; I also like how the word makes my fellow mormons uncomfortable (there are adults who have “known” the opposite gender and spawned many children yet are made uncomfortable by the word “sex”). But I’m here to educate, so we’ll use “intimacy” so we don’t get distracted!
The highly likely truth about your husband-to-be is that he is a whore. No, he’s not a prostitute who works a street corner in a shady part of town. But he has a one-track mind and he’s willing to do just about anything in exchange for “intimacy”. Ok….so maybe he’s a monogamous slut with a firm commitment to family values. Anyways, he’s a machine, a simple computer program no “0”, just lots of “1” (had to slip in at least one Freudian euphemism!). But fear not, he isn’t depraved or kinky, he hasn’t been molested as child, etc. He just has a very strong, natural intimacy drive—and it’s the result of biology. It’s even part of the Plan of Salvation!
You see, the man you will marry has an X and a Y chromosome (you are hopefully XX). What that means is that he has a whole half of his brain dedicated to being creative (the right half). The male right half of the brain is very good at being imaginative—his brain thinks about ways to woo you, he can envision how you might look in certain underwear, he can dream endlessly about things to “do” with you after said wooing, etc. He is so good at being creative, that he is able to be creative all the time, he never tires of it—when he’s awake, when he’s asleep, when you’re pregnant, even when you’re enjoying the fruits of your monthly cycle. He will be creative even when he’s dead (or you’re dead, too).
This half of the brain is so effective and powerful that it has the will power necessary to get him to overcome many aspects of his rational left brain. It can get him to ignore the rational left brain’s pleadings of “For the love of all things manly, either turn off Grey’s Anatomy or walk out of the room now!!! You're becoming sensitive and maybe gay!!!” Even when his rational brain is screaming, “There is no right answer. Yes, these pants do make her butt look fat and she knows it, but you can’t win because if you say that it doesn’t make her butt look fat, then she’ll know you’re lying to her. But if you say yes, then you’re an insensitive jerk. WHY ARE WE CLOTHES SHOPPING? Isn’t there some athletic event on one of the 26 ESPN channels? HOW DID YOU LET US GET INTO THIS PREDICAMENT? Don’t frown, don’t frown, STOPPP!—you’re giving your thought away!!! Oh crap, we’re going down in flames!!!!....”
While his left brain is panicking, his right brain is exerting a powerful calming influence. It makes him realize that while he hates doing certain things, he needs to do them to keep you happy, and as a very important side benefit, makes him much more likely to get lucky sometime soon. It’s a symbiotic relationship that keeps the universe in harmony. You may be frustrated to learn that his “desire” to go shopping with you or watch a chic flick is a calculated decision. Sorry, it’s highly likely that he doesn’t really like watching High School Musical (you know that stupid grin he gets on his face when he tells you that movie was a lot of fun? That's him being “creative” about Vanessa Hudgens or Ashley Tisdale). You may feel deceived that he didn’t really like going to Hobby Lobby with you. Don’t feel this way. He’s not lying to you, he’s just internally conflicted and I’m letting you in on the secret. Without the two halves of the brain working in this fashion, happy marriages as we know them would not be possible.
Compounding the brain issue, your husband has some body parts (ask your mother) that produce whore-osterone. It produces great quantities of it, all the time. While you have your monthly friend that comes and goes, your husband’s hormone cycle last 25/8, 366. The whore-osterone causes him to operate like an animal (like we told you in a previous chapter, he is a mindless predator—think great white shark like in the movie Jaws). Whore-osterone is the force driving this powerful cycle= Eat, poop, sleep, procreate, eat, poop, sleep procreate, etc… Whore-osterone is also the juice that powers his right brain activity.
Now, not all men have brains and bodies developed exactly the same. Some of more right brain than others, some have less whore-osterone. That means that you can find a man whose personality and intimacy needs fit with yours. You have to think long term. So, part of your courtship should involve investigating your boyfriend’s intimacy proclivities. I’m not saying you need to have “intimacy” prior to marriage or that you should ask him directly (see the paragraph above about left brain-right brain negotiations). As a Molly and Normon, who are highly likely to not have real physical intimacy prior to marriage, you’ll have to do some guess work. But you should get a sense of what he is like. Because remember, like a shark (a mindless predator that hasn’t evolved mentally in millions of years) you’re husband is not highly likely to change after you get married. He may never change.
So what are you driving at, you ask? You see, you’re highly likely to think like this about intimacy during your courtship and early marriage: “Wow, this guy is great and he thinks that I am great. He wants to grab me and kiss me every time we’re together and this is exciting so I’ll happily kiss him all the time….Wow, we’re married and we can be “intimate” now and he is sooo looking forward to this and I want him to be happy, so I’ll be intimate with him lots…Ok, being intimate is so overrated, I really thought that he’d get over it, it’s been 13 months…Thank heavens I’m nursing and can use that excuse to get him off of me….Maybe if I get really fat he’ll finally leave me alone, I mean we’re forty and he’s still after me like we just got to the hotel after the ceremony…”
See? He’s never going to change. So you should find a partner who has an intimacy level that is compatible. If you want a happy husband, you’ll need to find a good match. Don’t just figure that you can lure him in with the steamy girlfriend bait and then turn into the ice queen after you have a ring on your finger. Besides being cruel, you could cause him to have a psychotic break. Remember, he’s constantly having right brain—left brain negotiations and having that work out to some degree keeps him sane. Making him a “monk” will cause his brain to go haywire. You could crush his soul and drive him into the arms of another woman. He might decide to hunt year round. He might become so effeminate that he develops breast cancer. He might turn gay. Can you really ignore these dangerous side effects by trying to defy a biological reality? It’s highly likely to be bad for your marriage.
Hopefully dears, your mothers have already had the "Birds and the Bees" talk with you; if not, then you need to find a friend or relative that has “known man” to give you the 411. This infamous discussion—how it might have happened to you, what you should do for your daughters and sons—deserves its very own post. Today, we’ll give you some insight into your love life as a married woman, and more specifically, your lover.
Ahhh intimacy—it’s a delicate matter. Don’t worry, I’m not going to get into anything nasty. Just some basic biology you should know. During this post, I’ll usually reference the subject matter as “intimacy” instead of “sex”. I like the word “sex”; I like the way it sounds; I also like how the word makes my fellow mormons uncomfortable (there are adults who have “known” the opposite gender and spawned many children yet are made uncomfortable by the word “sex”). But I’m here to educate, so we’ll use “intimacy” so we don’t get distracted!
The highly likely truth about your husband-to-be is that he is a whore. No, he’s not a prostitute who works a street corner in a shady part of town. But he has a one-track mind and he’s willing to do just about anything in exchange for “intimacy”. Ok….so maybe he’s a monogamous slut with a firm commitment to family values. Anyways, he’s a machine, a simple computer program no “0”, just lots of “1” (had to slip in at least one Freudian euphemism!). But fear not, he isn’t depraved or kinky, he hasn’t been molested as child, etc. He just has a very strong, natural intimacy drive—and it’s the result of biology. It’s even part of the Plan of Salvation!
You see, the man you will marry has an X and a Y chromosome (you are hopefully XX). What that means is that he has a whole half of his brain dedicated to being creative (the right half). The male right half of the brain is very good at being imaginative—his brain thinks about ways to woo you, he can envision how you might look in certain underwear, he can dream endlessly about things to “do” with you after said wooing, etc. He is so good at being creative, that he is able to be creative all the time, he never tires of it—when he’s awake, when he’s asleep, when you’re pregnant, even when you’re enjoying the fruits of your monthly cycle. He will be creative even when he’s dead (or you’re dead, too).
This half of the brain is so effective and powerful that it has the will power necessary to get him to overcome many aspects of his rational left brain. It can get him to ignore the rational left brain’s pleadings of “For the love of all things manly, either turn off Grey’s Anatomy or walk out of the room now!!! You're becoming sensitive and maybe gay!!!” Even when his rational brain is screaming, “There is no right answer. Yes, these pants do make her butt look fat and she knows it, but you can’t win because if you say that it doesn’t make her butt look fat, then she’ll know you’re lying to her. But if you say yes, then you’re an insensitive jerk. WHY ARE WE CLOTHES SHOPPING? Isn’t there some athletic event on one of the 26 ESPN channels? HOW DID YOU LET US GET INTO THIS PREDICAMENT? Don’t frown, don’t frown, STOPPP!—you’re giving your thought away!!! Oh crap, we’re going down in flames!!!!....”
While his left brain is panicking, his right brain is exerting a powerful calming influence. It makes him realize that while he hates doing certain things, he needs to do them to keep you happy, and as a very important side benefit, makes him much more likely to get lucky sometime soon. It’s a symbiotic relationship that keeps the universe in harmony. You may be frustrated to learn that his “desire” to go shopping with you or watch a chic flick is a calculated decision. Sorry, it’s highly likely that he doesn’t really like watching High School Musical (you know that stupid grin he gets on his face when he tells you that movie was a lot of fun? That's him being “creative” about Vanessa Hudgens or Ashley Tisdale). You may feel deceived that he didn’t really like going to Hobby Lobby with you. Don’t feel this way. He’s not lying to you, he’s just internally conflicted and I’m letting you in on the secret. Without the two halves of the brain working in this fashion, happy marriages as we know them would not be possible.
Compounding the brain issue, your husband has some body parts (ask your mother) that produce whore-osterone. It produces great quantities of it, all the time. While you have your monthly friend that comes and goes, your husband’s hormone cycle last 25/8, 366. The whore-osterone causes him to operate like an animal (like we told you in a previous chapter, he is a mindless predator—think great white shark like in the movie Jaws). Whore-osterone is the force driving this powerful cycle= Eat, poop, sleep, procreate, eat, poop, sleep procreate, etc… Whore-osterone is also the juice that powers his right brain activity.
Now, not all men have brains and bodies developed exactly the same. Some of more right brain than others, some have less whore-osterone. That means that you can find a man whose personality and intimacy needs fit with yours. You have to think long term. So, part of your courtship should involve investigating your boyfriend’s intimacy proclivities. I’m not saying you need to have “intimacy” prior to marriage or that you should ask him directly (see the paragraph above about left brain-right brain negotiations). As a Molly and Normon, who are highly likely to not have real physical intimacy prior to marriage, you’ll have to do some guess work. But you should get a sense of what he is like. Because remember, like a shark (a mindless predator that hasn’t evolved mentally in millions of years) you’re husband is not highly likely to change after you get married. He may never change.
So what are you driving at, you ask? You see, you’re highly likely to think like this about intimacy during your courtship and early marriage: “Wow, this guy is great and he thinks that I am great. He wants to grab me and kiss me every time we’re together and this is exciting so I’ll happily kiss him all the time….Wow, we’re married and we can be “intimate” now and he is sooo looking forward to this and I want him to be happy, so I’ll be intimate with him lots…Ok, being intimate is so overrated, I really thought that he’d get over it, it’s been 13 months…Thank heavens I’m nursing and can use that excuse to get him off of me….Maybe if I get really fat he’ll finally leave me alone, I mean we’re forty and he’s still after me like we just got to the hotel after the ceremony…”
See? He’s never going to change. So you should find a partner who has an intimacy level that is compatible. If you want a happy husband, you’ll need to find a good match. Don’t just figure that you can lure him in with the steamy girlfriend bait and then turn into the ice queen after you have a ring on your finger. Besides being cruel, you could cause him to have a psychotic break. Remember, he’s constantly having right brain—left brain negotiations and having that work out to some degree keeps him sane. Making him a “monk” will cause his brain to go haywire. You could crush his soul and drive him into the arms of another woman. He might decide to hunt year round. He might become so effeminate that he develops breast cancer. He might turn gay. Can you really ignore these dangerous side effects by trying to defy a biological reality? It’s highly likely to be bad for your marriage.
Friday, September 18, 2009
New Rant--I'm guessing this will provoke some conversation
I have a little gripe to get off my chest. It has to do with the sacrament prayer. No, I don't mean the prayer itself, but the way that we manage the blessing of the sacrament. Perhaps we could discuss bread choice another day...
I hate it when the priest makes a slight mistake with the sacrament prayer and we make them repeat it over and over until they say it exactly verbatim with no slips, stutters, or juxtapositions. It seams like so often the poor boy has simply added a "the" or missed a "that". Hardly a major mistake, hardly an intentional effort to wander from the dictated prayer. It's just an accident. Most priests kneel down in fear of messing up, worrying that they might let down the ward, their family, and themselves. Ever notice how some seem to start to shake and quiver, praying within themselves, "Dear God, give me the power to read and the power to speak so that I may not repeat." (isn't that neat how it has rhythm and rhyme--maybe it will get printed in the Ensign!...)
Look, the essence of the prayer has not been violated. I'm gonna bet my savings account that when the prayer isn't uttered perfectly and isn't corrected that Peter, James, and John are not groaning in heaven, saying "Damn, a whole congregation doesn't get credit this week..."
I imagine that many of you reading this have witnessed (or at least heard about) some sacrament meeting where they crucified the young man by having him repeat the prayer 5 or 6 times. The poor kid is usually frustrated and many times devastated. At some point, we all just want to either strangle the kid or have him get relieved like a pitcher in a baseball game. You know the congregation is thinking "Come on Bishop, bring in the relief pitcher--let's close this game" or they might be thinking "We need to put him down like a lame horse...who has a gun and some bullets?"
Here's my thing, I think that as long as the priest corrects himself in sentence, I think that we should just let it go. As long as he isn't missing any important words, good to go. As long as he isn't inserting stuff (beyond "a", "and", etc), pass it out. Now, missing a whole phrase--do not pass go, do not collect $200.
I hate it when the priest makes a slight mistake with the sacrament prayer and we make them repeat it over and over until they say it exactly verbatim with no slips, stutters, or juxtapositions. It seams like so often the poor boy has simply added a "the" or missed a "that". Hardly a major mistake, hardly an intentional effort to wander from the dictated prayer. It's just an accident. Most priests kneel down in fear of messing up, worrying that they might let down the ward, their family, and themselves. Ever notice how some seem to start to shake and quiver, praying within themselves, "Dear God, give me the power to read and the power to speak so that I may not repeat." (isn't that neat how it has rhythm and rhyme--maybe it will get printed in the Ensign!...)
Look, the essence of the prayer has not been violated. I'm gonna bet my savings account that when the prayer isn't uttered perfectly and isn't corrected that Peter, James, and John are not groaning in heaven, saying "Damn, a whole congregation doesn't get credit this week..."
I imagine that many of you reading this have witnessed (or at least heard about) some sacrament meeting where they crucified the young man by having him repeat the prayer 5 or 6 times. The poor kid is usually frustrated and many times devastated. At some point, we all just want to either strangle the kid or have him get relieved like a pitcher in a baseball game. You know the congregation is thinking "Come on Bishop, bring in the relief pitcher--let's close this game" or they might be thinking "We need to put him down like a lame horse...who has a gun and some bullets?"
Here's my thing, I think that as long as the priest corrects himself in sentence, I think that we should just let it go. As long as he isn't missing any important words, good to go. As long as he isn't inserting stuff (beyond "a", "and", etc), pass it out. Now, missing a whole phrase--do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Now, I know that some will say, but the scriptures have the wording there and we have been told to use the prayer as is. We insist on the baptism prayer being said and getting them under the water entirely, etc. I am not disputing that. I am disputing the need to start over just because somebody makes a mistake. I'd like to point out that in the temple, where ceremony and wording are very important, they don't ever make you start over--just correct yourself in sentence and continue onward (and upward to heaven!).
I've heard and read some suggestions including a "slaughter rule" similar to mercy rules used in youth sports. Once you get to three attempts, the emblems go out no matter what. Maybe a congregation vote? Would we signify by the raising of the right hand?
When it does happen, I think that the person conducting the meeting would do well to offer some brief explanation as to why the prayer might have been repeated. If you have converts or investigators, they might be a little puzzled. Such a gesture I think would be enlightening.
Thoughts? Comments?
Aditional note: I hate it when people use the "I once heard" and the "some general authority said" as the basis of their argument or point. But I found this at a website where the writer said he was there (but take it with a grain of salt). He wrote that Elder Tingey said something to the effect that the leadership needed to loosen up with the prayer monitoring and allow the priest to correct themselves in sentence and call it good. Apparently he also advised the leaderhsip to avoid always repeating the cliche “We’d like to thank the aaronic priesthood for the reverent manner in which they bless and pass the sacrament..."
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Top Tidbits of Mormon Culture
Which is the most Mormon?
Ok I've seen this type of thing on the internet and email forwards before but I think that they are a lot of fun. The question is, of course, what cultural item would you identify as the most mormon? Here's a list of possibles to choose from:
Jello salad--seriously, can you think of an official mormon function that didn't have a Jello Salad? (ok, if you haven't lived in Utah or Idaho at some point in your life, this may not apply). Nothing like green jello with little bits of fruit inside!
Church basketball--lots of other churches sponsor teams from their congregations, but few actually host their own events (perhaps they've had some revelation that we haven't? Maybe this is one of those truths that exist outside of the church that we're are supposed to bring into the chruch). All I know that there is nothing like destroying brotherhood by inviting a bunch of wanna-be jocks to play ball!
"with every fiber of my being"--Let's put it this way, if you met someone anywhere in the world and heard them say, "I know it with every fiber of my being" would you have ANY doubt they were mormon? Nuff said.
White dress shirt--perhaps Utah just didn't have any natural dyes to work with when they settled the west, but can't they move into the 21st century? I know many a mormon male who own nothing but white dress shirts. Some may have 1 light blue shirt. But deep red? Black? Striped? Never! And here's a challenge--can anyone find a picture of a general authority wearing anything but a plain white dress shirt? I am almost willing to bet my boat you can't find one...
CTR rings worn by adults--I get the idea, but seriously do you know of any other adult population that wears kid jewelry? Grow up. Same thing for adults who pick "I am a Child of God" as they favorite song. Nice song and sentiment, but seriously have you not grown and matured just a little bit?
Delivering meals to the sick and afflicted--this is one of those not-specific-to-mormon things that we've been able to twist into something very mormon. I'm quite confident that a family could come down with a stomach virus disease that features lots of vomiting and the ward would still bring them a meal. A family could have a hole in their roof during the monsoon season and instead of helping to patch or cover the roof, the ward would probably bring in meals. Can't we find some other way to help others besides making a casserole???
Funeral potatoes--egad. I think that these things are the worst. And they are just everywhere. It's making me morose and suicidal, so I'm moving on.
J. Golden Kimball--seriously, does anyone know anything about this guy OTHER than the fact that he would throw in a few "damns" and "hells" and didn't mind throwing out an insult or two? This guy is so overrated.
Wedding receptions with basketball hoops in the background--ah yes, there is nothing quite like being able to "shoot your bouquet" instead of tossing it to your bridesmaids. I have never been inside another church or banquet hall that has basketball rims inside... Hell, we even put them up in our churches in countries where the natives don't play basketball!
Euphemisms for swear words (Hack, Fetch, Flip, Shiz, etc.)--I can't say that I don't do this, but this is another one of those things where if you hear a stranger saying "Give me the friggin' remote" you know the guy is mormon. It's just so obvious, shiz!
Food Storage--do you know of anybody else in your neighborhood (non-mormons) who are hoarding wheat, water, and other canned goods in their garage? If nobody else is doing it, it must be very momon...
Saturday’s Warrior--sadly, too many people's doctrinal understanding of the pre-mortal life and the purpose of this life is informed by this play/movie. Even if you have never seen it, one of your primary leaders or young women's leaders watched it and uses it as the framework of their understanding. It's not true folks!!!!!!
Cheerios in Sacrament meeting--next Sunday, you should stop by and visit another church and take a peak at their "chapel" just after they finish services. How many Cheerios do you think that you will find? Zero--just like a Cheerios...
Pyramid Schemes--I think that mormons are so drawn to pyramid schemes for two reasons. First, pyramids are prominent in Egypt and Nephi wrote using "reformed Egyptian" characters so... The second reason is that in order to be successful in pyramid schemes you have to have a list of people you can sell to and all mormons have the ward list--it's a match made in heaven?
I don't know if I can pick just one as the most mormon, but I can name my top three (in no particular order): "with every fiber of my being", Saturday's Warrior, and Euphemisms for swear words. What's yours?
Ok I've seen this type of thing on the internet and email forwards before but I think that they are a lot of fun. The question is, of course, what cultural item would you identify as the most mormon? Here's a list of possibles to choose from:
Jello salad--seriously, can you think of an official mormon function that didn't have a Jello Salad? (ok, if you haven't lived in Utah or Idaho at some point in your life, this may not apply). Nothing like green jello with little bits of fruit inside!
Church basketball--lots of other churches sponsor teams from their congregations, but few actually host their own events (perhaps they've had some revelation that we haven't? Maybe this is one of those truths that exist outside of the church that we're are supposed to bring into the chruch). All I know that there is nothing like destroying brotherhood by inviting a bunch of wanna-be jocks to play ball!
"with every fiber of my being"--Let's put it this way, if you met someone anywhere in the world and heard them say, "I know it with every fiber of my being" would you have ANY doubt they were mormon? Nuff said.
White dress shirt--perhaps Utah just didn't have any natural dyes to work with when they settled the west, but can't they move into the 21st century? I know many a mormon male who own nothing but white dress shirts. Some may have 1 light blue shirt. But deep red? Black? Striped? Never! And here's a challenge--can anyone find a picture of a general authority wearing anything but a plain white dress shirt? I am almost willing to bet my boat you can't find one...
CTR rings worn by adults--I get the idea, but seriously do you know of any other adult population that wears kid jewelry? Grow up. Same thing for adults who pick "I am a Child of God" as they favorite song. Nice song and sentiment, but seriously have you not grown and matured just a little bit?
Delivering meals to the sick and afflicted--this is one of those not-specific-to-mormon things that we've been able to twist into something very mormon. I'm quite confident that a family could come down with a stomach virus disease that features lots of vomiting and the ward would still bring them a meal. A family could have a hole in their roof during the monsoon season and instead of helping to patch or cover the roof, the ward would probably bring in meals. Can't we find some other way to help others besides making a casserole???
Funeral potatoes--egad. I think that these things are the worst. And they are just everywhere. It's making me morose and suicidal, so I'm moving on.
J. Golden Kimball--seriously, does anyone know anything about this guy OTHER than the fact that he would throw in a few "damns" and "hells" and didn't mind throwing out an insult or two? This guy is so overrated.
Wedding receptions with basketball hoops in the background--ah yes, there is nothing quite like being able to "shoot your bouquet" instead of tossing it to your bridesmaids. I have never been inside another church or banquet hall that has basketball rims inside... Hell, we even put them up in our churches in countries where the natives don't play basketball!
Euphemisms for swear words (Hack, Fetch, Flip, Shiz, etc.)--I can't say that I don't do this, but this is another one of those things where if you hear a stranger saying "Give me the friggin' remote" you know the guy is mormon. It's just so obvious, shiz!
Food Storage--do you know of anybody else in your neighborhood (non-mormons) who are hoarding wheat, water, and other canned goods in their garage? If nobody else is doing it, it must be very momon...
Saturday’s Warrior--sadly, too many people's doctrinal understanding of the pre-mortal life and the purpose of this life is informed by this play/movie. Even if you have never seen it, one of your primary leaders or young women's leaders watched it and uses it as the framework of their understanding. It's not true folks!!!!!!
Cheerios in Sacrament meeting--next Sunday, you should stop by and visit another church and take a peak at their "chapel" just after they finish services. How many Cheerios do you think that you will find? Zero--just like a Cheerios...
Pyramid Schemes--I think that mormons are so drawn to pyramid schemes for two reasons. First, pyramids are prominent in Egypt and Nephi wrote using "reformed Egyptian" characters so... The second reason is that in order to be successful in pyramid schemes you have to have a list of people you can sell to and all mormons have the ward list--it's a match made in heaven?
I don't know if I can pick just one as the most mormon, but I can name my top three (in no particular order): "with every fiber of my being", Saturday's Warrior, and Euphemisms for swear words. What's yours?
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Truth #4 for YW on dating & marriage
Some apples don't fall very far from the tree...
Many women like to say that the thing they most look for in a guy is a sense of humor. Many women also lie about their weight... I don't know why, but many women are uncomfortable admitting that they hope to date and marry a man whose best feature is his looks (perhaps they are afraid to find someone better looking than them?--you know that idea actually has legs... Imagine waking up years from now...you look yourself in the mirror and see the bags under your eyes, the dull hair...then you look back at the bed and think to yourself..."at least I don't look as bad as he does...man, is he ugly, fat, and pasty white..." You know, maybe you should marry an ugly guy!).
Anyways, you should try to find a man that you find attractive--this may seem rather obvious, but hear me out. Not only will you have to wake up next to this guy for the next 50 years and possibly for eternity, but marry an attractive man because he will contribute to the look of your children. For many women, having a family and cute little kids to care for is the major part of their life plan. You're going to have to love those little buggers through the good times (when their learning to walk and talk) and the bad times (at the end of your day at Disneyland and they are screaming bloody murder). And one highly likely truth is that it is so much easy to love cute kids. How could you do something as cruel as marry an ugly guy and therefore short-change your children?!?!?
Listen to your ovaries when you're meeting men. Make sure that the spawn inside your womb will be happy getting half of their genetic material from your dating partners. Imagine your fiance as a 6 month old in a onesy (ok, that's not helpful but damn funny). The official highly likely truth of this chapter is that your husband will eventually grow to look like his father (for better or for worse). And so will your children! You need to check out his dad to see what the future likely has in store for you. Your boyfriend may have a good shape and all of his hair at 18, but his dad will give you a view to what he will look like for most of his adult life. Don't be fooled by the glow and gleam brought on by the rushing testosterone. See what you're going to be cooking in your oven for 9 months.
Now, of course, marrying someone you find physically attractive is important for you as a person. You'll want to be with someone you like to look at and take pictures with. But it's also important because your physical attraction to him has consequences for your kids. You see, it will be easier to want to do the thing to make the babies you want if you find him physically attractive. I know that on TV and in movies they tell you that lots of women fake enjoying sex but have sex anyways to keep their man happy or to get pregnant. But faking enjoying sex gets old real fast, like after week 2 (and remember, if you are going for a temple marriage, you are agreeing to have sex with this dude for eternity...yowwwzer!). And if you want to have a large, mormon pioneer style family of 12, that's a lot of sex to fake enjoying (especially if you and your man are not fertile like Napa valley). So, not only will this man help make your kids cute or ugly, but the man you marry will also make your "making babies" fun or hell. A sense of humor will not help you much with either of those things.
Now, before you get worked up--a sense of humor and other suchs skills and characteristics are very important--I'm just helping you to stop pretending that what he look likes doesn't or shouldn't matter to you. Believe me, if they guy has a bad sense of humor it can nearly kill you and the marriage (note: if he really enjoys fart jokes, or watching MTV shows like "Jackass", etc you are in big, big trouble!). We'll get to those other good traits later.
Many women like to say that the thing they most look for in a guy is a sense of humor. Many women also lie about their weight... I don't know why, but many women are uncomfortable admitting that they hope to date and marry a man whose best feature is his looks (perhaps they are afraid to find someone better looking than them?--you know that idea actually has legs... Imagine waking up years from now...you look yourself in the mirror and see the bags under your eyes, the dull hair...then you look back at the bed and think to yourself..."at least I don't look as bad as he does...man, is he ugly, fat, and pasty white..." You know, maybe you should marry an ugly guy!).
Anyways, you should try to find a man that you find attractive--this may seem rather obvious, but hear me out. Not only will you have to wake up next to this guy for the next 50 years and possibly for eternity, but marry an attractive man because he will contribute to the look of your children. For many women, having a family and cute little kids to care for is the major part of their life plan. You're going to have to love those little buggers through the good times (when their learning to walk and talk) and the bad times (at the end of your day at Disneyland and they are screaming bloody murder). And one highly likely truth is that it is so much easy to love cute kids. How could you do something as cruel as marry an ugly guy and therefore short-change your children?!?!?
Listen to your ovaries when you're meeting men. Make sure that the spawn inside your womb will be happy getting half of their genetic material from your dating partners. Imagine your fiance as a 6 month old in a onesy (ok, that's not helpful but damn funny). The official highly likely truth of this chapter is that your husband will eventually grow to look like his father (for better or for worse). And so will your children! You need to check out his dad to see what the future likely has in store for you. Your boyfriend may have a good shape and all of his hair at 18, but his dad will give you a view to what he will look like for most of his adult life. Don't be fooled by the glow and gleam brought on by the rushing testosterone. See what you're going to be cooking in your oven for 9 months.
Now, of course, marrying someone you find physically attractive is important for you as a person. You'll want to be with someone you like to look at and take pictures with. But it's also important because your physical attraction to him has consequences for your kids. You see, it will be easier to want to do the thing to make the babies you want if you find him physically attractive. I know that on TV and in movies they tell you that lots of women fake enjoying sex but have sex anyways to keep their man happy or to get pregnant. But faking enjoying sex gets old real fast, like after week 2 (and remember, if you are going for a temple marriage, you are agreeing to have sex with this dude for eternity...yowwwzer!). And if you want to have a large, mormon pioneer style family of 12, that's a lot of sex to fake enjoying (especially if you and your man are not fertile like Napa valley). So, not only will this man help make your kids cute or ugly, but the man you marry will also make your "making babies" fun or hell. A sense of humor will not help you much with either of those things.
Now, before you get worked up--a sense of humor and other suchs skills and characteristics are very important--I'm just helping you to stop pretending that what he look likes doesn't or shouldn't matter to you. Believe me, if they guy has a bad sense of humor it can nearly kill you and the marriage (note: if he really enjoys fart jokes, or watching MTV shows like "Jackass", etc you are in big, big trouble!). We'll get to those other good traits later.
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