New Rant--I'm guessing this will provoke some conversation

I have a little gripe to get off my chest. It has to do with the sacrament prayer. No, I don't mean the prayer itself, but the way that we manage the blessing of the sacrament. Perhaps we could discuss bread choice another day...

I hate it when the priest makes a slight mistake with the sacrament prayer and we make them repeat it over and over until they say it exactly verbatim with no slips, stutters, or juxtapositions. It seams like so often the poor boy has simply added a "the" or missed a "that". Hardly a major mistake, hardly an intentional effort to wander from the dictated prayer. It's just an accident. Most priests kneel down in fear of messing up, worrying that they might let down the ward, their family, and themselves. Ever notice how some seem to start to shake and quiver, praying within themselves, "Dear God, give me the power to read and the power to speak so that I may not repeat." (isn't that neat how it has rhythm and rhyme--maybe it will get printed in the Ensign!...)

Look, the essence of the prayer has not been violated. I'm gonna bet my savings account that when the prayer isn't uttered perfectly and isn't corrected that Peter, James, and John are not groaning in heaven, saying "Damn, a whole congregation doesn't get credit this week..."

I imagine that many of you reading this have witnessed (or at least heard about) some sacrament meeting where they crucified the young man by having him repeat the prayer 5 or 6 times. The poor kid is usually frustrated and many times devastated. At some point, we all just want to either strangle the kid or have him get relieved like a pitcher in a baseball game. You know the congregation is thinking "Come on Bishop, bring in the relief pitcher--let's close this game" or they might be thinking "We need to put him down like a lame horse...who has a gun and some bullets?"

Here's my thing, I think that as long as the priest corrects himself in sentence, I think that we should just let it go. As long as he isn't missing any important words, good to go. As long as he isn't inserting stuff (beyond "a", "and", etc), pass it out. Now, missing a whole phrase--do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Now, I know that some will say, but the scriptures have the wording there and we have been told to use the prayer as is. We insist on the baptism prayer being said and getting them under the water entirely, etc. I am not disputing that. I am disputing the need to start over just because somebody makes a mistake. I'd like to point out that in the temple, where ceremony and wording are very important, they don't ever make you start over--just correct yourself in sentence and continue onward (and upward to heaven!).

I've heard and read some suggestions including a "slaughter rule" similar to mercy rules used in youth sports. Once you get to three attempts, the emblems go out no matter what. Maybe a congregation vote? Would we signify by the raising of the right hand?

When it does happen, I think that the person conducting the meeting would do well to offer some brief explanation as to why the prayer might have been repeated. If you have converts or investigators, they might be a little puzzled. Such a gesture I think would be enlightening.

Thoughts? Comments?

Aditional note: I hate it when people use the "I once heard" and the "some general authority said" as the basis of their argument or point. But I found this at a website where the writer said he was there (but take it with a grain of salt). He wrote that Elder Tingey said something to the effect that the leadership needed to loosen up with the prayer monitoring and allow the priest to correct themselves in sentence and call it good. Apparently he also advised the leaderhsip to avoid always repeating the cliche “We’d like to thank the aaronic priesthood for the reverent manner in which they bless and pass the sacrament..."

Top Tidbits of Mormon Culture

Which is the most Mormon?

Ok I've seen this type of thing on the internet and email forwards before but I think that they are a lot of fun. The question is, of course, what cultural item would you identify as the most mormon? Here's a list of possibles to choose from:

Jello salad--seriously, can you think of an official mormon function that didn't have a Jello Salad? (ok, if you haven't lived in Utah or Idaho at some point in your life, this may not apply). Nothing like green jello with little bits of fruit inside!

Church basketball--lots of other churches sponsor teams from their congregations, but few actually host their own events (perhaps they've had some revelation that we haven't? Maybe this is one of those truths that exist outside of the church that we're are supposed to bring into the chruch). All I know that there is nothing like destroying brotherhood by inviting a bunch of wanna-be jocks to play ball!

"with every fiber of my being"--Let's put it this way, if you met someone anywhere in the world and heard them say, "I know it with every fiber of my being" would you have ANY doubt they were mormon? Nuff said.

White dress shirt--perhaps Utah just didn't have any natural dyes to work with when they settled the west, but can't they move into the 21st century? I know many a mormon male who own nothing but white dress shirts. Some may have 1 light blue shirt. But deep red? Black? Striped? Never! And here's a challenge--can anyone find a picture of a general authority wearing anything but a plain white dress shirt? I am almost willing to bet my boat you can't find one...

CTR rings worn by adults--I get the idea, but seriously do you know of any other adult population that wears kid jewelry? Grow up. Same thing for adults who pick "I am a Child of God" as they favorite song. Nice song and sentiment, but seriously have you not grown and matured just a little bit?

Delivering meals to the sick and afflicted--this is one of those not-specific-to-mormon things that we've been able to twist into something very mormon. I'm quite confident that a family could come down with a stomach virus disease that features lots of vomiting and the ward would still bring them a meal. A family could have a hole in their roof during the monsoon season and instead of helping to patch or cover the roof, the ward would probably bring in meals. Can't we find some other way to help others besides making a casserole???

Funeral potatoes--egad. I think that these things are the worst. And they are just everywhere. It's making me morose and suicidal, so I'm moving on.

J. Golden Kimball--seriously, does anyone know anything about this guy OTHER than the fact that he would throw in a few "damns" and "hells" and didn't mind throwing out an insult or two? This guy is so overrated.

Wedding receptions with basketball hoops in the background--ah yes, there is nothing quite like being able to "shoot your bouquet" instead of tossing it to your bridesmaids. I have never been inside another church or banquet hall that has basketball rims inside... Hell, we even put them up in our churches in countries where the natives don't play basketball!

Euphemisms for swear words (Hack, Fetch, Flip, Shiz, etc.)--I can't say that I don't do this, but this is another one of those things where if you hear a stranger saying "Give me the friggin' remote" you know the guy is mormon. It's just so obvious, shiz!

Food Storage--do you know of anybody else in your neighborhood (non-mormons) who are hoarding wheat, water, and other canned goods in their garage? If nobody else is doing it, it must be very momon...

Saturday’s Warrior--sadly, too many people's doctrinal understanding of the pre-mortal life and the purpose of this life is informed by this play/movie. Even if you have never seen it, one of your primary leaders or young women's leaders watched it and uses it as the framework of their understanding. It's not true folks!!!!!!

Cheerios in Sacrament meeting--next Sunday, you should stop by and visit another church and take a peak at their "chapel" just after they finish services. How many Cheerios do you think that you will find? Zero--just like a Cheerios...

Pyramid Schemes--I think that mormons are so drawn to pyramid schemes for two reasons. First, pyramids are prominent in Egypt and Nephi wrote using "reformed Egyptian" characters so... The second reason is that in order to be successful in pyramid schemes you have to have a list of people you can sell to and all mormons have the ward list--it's a match made in heaven?

I don't know if I can pick just one as the most mormon, but I can name my top three (in no particular order): "with every fiber of my being", Saturday's Warrior, and Euphemisms for swear words. What's yours?

Truth #4 for YW on dating & marriage

Some apples don't fall very far from the tree...

Many women like to say that the thing they most look for in a guy is a sense of humor. Many women also lie about their weight... I don't know why, but many women are uncomfortable admitting that they hope to date and marry a man whose best feature is his looks (perhaps they are afraid to find someone better looking than them?--you know that idea actually has legs... Imagine waking up years from now...you look yourself in the mirror and see the bags under your eyes, the dull hair...then you look back at the bed and think to yourself..."at least I don't look as bad as he does...man, is he ugly, fat, and pasty white..." You know, maybe you should marry an ugly guy!).

Anyways, you should try to find a man that you find attractive--this may seem rather obvious, but hear me out. Not only will you have to wake up next to this guy for the next 50 years and possibly for eternity, but marry an attractive man because he will contribute to the look of your children. For many women, having a family and cute little kids to care for is the major part of their life plan. You're going to have to love those little buggers through the good times (when their learning to walk and talk) and the bad times (at the end of your day at Disneyland and they are screaming bloody murder). And one highly likely truth is that it is so much easy to love cute kids. How could you do something as cruel as marry an ugly guy and therefore short-change your children?!?!?

Listen to your ovaries when you're meeting men. Make sure that the spawn inside your womb will be happy getting half of their genetic material from your dating partners. Imagine your fiance as a 6 month old in a onesy (ok, that's not helpful but damn funny). The official highly likely truth of this chapter is that your husband will eventually grow to look like his father (for better or for worse). And so will your children! You need to check out his dad to see what the future likely has in store for you. Your boyfriend may have a good shape and all of his hair at 18, but his dad will give you a view to what he will look like for most of his adult life. Don't be fooled by the glow and gleam brought on by the rushing testosterone. See what you're going to be cooking in your oven for 9 months.

Now, of course, marrying someone you find physically attractive is important for you as a person. You'll want to be with someone you like to look at and take pictures with. But it's also important because your physical attraction to him has consequences for your kids. You see, it will be easier to want to do the thing to make the babies you want if you find him physically attractive. I know that on TV and in movies they tell you that lots of women fake enjoying sex but have sex anyways to keep their man happy or to get pregnant. But faking enjoying sex gets old real fast, like after week 2 (and remember, if you are going for a temple marriage, you are agreeing to have sex with this dude for eternity...yowwwzer!). And if you want to have a large, mormon pioneer style family of 12, that's a lot of sex to fake enjoying (especially if you and your man are not fertile like Napa valley). So, not only will this man help make your kids cute or ugly, but the man you marry will also make your "making babies" fun or hell. A sense of humor will not help you much with either of those things.

Now, before you get worked up--a sense of humor and other suchs skills and characteristics are very important--I'm just helping you to stop pretending that what he look likes doesn't or shouldn't matter to you. Believe me, if they guy has a bad sense of humor it can nearly kill you and the marriage (note: if he really enjoys fart jokes, or watching MTV shows like "Jackass", etc you are in big, big trouble!). We'll get to those other good traits later.

Truth #3 for YW about dating & marriage

It's all about having a point of reference

I'm not going to bore you with another analogy about maps, compasses, directions, etc. I'm sure that you've been introduced to a number of these by now--if not, then you either did not go to Girls Camp, missed out on EFY, never read the New Era, never went to a fireside, didn't listen in your Young Women's lessons--basically, you were absent.

You know that it's so easy to get lost if you don't have a point of reference (either from which you are leaving or are headed to). It's also very difficult in life to be happy without having a point of reference. How do you know what "hot" is if you don't know what some exposure to "cold"? It's not just about opposites, but rather about filling in the spectrum of experience so that you have a complete picture and point of reference.

Too many girls are getting married without any points of reference--they are living lives that are empty and shallow. Their lives empty and vapid, they are focused on silly, trivial things. This certainly doesn't apply to all or even most girls, but it does apply to too many. And much too many are living lives that fail to meet their potential; their lives are devoid of any personal growth and development. They are "Barbie" incarnate--little more than a plaything (some, however, come with shiny, attractive accessories!). (Note: if you had to look up the words vapid, devoid, and incarnate, I might be talking about you...ouch, huh?)

Sadly, you are being inundated with message from media sources and society in general that your primary value is in the shape of your body, the color of your hair, how in style your clothes are. You're being told that your aspiration in life is to be provided for, sheltered, luxurious, and leisurely. MTV tells you simultaneously that you're a princess at 16 who deserves to be pampered to the extreme and that the best way to be hot is to dress like a whore and "shake that ass" for a rapper's posse in a music video. You, too, can make on the cast of the Real World if you are willing to dabble in bi-sexuality and mate multiple partners within hours of one another.

Let's see who some of your top icons and role models are (according to the media): Paris Hilton (bimbo playgirl heiress with a sex tape); Lindsey Lohan (bimbo bi-sexual actress with a drug problem); Britney Spears (bimbo deliquint single mother with too many problems to list); etc. Even many of the good girls have lots of issues--they're applauded just because they remember to wear panties when they go out for a night on the town! Do you remember your panties?

Even your LDS boyfriend or the boys you want to date are reinforcing the message that you are only as worthwhile as you are physically attractive. Sadly, YM are mindless predator sharks hungry for an appetizing meal--they're not doing it maliciously, but the fact remains. I'm working on them, too (see the other chapters for YM).

One day it will be worth it to you to be more than an object, more than a Cosmo girl who "like, totally, like, completely, is on the down low." You need to build yourself a life and give yourself the points of reference that will give your existence meaning and richness. You need to do this for you and you need to do it for your husband to be if you want to be happy and fulfilled. That's a very important distinction to make--I'm trying to help you be happy AND fulfilled. You can be a very happy housewife whose primary activites are caring for children, eating bon-bons, picking out hair color, and reading the Twilight series (or Harry Potter). That doesn't mean that you're having an enriching experience that takes advantage of your natural talents and the resources available to you. You have potential and "girl we gonna work it!"

What you need to do as a young woman is get yourself some education and/ or life experience. You have the time, energy, resources to acquire these while you are young. It's not impossible to get education or life experiences when you're older but it is much harder. Your free time is limited as your age (until you're what you would call "old"). It's kinda of like dancing--much easier when you can bend in most directions (try doing a latin-style dance when you're 50--egad!!! Which brings to a tangent--wasn't the old lady Cloris Leachman on Dancing with the Stars freakin' scary? It was like a bad freakshow-when they had her do sexy routines it was akin to watching your parents having sex--not a good thing).

Anyways, you are what you make of yourself. You need to acquire some knowledge of how things work in the world. You need to discover the great treasures of wisdom and learning that mankind has amassed. You need to expose yourself to beauty and truth (no I'm not talking about getting beauty tips from Oprah or Tyra Banks). You need to find paths to wander down (not shopping ailses); you need to find meaningful daily activity (other than choosing an outfit); you need to find a reason for being. If you weren't sure by what I meant without reading the quips in the parentheses, then you're in trouble--as in, are you suffering from a lack of oxygen? Are you reading this or do you have to have it read to you?.. Education and life experiences are the gateway to finding fulfillment.

Note: being a housewife and mother can be a VERY fulfilling and purposeful activity/role. While some (many, most, or even all) of the housewifey and mothery duties can be unfulfilling, mundane, and dull--they are only the functional means to a very good end--producing healthy, stable, productive citizens. Don't jump to conclusions that I'm gonna say burn that bra and get in the workplace. If you become a mother, wear a bra. Please.

Education and life experiences can be acquired in a variety of manners. Not everyone has to go to college; not everyone has to go to work. Those are two very effective and well traveled paths, ones you would do well to consider. You can also serve a mission, do volunteer work, self study, pursue interests that expand your horizons. You need to assert yourself and do things for yourself. Those are two wonderful things that come from getting an education or from working or doing other worthwhile things .

The third benefit is that you become your own person. As a child you are dependent on your parents and teachers and other adults to point the way, to tell you what to think, and what to do. Part of your maturation into adulthood is learning how to identify the way, thinking for yourself, choosing what to do. Having an education (formal or informal) and/or life experiences makes you an unique individual and gives you some substance. You'll be able to stand on your own and have worth in your own right.

Note: You don't get credit for your spouse and their education or life experiences. You don't get vicarious credit for what your husband does or might have experienced. Just in the same way that you are not a Returned Missionary because your husband is an RM, you are not an engineer because he is an engineer. If your husband owns or operates a business, you are not a business owner (helping out with some office duties or supervising the receptionist does not count--you have to spend equal time and have equal involvement day-in and day-out.).

Two of the women that I know personally and respect very much are very smart (my mother and my wife)--they have graduated from college and worked, but more importantly, they have continued to grow after the fact. My mother is one of the brightest people I know and I think that it would be safe to say that much of what she has learned she learned after getting married. Certainly, going to college probably taught her something about how to learn on her own. Gaining education and life experiences is a life long pursuit. You'll have to read non-fiction and the news, watch good TV programming, go places, do things (going places and doing things do not include going to get a manicure--yes you'll get your manicure from a little Korean man, but that's not really going international. Oh, I can't help myself. Ok, say the following with your best Korean accent: "You have very bad cuticles! Very ugly. You want flower? I make you very sexy flower for $5"). If you can name all of the characters from Grey's Anatomy but can't name more than 2 of the 9 Supreme Court Justices or both your US senators, then you're misplacing your focus (yes, you can still have guilty pleasures btw). Hey, Grey's Anatomy fans--hate the play, not the player!

This is starting to get very long so let's get to some summary points: First and foremost, education and/or life experiences will make your life more fulfilling and enriched. You'll have the benefit of knowing what life offers and what you can achieve. You'll be able to better appreciate the high and lows, beauty and ugliness, truth and falsehoods. You'll know who you are and what you can become. You might even get to be in my circle of friends (I mean, if you want to be friends...Check the yes or no box at the bottom of this note...No, I haven't grown up past 7th grade and I just want someone to check yes because nobody would check yes in the 7th grade and it scarred me and I wasn't able to kiss a girl until I was almost 18, ok, I was able but didn't get to and I think that it all had to do with the notes in 7th grade--what the hell is happening, I can't stop typing and revealing personal secrets, kill me now, somebody stop me pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!!!).

Having some education and/or life experiences will make motherhood more fulfilling because you'll appreciate the consequences of your role and will have maybe have a better idea of how to do it.

Having some education and/or life experiences will make you a better wife and spouse because you'll be an equal partner and he'll treat you like it. You'll be a confidant he can turn to because you'll be able to think out situations with him. You'll be a source of information, insight, and ideas. He'll be proud of you and will think of you as more than just an object and staff member in his household.

Having these will also have the benefit of pushing your husband to be a better person. He'll want to keep up with you. He'll want to do more than just watch sports and Sportscenter. He'll want to talk to you about stuff (always a tough one)! Anything you can do to help him be better, is good for you, too. That's a point to remember.

Truth #4 about dating and marriage for YM

Better check your Kelly Blue Book Value

Sometime in your adult life time you will own and car and want to sell it or trade it in for something else. You'll begin by searching out the car that you want. Maybe you're going to move up in the world--4 doors! Finally, you think that you might be able to afford a new car, or at least one that came off the assembly line within the last 5 years. The sticker price seems to be something within your price range--you don't have much for a down payment, but with the right interest rate and trade-in value on your current wheels you'll be in business.

So you go and get the Kelley Blue Book to find out what the value of your current car--just to make sure before you go to the dealer; you want to know what to expect. You think that it’s probably worth about $10,000 because that’s just a little bit less than what you paid for it 2 years ago (and that’s what you still owe on it). You open the pages and discover that your prized 1999 Honda Accord is only worth $3,000. Ouch!

You see, it’s hard to see what we really are sometimes. This is especially true when we try to evaluate ourselves and our readiness for marriage. You, my young, naive friend, are the automobile in question (and your bride-to-be, too). You think that you’re ready to get married, start a family and provide for children, etc--but I would like to offer a highly likely truth for your consideration: No, you are probably not ready.

Let’s review your resume. You highly likely to be a recently returned missionary who 1) has never had to provide shelter and food for himself (on his own dime! not Daddy's); 2) lives with several roommates now to pay the rent (maybe up to 5); 3) lived with a companion on your mission because you couldn't be trusted to behave on your own (hell, they didn't even trust you to own an emergency frequency radio for heaven's sake!); 4) oh, you probably haven’t had a real job yet (a real job is one that didn’t get from your dad or uncle, provides real benefits, and you wouldn’t be embarrassed to announce at sacrament Meeting at a normal ward--not at a singles ward or BYU married ward). Being a waiter at Olive Garden is an ok job if you’re single. Most kids don’t say, “I want to be a grocery bagger when I grow up.” 5) and you probably aren’t ready to get a real job in the next week or two.

Important note: I am all about making the best of your situation. If you are out of work or between jobs or just down on your luck, being a waiter at Olive Garden or being a grocery bagger is something you should do. There is absolutely no shame in that. The only shame in life is giving up in your role as breadwinner and doing nothing. I'm just saying that if your plans in life include supporting a family of more than 1, you had better make efforts and plans to be able to secure a regular income that will fulfill that goal. One more thing: there are lots of jobs that are just fine as second income sources (including being a waiter) that maybe don't pay a whole lot. Those are good, honorable jobs. But I am figuring that most of you YM are hoping to do the traditional breadwinning route where you can have the wife stay at home with the kids.

So, we've established that your economic Blue Book Value is less than optimal. That's ok. We can fix that and now that you know that we can help you make good choices before you make a mistake. Know is half the battle.

Before you're girlfriend/fiance gets all bent out of shape and drags out some quotes from some GA, let me clarify some things. I’m not saying that you have to be financially secure, have a career going yet, etc. to get married or have children. Church leaders have said otherwise and I agree with them. But you do need to be aware of your real worth as a husband and father. You have to have a plan of how you’re going to become financially secure. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that just because you served a mission you can now take on the obligations of a wife and children. RM doesn't just stand for Returned Missionary, it also stands for Really imMature economically (ok, so I couldn't come up with anything).

Sadly, many of your friends and peers are struggling because they were unaware or ignored the highly likely truth we're covering in this chapter. Also, many of them became a bit delusional as a result of Mission Related Ego Inflation Disorder (MREID for short). MREID causes RMs to have a sense of self that is unreal and disconnected from reality. They think that there isn't anything that they can't do and that there isn't anything they aren't entitled to because they served an honorable mission and their mission president told them that they had all sorts of blessings coming their way. There are other causes but let's move on. RMs suffering from MREID will challenge this chapter by proclaiming that they have lots of skills to offer and people who want to hire them. Unfortunately they don't get it--The CIA and States Department aren’t going to hire them and if a mission is all you got, just hope the employer doesn’t think Mormonism is a cult (highly likely outside of Utah, Idaho, California, and Arizona). Because you lived in a foreign country and speak a foreign language (Spanish most likely), you're now well qualified to be the assistant part-time shift manager at McDonalds helping to translate orders to the mexicans working the fryers. Or if you speak something like Korean, you can be the parts clerk at the regional KIA dealership who calls in special orders to the home factory in Seoul, South Korea. Wow! What career prospects! Serving a mission is a good thing (and very good for learning skills that will help you be a breadwinner one day) but it is not an internship at Microsoft or General Electric.

What can you do to remedy the situation? I'll share a couple of tips. If you are in college, pick a major and get going on it. Don't study something like art history or marine biology. Pick something that actually has a career track (moving from "Seal Pool Cleaner" to "Seal Feeder" to "Seal Trainer" to "Seal Show Performer" at Sea World is not a career track). A degree in Art History will only help you to appreciate the artistic elements of your struggle with poverty in a market economy that produces great wealth. Studying Forest Managment is great preparation for living in a van by the river...

Establish contacts and relationships with people who can actually help you. Your roommate who is great finding out about parties should no longer be the most important person you keep tight with. Brother Samuels, who is a regional manager for Johnson & Johnson should be the person you speak with on a regular basis.

Get a timeline going. Have a plan that has some security coming in the near future (meaning in the next 18-24 months). If you are a recent RM who still has 3 years of college left to go and your bride-to-be is 18 going on 19, you have no near term security in your future. Date for a while and milk your parents for a while longer. While you want to get married right now (see truth #2), you don't have to; you have some time to prepare yourself properly. The same is true for having kids. To be honest, I'm not sure why we let anyone under the age of 21 do anything important--vote, drink, marry, procreate (outside of Mormon-dom the last three usually go: drink, procreate, marry...). You're just too dumb until you get a wee bit older.

And last but not least (always the controversial point at the end!)--don't make "the Lord will provide" a part of your wedding and economic plan. Yes, you'll get some help and blessings for righteous living, but that doesn't mean that He will make a rich chocolate souffle from ramen noodles. He will help you improve what you create and supply. Remember on your mission the story about the missionary who couldn't speak the language but suddenly could for some occasion? What's common in all the stories? That the missionary studied his butt off trying to learn the language. He got divine help recalling his study--he didn't get new information magically planted in his head. The same goes for your welfare as a breadwinner--you'll get help if you prepare and put forth effort. I know that somewhere in the Old Testament is says something like, "For behold, prepare a full feast and harvest by the sweat of thy brow, but a warning to my people for when thou givest crap for an offering, crap shall be thy blessing and heritage..." (that's the New English Translation version)

You may be asking, well when will I know that my Blue Book Value is high enough? That's a difficult answer to quantify, but let's look at some likely factors: You should be able to pay for a place to live, transport yourself from place to place, eat, meet your other bill obligations, pay tithing, and have a little in savings--without getting any financial help from your parents, bishop, or the government (and you shouldn't have to use student loans to meet any of these expenses). If you have a car that's paid for (either by you or Dad), you need to factor in a car payment because one day you'll need to buy a new one (or make repairs to the current wheels). You also need to factor in car insurance since you'll be kicked off Dad's policy when you get married. The same goes for health insurance. Now, you can factor in income from both you and the wife-to-be but if you think that $1,300 a month is plenty, then you have another thing coming. If you can do the things listed above and are on the verge of having some good prospects near term, then you're much more highly likely to be ready to say "I do."

A Revelation?

Ok. I have some news to share. I don't know if this forum is the best place to do it, but it will have to do. I'm sharing this because I think that I need to address something about my image and the way people see me. I think that I can be misunderstood sometimes...

Let's get right to it: On Friday June 26th, I went down to the Phoenix Convention Center to audition for So You Think You Can Dance. And guess what--I was accepted to go to Las Vegas for the callbacks!!!!

However, I won't be going to Vegas because I later fessed up that I wasn't under 30 (the producers made a big point of telling us that had been given tickets that if we had lied on our applications and then gone on to Vegas that we would be in big trouble and would be enforcing the penalties listed in the Release forms).

Let me tell you about it: First, there were thousands of people. Lots of folks brought friends and family. I was by myself (4 kids outside in 100* weather sounds more fun than it is). There were freaks and attention-whores--you know the people who will do anything to get noticed and hopefully get on TV. Lots of people thinking that they needed to start warming up and practice their routine for hours. There wasn't a lot of guys (I thought that would help my chances--they need guys and so there wasn't as much competition). Anyway, we got in line and started the wait--that summaries the day: get in line and wait; do one or two things and then get in line a wait.

Once we got going inside, you have to turn in your paperwork and get your number. They then divide you up and you start the interview process. You go from producer to producer answering questions--they're looking for people who have interesting stories or who will be a big time embarassment on stage. I was hoping to play the big-tall-guy-who-hasn't-danced-in-years-but-not-giving-up-the-dream story, but they didn't seem to really care. I didn't see any of the judges or other famous folks walking around, but they had to have been there because you could hear people scream out names every now and then.

Some people were turned away after different interview sessions. After about 2-3 sessions, they put you in a screen room where they asked you to do a few dance moves and tell the camera that "I'm America's favorite dancer." Then we went to a room and had the opportunity to do part of your routine for a group of judges (although I didn't recognize any of them). Again, more were told "no thanks" and the rest of us moved on. By this time we were getting prepped to actually go on stage and dance. It was at this point I saw my first celeb--host Cat Deeley. Let me say a few things: She is TALL. You see it on TV, but she wasn't much shorter than me. She is a pencil and seems to have a much thicker accent in person. Anyway, she didn't interview all of us, but I did get a "Finally, a dancer I can look up to!". That was actually kind of exciting.

So, before heading on stage, we went to a staging area to turn in our CDs (they have very specific rules on the music you bring). Then you sit down and wait to be called up. They bring you up in groups of 5 at a time. You can hear most of the judges comments but not all of them. Once you are in the group of 5 waiting, you can hear them much better and it makes you very nervous.It was a little after 3 pm by the time I got on stage. I decided to do a jazz-contemporary routine. Since I haven't done choreographed dance in years, I had gone on YouTube to find a routine. I found one from season 2 auditions that went over really well. I spent several weeks practicing it and I think that I had it down well. I even did the same music: "Calabria" by Enur.

It went as well as I could hope. They let me do the whole routine--at the time, I didn't know if that was a good thing or not. Nigel was nice, said I brought a lot of energy and moved well for being such a tall dancer. Mary Murphy was nice but didn't say much (which kind of shocked me), and the third judge, Lil' C said I needed more technique work and needed to find my connection to the movement (not sure what he meant). They then went back and forth for a bit and talked about wanting to have someone who could bring some size and manliness to the program (the routine was not so gay). So they said that I had potential and should prove my worth in Vegas! I could hardly speak. I did a little jig and then ran to get my ticket.

Anyways, there are lots of things that you do after dancing on stage, but the short of it is there is a big lecture on keeping things confidential and following the rules in the Release form, etc. They put it out there that this was the time to "Come to Jesus" about things they needed to know. That's where I decided to get out now--so I didn't incur any penalities. They were upset, but not so much and I don't think that they were surprised either. That probably means that I won't be on TV at all, but that's not why I did it. I did it for the love of dance and art. I don't hate happiness; I don't hate beauty. I love it and I love artistic expression. I hope to be on a Broadway stage one day. Wish me luck!

More on that revelation...

Did you really think that I was that gay?!?!? Of course, I didn't audition or any of that. Watching "So You Think You Can Dance" has only confirmed to me that I will never enroll my boys in dance classes--I want them to be STRAIGHT and not dream about either being a dancer or fashion designer. I don't want to see my son doing a contemporary dance about flower petals while wearing a spandex. I don't want to worry about my son telling me--"I've got a part in Hairspray. I'm going to be Edna Turnblad."

Anyway, I hope that you had a good laugh.